Once again DS PTSD has taken the place of prn Ativan for me. Since my dx with Chronic Kidney Disease 4 years ago now, I haven't been able to take any anti-anxiety meds at all. So when my kidney lab results last Thursday came up abnormal sending my PTSD into overdrive worrying about whether it was now dialysis for me, my anxiety was high.

I asked for support here while I waited to see my doctor today to find out the dialysis verdict. In fact, I went to 4 doctors in these two days, 2 on Monday, 2 today. Last night was tough, being the night between 2 docs and these other 2 docs before I got the verdict. But because I asked for your support I had good dreams, believe it or not.

So I just got back from the 4th doctor and the verdict is in: even though I had an abnormal kidney lab result, NO DIALYSIS. Oh, God, I am so happy! I've been living on the edge of a cliff over dialysis these 4 years I've been diagnosed. I'm still hanging on, thankfully!! YAY!!!

The cruel irony is that my kidney issue is the cliffhanger that causes anxiety for me at every lab test every three months. But then because the issue is my bad kidneys, I'm never allowed to take any anxiety meds for the anxiety my kidneys lab tests cause me. Nice Catch-22, huh?

But for now, DS PTSD beat Ativan and helped me keep myself together while I went through these days of doctors deciding if I do dialysis or not. For those who don't know, you die if you don't do dialysis, but some choose to stop dialysis and die because it's so nasty. Sorry if I am bumming anyone out here who is on dialysis themselves. It's just that when I was a hospital chaplain I saw some patients first hand make the choice to die instead of continuing dialysis. There are some things worse than death, and for some dialysis is one of them.

I live alone, and have no meds available, either, so your support is it for me. I'm so grateful to you all for your support and prayers through this, and so thankful for the verdict: NO DIALYSIS. YAY!!!!!