Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
TRIGGER WARNING
I am flustered and confused and I wish I could see my counselor twice a week.....
Ive had a hard time focusing on everything. It’s hardest for me when I have a hard time focusing on things I read. Reading has always brought me joy. Books for fun. Books for learning. Books for growing in my faith. I love books. I love scripture. But sometimes I sit down and I just can’t....
I journaled about my lack of focus. I heard a lot of parallels today. I work with some triggering people. Kind but more parallels. And this week I reread the story of Tamar and Amnon in 2 Samuel 13. Do not read this. There’s no closure and that’s really hard for me. There is a lot of closure I guess, looking forward to the Messiah. But for Tamar, there’s none. We don’t know what becomes of her. There is no survival story there. That is so hard. Because I am trying to survive.
Tamar was raped by her half brother. The whole family knew and didn’t do anything. After a few years of silence her whole brother killed their half brother. But we never hear about her again and death is not justice. It doesn’t heal her. There are no reparations and still her whole family doesn’t talk about it.
My family may not have known about everything but they knew about some pretty big things and I’m the immature/bad guy for having boundaries. I am nobody’s favorite. I’m the black sheep. I’m a part of the family because I’m family but I’m a problem for everyone.
Whats confusing is that they’re not constantly upset. They want to help me and spend time with me etc.
All of life is confusing.
At a stand still waiting on his lawyer. No child support yet. Surgery for her is less than a month away. I have an echo and stress test next week. In the mean time I’m trying to take one day at a time and barely getting through each moment. Moments with my kids are easier but not always. This is hard.
Your parents are in denial. Not a simple denial, but the deep dissiative kind where they truly believe what they're saying. And they just can not believe that their son did anything wrong. To think that he did something wrong, they'd have to admit that they did things wrong...and they just can't go there. So...this didn't happen.
And then there's you. Who is saying that something did happen. So you're the "problem".
YOU aren't really the problem. They most likely love you dearly...beyond words. It's a split. And they probably feel some guilt...so they want to help you. And they most certainly love you...so they want to help you.
The wanting to help you part...is probably the clearest of everything.
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But...that's just a guess. I sure don't know you or your family. I only know what you've written on here. And based on what you've written...that's my guess.
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For me, when I can't figure some things out...I step back and see what I do know.
I know that I love my kids. I know my kids love me. Oftentimes, almost all the time...that's enough.
Maybe that will help you? Maybe not? I wish you the best either way.
Peace and Love to You Today!
So if I were to look for a biblical guide for what's going on in your post here, I'd skip forward to the New Testament and John's assurance that "ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." It gets you to the same place a different way, but it reinforces what patti's said above: "Your parents are in denial. Not a simple denial, but the deep dissociative kind"
My family was. They practiced denial for the sake of their missionary ministry's reputation, putting that ahead of the truth that I'd been raped on the mission field.
I told my mom when we came back on missionary furlough to the States because a new teacher in my new school here told the guidance counselor I was showing PTSD symptoms as a 12 year old. The guidance counselor, thinking my mom would follow a parental agenda and help me, told me to trust her to tell her, which was normal of him.
Instead, when I told her she beat me, and then told me never to speak of it again. She said word for word that it "would hurt our family's Christian ministry" for church folks to find out our Christian family wasn't perfect and that I was damaged goods. She even told me God would send me to hell for damaging the family's ministry. It scared me but good. The beatings went on for the rest of my life, too, to keep me silent and in line.
But when I grew up the truth did set me free, and I myself became a minister because of it, I chose to be a hospital chaplain to work with trauma survivors not in spite of being a rape survivor, but because of it instead. Kind of like how Jesus is the Christ not in spite of the cross but because of it, right?
You posted this week that you got great support at the church you go to from the associate pastor there, the lead pastor there, so keep on keeping on with your truth. We're here to support your truth, ok?
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I too am the black sheep in my family. I stay out of the way but still end up in everyones way. My family is also in a deep denial because we should "always" trust our family and they would never do us wrong. Except when it is your family that hurt you and you have no one to turn to or trust. When Your mom acts like nothing is wrong and finds things to blame on me.
Just know it is NOT your fault. You have nothing to be blamed for, no guilt. You are very strong for making it this far and you just have to keep going. Sometimes going to God means hearing things we don't wanna hear either, but regardless I have to remind myself what he did for me so I just deal with the pain of my insides. It's a reminder no one wants to have. That's very good you keep God in your life. God will give you more back in return for your troubles and pain, just have faith in that, even if you have to remind yourseld 500 times a day until it sticks. You are worth being in this world!!