Sounds like he is manipulating your children and using them for support instead of his friends or therapist. Sorry you are dealing with all of that it sounds hard. Good for you to have the strength to get out

I would write to them and clue them in, and express that you don't want them involved in your marital difficulties for their sake and yours. Tell them you have the support of a therapist and they need to trust you to handle the situation.

First of all, it sounds like you made the right choice for yourself. No one can tell you when it's time for a divorce, but the signs you mention certainly would have me running to the divorce attorney. Your ex-husband sounds a lot like my ex-husband. He is also a narcissist, but not typical. He is afraid to argue with me so he won't call me at all. My child asked me if he was an alcoholic. I don't know what to do with that. Anyhow, your ex is sick, and he is playing games with you to make himself feel better. Refuse to play. Only talk to him when he is calm. End the conversation as soon as he loses control of his temper. Your adult children will quickly understand why you left him when he dumps them too, unfortunately. He won't stick around for long. Don't allow him to cross your boundaries and treat you poorly. Call him out every time and end the conversation. I hope this helps! Good luck!

I put the emphasis on the ADULT in the "Adult Children" phenom. In biology, "Adult Child" is an oxymoron. You are either a child or you are an adult, however many commercial enterprises run off the wishes for eternal youth.

I do nothing, whatsoever, when my Adult Children are in opposition of my personal needs, regardless of where they are feeding their opposition. I certainly don't argue with ex'es. Arguing with a fool only proves there are two fools.

Meanwhile. . . Gentle support while you sort what is right for YOU. Keep your eye on the prize.

Big hug for you run..... This does 'sound' to me like a manipulative stand.... I don't know if it's to try to keep you close or if it's to come out the 'good guy'

Are you living with your husband presently?.... If not and if you don't want to call him and talk I would perhaps send an email and ask that your marriage problems are not discussed with your children

They may decide to stay friends however there's no reason what's gone on between the two of you needs to be discussed with your children.... I would let your kids know that you love them dearly however you have to make decisions for your your life your way..... ..This must be hard.... Gentle hug .....xo

I agree with Arfie.

Is he the children's father? If so, then having gone through a divorce, I'll give you the advice given to me when I came on DS...rise above. You can try to talk to him, but don't count on it helping much. Virtually everyone pulls their kids into it on some level. (My ex and I had a relatively drama free divorce, but I certainly know that I did. Not proud of it...but I did.)

If he's not the children's father, consider the fact that you brought him into their lives. As adults, you have to respect the fact that they have individual relationships with him now....especially if he's been in their lives for a long time. In other words...they may very well choose to talk to him about what's going on.

As for the "truth"...kids tend to see us as we really are far more than we'd generally like....especially if we stay OUT of it. Take a stand and the kids are likely to go into "defense" mode...and defend his choices/actions.

Last, it's generally better to not get pulled into too much drama. Don't take his word for what they've said. Don't take his word for what he's said.

Want pain? My 5 year old daughter told me that she was giving her preschool Mother's Day present to her dad's new girlfriend. I pulled up my big girl pants and said...fine. I found out a year later that the present had chocolate in it, and that my daughter ate it herself, and made up the excuse of giving it to Ramona. Sigh. What can I say...chocolate... I'm REALLY glad that I never made an issue out of it, and it's a happy family story now.

The moral to the story shines through. There's always next year to get upset, but you can never take back words. Your kids may be adults now...but it's really not much different.

Again, I know it's hard.

i have a person in my life who is a narcissist. i didn't know about the possible different types until your post - this has helped me to understand more, thank you for this.

it must be extremely painful right now with your children being played, i know how that can be, i am in the distress/shredded phase of what my person does.

this fragile narcissist is so much the better description of what she suffers from.

reaching the conclusion of keeping yourself safe, detaching, etc., after these several years of therapy that hasn't helped is the best decision. i'm so sorry it will be so painful, and of course it will.

my prayers/caring thoughts are with you, your children will come around. xxx

Never having had kids, run, I can't say as I can really contribute a lot about your kids. But my dad was a fragile narcissist, so I have a lot of empathy with you on that count, and I'm glad you're doing what you need to do for your self care in the situation. I'm divorced, so I know how hard divorce can be, but there are times when it's what's called for, and this sounds like one of those times. Much support to you.

Thank you everyone, that was very helpful. He is the step father but he has had involvement with them. We are still living together as we try to sell our home, very awkward and uncomfortable. Luckily it is just the two of us and the youngest is off at university and the other 2 are living on their own.
My goal is to keep connected with the kids and future grandchildren, I agree time will show the truth without me saying too much. Very painful to see my kids in this position. I did tell them I felt the marriage issues where between my ex and myself. I worry telling my ex to stop will just get him to do it more, since he is upset about the divorce and wants to hurt me and look like the good guy

I hear your hurt and concern for your children. Is your adult children's biological father still involved in their life? Do your children have a relationship with thier father? Is your wasband your remarriage? It's difficult for children, regardless if they are an adult or a child, to see their parent/parent's go through divorce and redivorce. It sounds like, from what you've shared, that your children are grieving the loss of their stepdad and the family they grew up with over the last five years. Allow them time to go through their healing process. Make yourself available if they want to talk to you about it. And, when they do talk to you about it, LISTEN to them. Don't defend yourself or blame your wasband. Genuinely listen to what's going on for them.

My wasband has had two long-term relationships after our divorce and my adult son shared with me that he felt like he was going through a divorce all over again when his dad ended the relationships. Divorce brings up trust, insecurity and commitment issues, just to name a few. Practice understanding what your children are going through in all of this and love them through it. Ask them to forgive you for putting them through this again, even though you know it's in yours and their best interest. Kids want to know how much you care. That's what's going to help your children through this and mend your relationship with them. Pray for their healing and for your own healing. You'll all get through this. It will take some time to heal.

For you, recognize what you've learned from this marriage...and let the rest of the negative go. Forgive yourself and forgive your wasband. Pray for strength and courage to do what you need to do to get through this and to come out a better person having gone through the experience. Pray for your wasband's healing too.

Blessings to you and your family for healing, peace, and reconciliation. I will pray for you all.