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I posted in a thread about my dear old Mom, but then I realized it might be something we might share as a topic, too. Our abusers and their birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays, and our recollections on those milestone days in the year.
I did everything on heaven and earth to have any kind of connection to any member of my family. I may publish a book under a pseudonym some day of the amazing and embarrassing family dramas and tragicomedies I've lived through. Funeral drama, wedding drama, cheating drama, stealing drama, fraud stealing from church funds drama, cops to the house for domestic violence at Christmas drama over and over.
Oh, and suicide attempts, one of them on a trip from where we lived in South America to the US. It was Christmas, and in their spirit of the season Mom and Dad couldn't wait to have a knock down drag out until they finished the trip. So they went at it in a hotel on a layover in a strange city in Ecuador. My sister and I tried to stop them, but Dad beat Mom up, and Mom responded with an attempt and landed in a strange city's hospital in South America. Nice.
Still, Mom got the last lick in. In the ER when the doctors got my Mom to lie down on a gurney, she got my Dad to come near her to say goodbye. Then she grabbed him by the groin and squeezed with all her might in front of the doctors, nurses, other patients, and the police who had brought us there. As you can imagine, it was a proud family moment for us all.
Then at 52 years of age I counted my remaining years of life expectancy and decided I needed to start living my own life in 2010.
I'm happy. As you know, my family wouldn't take no for an answer and tried to stalk me. My dad even engaged an ex-FBI agent to stalk me at work. As you also know, I got my workplace HR office and my own lawyer after them to enforce my boundaries this time. I still get the occasional unwelcome postcard, but the unwelcome drop in visits and the harassing phone calls at work have stopped. I'm finally free.
Tomorrow is dear old Mom's birthday, and I don't have the usual knots in my stomach tonight. I don't have the stomach knots I got just trying to figure out how to call and wish her a happy birthday while still staying out of the drama. Because that fantasy never, ever happened for me as her son. She's that good at what she does, fully committed to dysfunction.
It's up to each of us to say whether and when enough is enough. It took me until I was 52. That's when I found out I had late stage kidney disease, and my own mortality gave me a wake up call and I rearranged my priorities. It doesn't have to be that way, but that's what it took for me.
I'm so glad I'm not making any phone call tomorrow. Finally...
I did everything on heaven and earth to have any kind of connection to any member of my family. I may publish a book under a pseudonym some day of the amazing and embarrassing family dramas and tragicomedies I've lived through. Funeral drama, wedding drama, cheating drama, stealing drama, fraud stealing from church funds drama, cops to the house for domestic violence at Christmas drama over and over.
Oh, and suicide attempts, one of them on a trip from where we lived in South America to the US. It was Christmas, and in their spirit of the season Mom and Dad couldn't wait to have a knock down drag out until they finished the trip. So they went at it in a hotel on a layover in a strange city in Ecuador. My sister and I tried to stop them, but Dad beat Mom up, and Mom responded with an attempt and landed in a strange city's hospital in South America. Nice.
Still, Mom got the last lick in. In the ER when the doctors got my Mom to lie down on a gurney, she got my Dad to come near her to say goodbye. Then she grabbed him by the groin and squeezed with all her might in front of the doctors, nurses, other patients, and the police who had brought us there. As you can imagine, it was a proud family moment for us all.
Then at 52 years of age I counted my remaining years of life expectancy and decided I needed to start living my own life in 2010.
I'm happy. As you know, my family wouldn't take no for an answer and tried to stalk me. My dad even engaged an ex-FBI agent to stalk me at work. As you also know, I got my workplace HR office and my own lawyer after them to enforce my boundaries this time. I still get the occasional unwelcome postcard, but the unwelcome drop in visits and the harassing phone calls at work have stopped. I'm finally free.
Tomorrow is dear old Mom's birthday, and I don't have the usual knots in my stomach tonight. I don't have the stomach knots I got just trying to figure out how to call and wish her a happy birthday while still staying out of the drama. Because that fantasy never, ever happened for me as her son. She's that good at what she does, fully committed to dysfunction.
It's up to each of us to say whether and when enough is enough. It took me until I was 52. That's when I found out I had late stage kidney disease, and my own mortality gave me a wake up call and I rearranged my priorities. It doesn't have to be that way, but that's what it took for me.
I'm so glad I'm not making any phone call tomorrow. Finally...
Ohhhh... Gertie likee! lol
As for the birthdays, I note them in my head, I guess. Sometimes I've celebrated them with a chocolate cigar.. celebrating that I'm a survivor .. lived. For there was one in particular, that I surely am thankful that my rage and anger did not take fatal turns... I celebrate freedom on a whole new level.
Muji, the mom's last dig had me in stitches with laughter! Go Mom!
Thanks for letting me acknowledge the abusers birthday milestone here so I could go about my business today. Im getting better at this separation from family thing. Somebody here recommended that book "Leaving Home" to me on the topic a few months ago. I got it through amazon.com, and its done me a world of good with its advice.
Even more, just its stories are validating that this estrangement is the healthy high road to take with violent dysfunctional families, like the stories shared here at DS PTSD validate, too. Its sort of like we victims and survivors know full well what to do. What happens is that the mix of shame and guilt and family manipulative dynamics override our better judgment and common sense. Until we talk to each other. Then dysfunctional family spell is broken, you know?
I went on to have a great, great day at work. Both doing the job and getting along with coworkers and whatnot. Early in the week potential bummers were brewing. There was the distance learning computer being on the fritz at work. Then this family abusers birthday in the same week. It could have been a week of the blues or even something more foul. Instead, its been a great Fall day for me. DS PTSD is the best.
Thanks for listening, laughing, and commenting, everybody.