Hello, Friends! I was a teenager during the advent of the drug culture. At fourteen I was sniffing glue, then smoking pot, then shooting morphine, and swallowing a lot of psychedellics. After a couple of bad "trips" I stopped using any drugs, despite everyone around me still using. I made up my mind, and that was that. From 20-30, while I was married and raising my daughter, I drank socially, only when I threw a party, I would have a couple of glasses of the rum punch I made- and that was it.
I didn't start drinking alcoholically until I became resentful towards my husband and disillusioned with my 15-year marriage. Alcohol gave me the "bravado" to assert my own needs- but I did so in the wrong way- by having a couple of near disastrous affairs that endangered my family and ended tragically. I divorced my husband, but alcohol became a necessity for gettng through the stresses of my life. This continued for 23 years- until my first tour of rehab.
I stayed in AA for the past 12 years- even though I did not endorse the Steps or the dogma of the Program. I kept trying to conform- until this past March when a dear lady friend of mine drank herself to death, and everyone dismissed her as "just not getting it." The term often used: "You will have to walk over a lot of bodies to maintain your sobriety" struck me as inhumane. I had enough with the phony "Fellowship" and dropped out.
Since then- these past three months- I dropped the taboo against drinking. I have let myself do whatever I wanted to do. I've had a couple of drunken binges- but with no horrific consequences. But now I've taken to daily drinking- and this is a red-light warning sign that I am entering a dangerous zone of addiction again.
I have begun participating in SMART Recovery online again. Hopefully that will provide some support and connection. I know that I need to investigate the underlying causes that drive my addiction, and as is stated in Zen, create "Transformation at the Root." It involves total self-honesty: no self-pity, or self-serving ego-defenses.
There is still much I hope to accomplish in my life with my creative writings, but unless I can master my Demon Addiction, I don't stand a chance.
So I left work early today. I needed some time off and I pulled chocks early. When I got home, I put on a pair of my "crazy pants" and lounged like a tree-less sloth. When I went into the hospital last time, I had a few days to ready myself as the insurance was being worked out. Also, I was rather closely watched by PDoc and TDoc. So back to pants, I was going to live in sweats while...
Hi Everyone! I wanted to join this group to see if it would be beneficial for me.