Im mourning the loss of my marriage, of my dream of a family unit and of my friend. 

But I see now whether intentional or out of ignorance, he was never a friend, just as I out of ignorance was never a friend to him. A true friend is firm with their boundaries. They do not live in fear. They know where their personality ends and the other begins. I am as much at fault for our failed relationship as he is. This is not saying I abused myself, just that I was not in the know, that I was young and confused. I’m older now and life just hurts.

My kids are both excited that dad picks them up today and so sad that they’re not spending time with me this weekend. They want it all. And my heart aches.

In every aspect of recovery or healing or whatever we are supposed to call this, i fee so alone. In a room full of people who would get it or even do get it, I feel alone. 

I’m in need of a friend and not a single person has time or will answer their phone. Thank God I have God. I know I will get through this season of my life and say it was only Him that got me through, but today I could really use a hug. 

I know he’s bigger than my ex’s expensive lawyer. 

I know he’s bigger than my ptsd.

 I know he’s bigger than all of this. 

But I could still use a hug.

 I’m meeting an old friend soon for a few hours. I’ll get my hug. I hope it’s not another conversation where I find I’m not able to articulate my thoughts correctly. She’s a good human but I have so much going on, the thought of seeing anyone is exhausting. I’m not good at being heard sometimes. That’s hard. If nothing else, I can at least hear her.