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My Stealthy Demon

Stormyblue
Stormyblue

Hello, Friends! I was a teenager during the advent of the drug culture. At fourteen I was sniffing glue, then smoking pot, then shooting morphine, and swallowing a lot of psychedellics. After a couple of bad "trips" I stopped using any drugs, despite everyone around me still using. I made up my mind, and that was that. From 20-30, while I was married and raising my daughter, I drank socially, only when I threw a party, I would have a couple of glasses of the rum punch I made- and that was it.


I didn't start drinking alcoholically until I became resentful towards my husband and disillusioned with my 15-year marriage. Alcohol gave me the "bravado" to assert my own needs- but I did so in the wrong way- by having a couple of near disastrous affairs that endangered my family and ended tragically. I divorced my husband, but alcohol became a necessity for gettng through the stresses of my life. This continued for 23 years- until my first tour of rehab.


I stayed in AA for the past 12 years- even though I did not endorse the Steps or the dogma of the Program. I kept trying to conform- until this past March when a dear lady friend of mine drank herself to death, and everyone dismissed her as "just not getting it." The term often used: "You will have to walk over a lot of bodies to maintain your sobriety" struck me as inhumane. I had enough with the phony "Fellowship" and dropped out.


Since then- these past three months- I dropped the taboo against drinking. I have let myself do whatever I wanted to do. I've had a couple of drunken binges- but with no horrific consequences. But now I've taken to daily drinking- and this is a red-light warning sign that I am entering a dangerous zone of addiction again.


I have begun participating in SMART Recovery online  again. Hopefully that will provide some support and connection. I know that I need to investigate the underlying causes that drive my addiction, and as is stated in Zen, create "Transformation at the Root." It involves total self-honesty: no self-pity, or self-serving ego-defenses. 


There is still much I hope to accomplish in my life with my creative writings, but unless I can master my Demon Addiction, I don't stand a chance.

Esther2259
Esther2259
Hello, you are such a brave woman to be able to unveil all your personal struggles with addiction here. My first thoughts are not in telling you what to do, but in telling you how I overcame my own struggle. I was addicted to smoking cigarettes. It started when I was young, and I was always fascinated by my Dad’s smoking and blowing ‘smoke rings’. I wanted to do that, too. I wanted to blow smoke rings just like him. So, I started to smoke and even smoked through both of my pregnancies (not proud of that, but just honest). When I was in my early twenties, I tried and tried to quit. I just couldn’t. I enjoyed smoking and had such a strong desire to keep doing it.

So, this is what I did. I started praying. I asked the Lord to take the desire from me. I knew from my past that I would not be able to do this alone. It was such a strong tug on my thoughts to smoke. Every day, I would start my day by saying “thank you” to the Lord for getting me through minutes, hours, days, and weeks without smoking. Finally, the desire was broken and I no longer craved smoking (and don’t like to even be around cigarette smoke). I could never have done it without the Lord’s help. I pray that you are able to break free from your addictions, too. I know it isn’t easy, but nothing is impossible. I am sure thinking of you
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK
Stormy, glad you are trying another of the many paths to recovery. As they say, different strokes for different folks. It is a complex disease of mind, body, emotions, and spirit. I hear you accepting that the drinking needs to stop. I think you will find the right path for you. As I said in a reply to your last post, not all groups are healthy. Women in Sobriety may be another path to explore. You can do this. Empowering hugs.
EvergreenDreamer
EvergreenDreamer
Triple hugs of support
Stormyblue
Stormyblue
Deep gratitude for the support and encouragement! What amazes me is that I was able to quit the notoriously "evil" drugs- heroin, morphine, and cocaine- without any Program or support system- yet alcohol- which seemed so innocuous-has proven to be my nemesis.

Actually, alcohol is the 2nd most dangerous drug of all. Tobacco kills more people than all the other drugs combined.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you Stormy...… I have to say what 'stands out' to me is that in 3 months you've gone on a couple of binges and are drinking daily..... That's headed back into a dark place? No?

Have you tried different AA meetings?... This is your personal path so although the group has steps that they follow you would decide what is personal for you and if one meeting isn't your cup of tea would it be worth it to try another meeting do you think??

The reason that I stated what I did is that you wrote you've gone back to it since stopping the meetings.....

I know that addiction is an extremely hard monkey to get off of your back.... I've had a lot of it around me as well and it's sure a tough illness to get under control

I feel for you.... and I hope that you find the help that you need...…Another hug …...xo
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