Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I went on vacation a week ago. I realized that my home has become a gallery of angry memories, a collection of sad objects.
When I was away I had the chance to go to a beach. It was quiet and the water was very inviting and serene. People were very well behave, unlike the community where I live that always act as if a brawl is about to start...
Took me a lot of time to stand still, reminding myself that my home and my life are half the globe away. It finally happened. A smile came to my face and I went to the water. I can't remember the last time I had the chance to swim. I felt 10 again.
That same night at the hotel I couldn't sleep. Angry thoughts started bothering me. Tried to push the thoughts away and let them have an entire hemisphere, but no, my thoughts, my obsessive thoughts always follow me.
I started listing gratitudes. I started thinking about the beach, and the times when I was able to enjoy life as if it was all a life-long vacation. I started feeling gratitude, and fell asleep.
I woke up angry, ocd taking over about how safe was my house in the other side of the world. Wanted to run to the airport faking some kind of bullshit emergency to see if I could get back home sooner. Instead I remember what my therapist told me. "Live in spite of" If my house was vandalized there was nothing I could do. Then I started worrying about my neighbors! Then I started snapping at things, but they couldn't be the same things I snap at in my house because I wasn't in my house.
Grabbed my camera, went back to the beach. Started photographing everything that I feel looked peaceful and serene. I took pictures of the shore, of families, of boats, buildings, even cops arresting some guy looked so concentrated and focused in their work... peace again.
I came back home and immediately felt it even in my body, coming back to the madness, the snapping, the sudden anger, the obsessive thoughts and worries... Went to work and felt the hostility and falseness of people around me (that one isn't in my head).
So I resolved to do something about it. Every night I started rearranging my home. I started trying to make my living space like I live there, not that I am dying there. Baby steps, on step at a time. I removed my computer from my bedroom. I cleaned the desk and removed paperwork that should have been gone long ago (like checks from banks that don't exist since the 90's).
I'm giving myself hope and something to do. I'm also giving myself the chance to make my house a home, not just a place that looks like "I'm just allowed to live in".
Vacation is a good thing, even with the snaps, the anger, the obsession... all that is going to happen anyway.
When I was away I had the chance to go to a beach. It was quiet and the water was very inviting and serene. People were very well behave, unlike the community where I live that always act as if a brawl is about to start...
Took me a lot of time to stand still, reminding myself that my home and my life are half the globe away. It finally happened. A smile came to my face and I went to the water. I can't remember the last time I had the chance to swim. I felt 10 again.
That same night at the hotel I couldn't sleep. Angry thoughts started bothering me. Tried to push the thoughts away and let them have an entire hemisphere, but no, my thoughts, my obsessive thoughts always follow me.
I started listing gratitudes. I started thinking about the beach, and the times when I was able to enjoy life as if it was all a life-long vacation. I started feeling gratitude, and fell asleep.
I woke up angry, ocd taking over about how safe was my house in the other side of the world. Wanted to run to the airport faking some kind of bullshit emergency to see if I could get back home sooner. Instead I remember what my therapist told me. "Live in spite of" If my house was vandalized there was nothing I could do. Then I started worrying about my neighbors! Then I started snapping at things, but they couldn't be the same things I snap at in my house because I wasn't in my house.
Grabbed my camera, went back to the beach. Started photographing everything that I feel looked peaceful and serene. I took pictures of the shore, of families, of boats, buildings, even cops arresting some guy looked so concentrated and focused in their work... peace again.
I came back home and immediately felt it even in my body, coming back to the madness, the snapping, the sudden anger, the obsessive thoughts and worries... Went to work and felt the hostility and falseness of people around me (that one isn't in my head).
So I resolved to do something about it. Every night I started rearranging my home. I started trying to make my living space like I live there, not that I am dying there. Baby steps, on step at a time. I removed my computer from my bedroom. I cleaned the desk and removed paperwork that should have been gone long ago (like checks from banks that don't exist since the 90's).
I'm giving myself hope and something to do. I'm also giving myself the chance to make my house a home, not just a place that looks like "I'm just allowed to live in".
Vacation is a good thing, even with the snaps, the anger, the obsession... all that is going to happen anyway.
I'm still seriously considering taking my Complex PTSD and Disorders of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified (DESNOS), and running away -- leaving the country, probably for Latin America.
I know my issues will go with me. My hope is that there are more bright spots, good days, and relief -- NOT that it will be a cure.
You gave me more hope.
Take good care.
It is really a matter of baby steps and the most important thing is to just keep moving forward and not stuck in one moment in time.
Once again, thanks.
The perspective I got has sustained me in those times when I've lost a sense of vision for my future. I hope the inspiration you got stays with you. It sounds really great.