Healing is a process, for me, not a goal. I learned that in physical medical biochemistry nerd education. Healing is a *process*. And even if you get the best treatment, you have scars or some effect.

Shame is one of them. We're taught shame. By abusers. We're not meant to feel anything b/c it upsets *them*, is the lesson I learned...

And I'm in year 7 of therapy, no breaks, and am nearly 50 and am so *tired* of having my first 17 years run my brain, apparently...

But we never see our own progress clearly, and I assure you, you are NOT crazy. But sometimes, believing what our abusers tell us? It's a truth in a world full of lies, to us. SOmething has to be true... And we grab one.

So, from my experience, such as it is? .... The hardest part of therapy is sometimes letting ourselves think differently. As I learn over an dover and over and over and over again.... And I just get so tired.... HUGS to you, okay? You're not the only one. By far.

Narcissists prey on good people who have empathy, give credit to yourself for being an amazing kind person and yes I get you it's hard I'm going through this too!

Hi Silverlight. I think the short answer is yes, you can get back the pieces. Everything we're exposed to affects us, that's just part of being. (Any shame you feel about being affected by his abuse belongs to him and not you. He should be ashamed of having mistreated you.)

Hugs and peace.

Silver, I had a lifetime of traumas from early childhood on. It is a long journey we have before us, but we keep improving. At some point, we are able to see ourselves as others do versus the abuser/s. We change the tapes that were ingrained in us. Will there still be triggers? Of course. Will we build a toolbox to quickly move out of those moments? Yes. We are here supporting you on your journey. It is not hopeless, but can be a bit of a roller coaster that we ride. Showers of healing hugs.

Hey there... I do believe that healing can and will happen for you... I have been working through some of the very same kind of stuff and Yes I am digging up things from the past, but in order to heal from those things that hurt us we must first begin to accept that we are not responsible for or that none of the other things they said to us is true. And we have to learn how to Forgive ourselves and love ourselves and nurture the little one inside of us who is still hurt and doesn't trust people and is angry because that is what is going to keep us stuck as adults and keep us getting involved with or possibly abused by someone else. We are used to be treated a certain way and not that we like it but it's fimilar to us and so we if we don't heal our past little ones so that we can address our adult issues that we have now as a result of the abuse then we continue to just stay stuck! Forgiving yourself is the first step! It's not your fault! Getting help in any kind of form! And being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself and loving yourself you are have been through a lot! I am here for you anytime you need me ❤️ lots of hugs and warm thoughts of wellness to you and I started doing a couple of journals, one for everyday stuff and one for things I'm grateful for, a ANGER journal where I put everything I am angry at or anything else that has happened to me in my life and last but not least a journal for what I would like my future to be. Please forgive me for writing back so much I hope I didn't upset you or wasn't on the same page as you

Yes, so here's a narrative I've made up for myself in therapy for my PTSD It's that I can use the fact that I never knew anything but trauma growing up as a kid in a war zone as a missionary kid overseas. If I had lived in the USA in peace time first and then gotten traumatized, I would have known a pre-PTSD life to compare life to. Then to use the word "haunted" you mention, I may have been haunted by what might have been if only I hadn't been traumatized and gotten PTSD.

But since trauma started with me as a little war child, I don't know anything else. So being shattered, as you put it, sil, is all I know. As 4evralne says, I forgive myself, I don't beat myself up with expectations of knowing anything else. Why would I know what it's like to be whole? Why wouldn't being shattered just be the status quo for me that I and others should accept and move on from? Whatever way I improvise of moving forward to have a life at all is absolutely the right.

No one has the right to judge me for being shattered and not being whole because there is no play book for moving on like I am doing. I survived so I have the authority to be the author of my story now.

It's not easy to maintain, especially what with all of the perfect couples and families you see on tv and the perfect posts people put on platforms like Facebook. Those tv shows and social media posts make it look like folks out there know how to lead perfect lives.

But they don't. When I became an Emergency Room hospital chaplain in Chicago, I found that out for real being behind the scenes in people's real lives.. TV shows and Facebook posts aren't reality. Everybody hurts sometime. Even in the USA in peace time we had 72 gunshot wounds come in just one weekend. And this wasn't even in a war like the one I grew up in. This was "peace."

Now living with being shattered is especially true now during this pandemic. Whatever way we stay alive through COVID-19's several trips around the world is the right way. We'll all be haunted by how easy life used to be. I used to go to rock concerts in crowds, to baseball games in crowds. Now those are a distant memory. I try not to be haunted by them and be glad I didn't waste time, that I went to those shows and games every chance I got. I finally saw the Rolling Stones live in concert last summer.

Funny, one of the Rolling Stones' songs was "Shattered."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_4NzaPSVB4

Its lyrics go:

"Pride and joy and dirty dreams and still surviving on the street
And look at me, I'm in tatters, yeah
I've been battered, what does it matter
Does it matter, uh-huh
Does it matter, uh-huh, I'm a shattered"

I'm not making light of it here, it nearly killed me but when a soldier abuser put a pistol to my temple and pulled the trigger the gun jammed--twice. I'm saying that since it's a fact I lived through that and it was not my fault, I'm proud of having survived even if I survive shattered after such a thing. So when the Rolling Stones sang that song, it was like an anthem to me and I danced shattered as I was.

Thank you ((((((( Friends )))))))) for all of your wisdom,compassion,and support.

No, thank you, sil, for writing words here that triggered a good memory for me of better days not too long ago when I did stuff like go to a Rollings Stones concert. It helped for me to remember life hasn't always been like it is now during this lock down. I knew how to have fun. I hope to have fun again.

Big hug for you Silver.... I haven't had therapy for complex trauma and can no longer afford therapy so I find that I go back and forth with this... I can be completely forgiving at times and other times I still feel angry

I think life in general is a process and happiness is something that we pursue … So I think anyone that has been hurt badly for years will often have to continue to use tools to improve their lives and there will be some going back and forth

At the same time I sure think that life can improve a great deal with the right help

Big hug.....xo

How is it for you today, sil?

Well,muji,Sam is very ill.
i'm afraid that it is time to say goodbye to my beloved kitty.

He was my first and only friend i had after i left my ex....
His love has been healing.

My heart is breaking.

(((HUGS)))