I can sort of relate to what you're saying. I was born to parents who, in theory, wanted kids. In practice, they were a lot more concerned with themselves and what having kids meant on paper.

I, too, got bullied in school. For being too fat, or too ugly, or too weird, or too this, or too that. We're always too much of something for someone.

All I can say is don't allow your ideas about your parents become your self-fulfilling prophecy. You get to make the decisions about your own life. You get to choose what kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend (at least as far as your side of it is concerned; you can't control how he feels or what he wants, but if he is willing to stick around until you come out on the other side of the tunnel, trust him and don't take him for granted because you don't find too many of those).

Depression has a way of lying to us. You absolutely deserve love and happiness. You're not a disorder; you're a person who lives with one. People love YOU. They don't have to love your disorder. And anyone who loves you and sees you struggling will hopefully do what they can to help you cope with it so that it isn't looming. That's the thing I think people find it most difficult to understand. They don't need to love the disorder. They only need love you. And with the power of love and understanding, you can triumph over it.

Remember that to improve your life, you have to begin to focus only on the things you have control over. You did not have control over your parents' choices, or what happened in the past. You DO have control over your own choices now, and the present.

I'm not saying any of this to invalidate your trauma, either. Because it is incredibly hard to cope with and move on from. You have to take the time to unpack all of that and heal from it. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be worth it, though.

Start by telling your boyfriend exactly what you said here. That you're grateful for him, and that he's amazing for seeing you through a dark time.

It's simple but I'm sure he will appreciate that you acknowledge his devotion and his efforts.

Start and then continue with love.

Always here if you need support. Pm me again some time if you'd like.

First of all, you are not a fat piece of trash. I think you should talk to a therapist, which might help you build up your self-esteem. I also think you should explain to your boyfriend what you're thinking about and that you really want him and want your relationship to last, but that you haven't had a good role model in healthy relationships with your parents' relationships. Please PM me if you ever want to talk, even if it's not about this.

What kind of liestress does depression tell us

The kind like the ones you're mentioning here: That you're unworthy or undeserving of love and happiness. What is it that makes you believe this? What have you done that would lead you to that conclusion?

PTSD and depression like to hold hands. I thought for a long time that my abusers ruined my body and that it would always be impossible for anyone to love me.

That's not true, either.

We can also get into the habit of forgetting we were ever happy because of these things. And that we'll never be happy again. That's not true. You can and will be happy again. You're going to be okay. We all care about you, and your boyfriend cares, too. Remember that, even when it seems impossible. We care.

My missionary family belongs to a fanatical religious group that believes knowledge comes only directly from God through mystical experiences. So when I turned out to be a gifted child in school, that got the opposite kind of attention it would have gotten from most parents who would have been proud.

I was promoted 2 grades ahead in school after 4th grade. My parents starting beating me then for being "arrogant" or "uppity" or "thinking I was better than them." They beat each other, too--a lot, with visits to ERs involved.

It never stopped until I ran away from home at 17 in mid year of my senior year of high school. I started college in January rather than finish the year of high school because if I didn't get away from home, I feared my parents would kill me. My father had brought a shotgun into the picture.

I never quit being gun-shy in relationships, so to speak. I went on to be divorced twice--no kids. I'm a fat guy, too, though I am proud that since March I've lost 40 pounds.

I still can say that off and on I'm happy. I don't have a relationship, but I have friends, I teach school and enjoy it at the moment, and I'm looking forward to retiring in a couple of years. My running habit from my missionary kid up bringing has an up side: I love to travel, so I do that a lot. That's how I've improved my life. It's not all improvement, there are failures like the 2 divorces. But it's improved over what I had growing up for sure. I like being on my own.

I am sorry you are struggling with this pain. I too suffered at the hands of an abusive family who blamed me and made me feel worthless. I carried those feelings into relationships. Your BF sounds like he is an understanding person who will support you as you walk through your healing process. You are NOT destined to follow your family's example, you can change the way you live and decide to do things differently. Have you looked into local PTSD support groups? Would you be willing to speak with a counselor who specializes in PTSD? Having people around you who will encourage you to keep moving forward and help you to reject the lies you believe about yourself is vital! I have women in my life who remind me of truth about myself when I start to put myself down. I know this battle is not an easy one. Start by posting one small positive message about yourself somewhere you will see it every day and speak out that truth about you until you believe it! The change began in me when I started replacing lies with truth. You can overcome the past!