Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Between the new Federal regulations, my idiot doctor, and an ever stupider mailman, I had to try to stretch my opiate pain meds an extra week. Yeah, they did not make it. Today I am on the other side of the DTs from opiates, so finally had a clear mind to track down the meds that were at the latest to be delivered on Friday.
Yeah, so with each intake of breath a new definition of pain (part of my spine is crushed and it is the nerves going to my diaphragm that are being pinched), I got on the phone this morning and spent 90 minutes being transferred and just plain dropped back into phone trees to get someone who could track them. Yeah, apparently my meds have been at the post office for better than a week. I did not know because the mailman never tries to knock on my door to deliver them and I did not get a slip in the mailbox. I have been watching for it.
This was the first time in MONTHS that I was on a phone. They freak me out. I am shaking all over - with a polar bear of a dog poking at me to chill out.
Yesterday, when my mind started to clear from the DTs and the pain of breathing got to use those input receptors, I would have done anything to NOT breath. It was the first time in three years I even considered suicide. All because it is so hard to get my pain meds tracked and a mailman who is too busy to bother to walk to my door to deliver my meds.
Hubby has gone to the post office to 1) get my meds and 2) complain that according to the VA, they are paying extra fees for my meds to be delivered to the door, not left as a slip in the mailbox. He should be back in about an hour - assuming it all goes quickly.
I HATE being so dependent on pills to get through the day. If I could, I would throw them all in the trash. At the amount of meds I am on, I can be functional for as much as three or four hours a day... I will never work again...
I hate pills, I hate people. I really hate my life. I really don't want to do this anymore.
(no worries, I will not take my life. I promised hubby and I won't break that, not EVER)
Yeah, so with each intake of breath a new definition of pain (part of my spine is crushed and it is the nerves going to my diaphragm that are being pinched), I got on the phone this morning and spent 90 minutes being transferred and just plain dropped back into phone trees to get someone who could track them. Yeah, apparently my meds have been at the post office for better than a week. I did not know because the mailman never tries to knock on my door to deliver them and I did not get a slip in the mailbox. I have been watching for it.
This was the first time in MONTHS that I was on a phone. They freak me out. I am shaking all over - with a polar bear of a dog poking at me to chill out.
Yesterday, when my mind started to clear from the DTs and the pain of breathing got to use those input receptors, I would have done anything to NOT breath. It was the first time in three years I even considered suicide. All because it is so hard to get my pain meds tracked and a mailman who is too busy to bother to walk to my door to deliver my meds.
Hubby has gone to the post office to 1) get my meds and 2) complain that according to the VA, they are paying extra fees for my meds to be delivered to the door, not left as a slip in the mailbox. He should be back in about an hour - assuming it all goes quickly.
I HATE being so dependent on pills to get through the day. If I could, I would throw them all in the trash. At the amount of meds I am on, I can be functional for as much as three or four hours a day... I will never work again...
I hate pills, I hate people. I really hate my life. I really don't want to do this anymore.
(no worries, I will not take my life. I promised hubby and I won't break that, not EVER)
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Apparently, hubby made my mailwoman cry. He is a big guy at six and a half feet, but talks softly so people have to come in close to hear what he is saying when he wants to get his point across. He pointed out that as a disabled vet who has a broken back and is still trying to recover from cancer, that I HAVE to have these meds. That because she did not try to deliver them to my door and we did not get the slip, I was writhing in agony all weekend... Said in a whisper, it made the woman cry.
And to make me smile, he brought me espresso! Ok, so I may hate my life but I really love my hubby!
I'm horribly sorry. This sucks.
I'm just going to hope that all of your future weeks are dramatically better than any of your past weeks, and that ... magically ... your pain just gets to be less and less.
A guy can dream, right ?
;-)
Yes, that was unacceptable of your mail lady...not even a slip in the box? She was not doing her job.