Something I revealed in m y Death and Dying class at the college tonight. We had the father of a child who died speak in class of when his infant daughter died. Very moving and good presentation, so I added my own experience after he shared his. Then one of my students shared his experience, too. It was great.

As a chaplain who went into hospital chaplaincy in therapy for PTSD myself, my therapist and I wondered when I took that challenge whether I could do that, what my limits should be. No one thrives on dealing with suicidal situations, but it turned out that suicide, though intense for me as for us all, wasnt my particular vulnerability. Know what was? A baby died in my arms. It turned out that I handled it well for the parents at the time, but that turned out to be my personal vulnerable spot.

Everyone in the helping professions has one Achilles Heel at least, and that was mine. In therapy I found out it was because I had bargained with God in my mind as a kid. The deal Id fantasized was that if God got me out of that war alive, when I grew up I would never fail to protect children. I would not put children in danger in the way adults in my home and my South American country had done.

So when I couldnt stop that baby from dying in my arms in the hospital as a grown up and a chaplain back in 2010, that was my trigger. It was good to learn, and its why we had a class tonight in my Death and Dying course devoted entirely to infant death this very evening. It turned out one of my students in tonights class had lived through the death of his own infant child and felt safe enough to speak about it to the class. Good stuff.