Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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My entire life I was so PROUD that I never needed anyone or anything. I don't/didn't ask for help ... I didn't need people. They needed me.
As I was growing up; I took care of myself, fed myself, got myself back and forth to school... basically raised myself. Then then there was Mom; so beat up, lost, and immature - I ended up responsible for raising her as well. Her caretaker, her nurturer, her mother, her confidant, and so many other things, but not her daughter.
In school I was the one everyone dumped their problems on, told their secrets to, used for rides to school, called when they wanted to party, etc. At work, I was a workaholic.
I transitioned from raising myself and my mother to raising my husband (we met when I was 18 and moved in together). He was sexually, emotionally, and verbally abused as a child which transitioned into violent alcoholism as an adult. I spent my 20's and 30's raising him and our son in basically the same fashion,,, the same environment as my childhood.
I was a perfectionist in all these areas... all these people needed me and that's all I needed and I was great at it accept when I wasn't. In those moments... when I felt like a failure, when somehow I did something WRONG, when people "took their love from me," I would suffer in secret.
I used to be so PROUD to not NEED people!
..... and this is what my therapist said to me that really hit me
"YOU NEED TO BE NURTURED."
And it's true I do! I have very very few memories of being nurtured in my entire life and honestly I always thought it was weakness (yes we're on this topic again - lol) to need people in this way). I've always hated to be needy. Now that I'm studying C-PTSD, I realize somewhere along the way, this was a learned response. So sad!
Now I am 41 years old and I feel like a 6 year old girl in desperate need of nurturing - begging for the world around me to stop screaming with expectations.
As I was growing up; I took care of myself, fed myself, got myself back and forth to school... basically raised myself. Then then there was Mom; so beat up, lost, and immature - I ended up responsible for raising her as well. Her caretaker, her nurturer, her mother, her confidant, and so many other things, but not her daughter.
In school I was the one everyone dumped their problems on, told their secrets to, used for rides to school, called when they wanted to party, etc. At work, I was a workaholic.
I transitioned from raising myself and my mother to raising my husband (we met when I was 18 and moved in together). He was sexually, emotionally, and verbally abused as a child which transitioned into violent alcoholism as an adult. I spent my 20's and 30's raising him and our son in basically the same fashion,,, the same environment as my childhood.
I was a perfectionist in all these areas... all these people needed me and that's all I needed and I was great at it accept when I wasn't. In those moments... when I felt like a failure, when somehow I did something WRONG, when people "took their love from me," I would suffer in secret.
I used to be so PROUD to not NEED people!
..... and this is what my therapist said to me that really hit me
"YOU NEED TO BE NURTURED."
And it's true I do! I have very very few memories of being nurtured in my entire life and honestly I always thought it was weakness (yes we're on this topic again - lol) to need people in this way). I've always hated to be needy. Now that I'm studying C-PTSD, I realize somewhere along the way, this was a learned response. So sad!
Now I am 41 years old and I feel like a 6 year old girl in desperate need of nurturing - begging for the world around me to stop screaming with expectations.
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
Boundaries with family are hard. My therapist worked with me for 2 years on how to set boundaries and I fought her every step of the way. I am amazed at how warped my thinking was when it came to family. So many times she would say "What about you?" and I would answer "But I don't matter" and I meant it! I look back and that horrifies me. Thank God my therapist kept at it until I understood that in my family I DO matter! In fact, she taught me that I matter so much that I can set boundaries that keep family away from me. It's absolutely wonderful.
I am so happy for you that you can see that YOU matter and that you deserve to be nurtured. Yahoo! I love to see healing at work. :-)
((hugs))
I'm working on that lack of nurturing atm... my therapist is certainly being a "good enough mother" and teaching me what it feels like to be nurtured... and it's scary and uncomfortable but I am becoming less and less fearful of it atm.... we are trying to work on me nurturing myself... but as no-one ever did it's pretty tough going.. how can I do something that nobody ever taught me how to do? or more importantly... nobody ever thought I was worthy of?
I'm sorry you had a lost childhood too... but as LE says I'm glad you can now see that you do matter and that you can now take that knowledge and work on it to feel and be nurtured.... when you do feel it... altho alien at first.. it really is a wonderful wonderful feeling
(((hugs)))
Congratulations on the revelation. May it lead you to healing rays.
(((HUGS)))
@ John - We can learn, right? Would you believe I taught myself to hug, three years ago? It used to make me so uncomfortable. When I was younger, I would see friends or family members crying and I would think "I know I should hug and comfort them and I can't." The thought of it made me ill. I could listen to them, I could touch a shoulder, talk to them, etc. but I could not hold them close. It sickened me to think of doing so and then it sickened me that I couldn't. I felt like a fraud and failure my entire life. Now I hug..... I never realized how IMPORTANT human touch is!