Well,  here goes the flighty me.   It was my birthday today and as I turn 53 and reflect upon my life I realize I am not satisfied with it but I don't know how to achieve what I want in life.   Hell I do not even know what it is that I want.   I have had it all,  married,  nice house, sports cars, career, great children, good friends, know people from all walks of life,  had the honor of having a some awesome loyal pets,  helped others, been well off and poor too.  I guess that i a pretty good life.   So why do I feel so unfulfilled?   I guess it is because I never felt I got to where I wanted to,  to prove I was worthy.   I guess it is because I got sick and my career was cut short.   I guess it because I fear failure so much I cannot work any more.   My confidence is shot,  I feel worthless and helpless.   OMG PTSD sucks the life out of me.  

Yes,  I am emotional,  writing with my heart on my sleeve,  drinking will do that.   It lets the emotions run free,  while numbing the pain of the daily bordom of trying to fill your day with anything that makes you feel complete and worth something to anyone.   Sometimes I feel the only one that truly accepts me is my dog.   Unconditional love.   He is curled up beside me,  touch me, sleeping,  but ready to leap into action at any moment,  as soon as I move.   He is loyal to a fault, loving and never leave my side.   He is truly my best friend.   I love my little boy.  He is aging,  now 11 years old.   I can see it in his actions,  his movements.   His eyes are no longer sharp and clear.   He struggles to jump up on the couch and I have to carry him down the steps.   I cannot imagine life without him by my side,  he has been such as companion,  life saver and a reason to carry on.    I am babbling. 

Oh shit I made myself cry.   Why is it that night time seems to bring out the worst of the symptoms,  the anxiety about gong to bed,  the depression and loneliness.   The deep thoughts that just will not go away.   The flashbacks to moments in time,  events and situations.   I have been having flashbacks again.  Perhaps my mind needs to process something?    Maybe it is just that I have been frustrated that the human rights tribunial decision is 2 months over due?   

Ok,  I have my shit together once again.  I am fine,  tears dried up and I am ok now, pulled it together.   The sadness is lifting and I feel a bit better.   Maybe just babbling on is a good thing?   I am sorting in the form or writing,  I think.   Emotions pouring out now,  as my mind skips around.   I have a sudden thought of perhaps missing a trigger.    Maybe I should have caught the trigger and taken a clomazpam to calm myself down rather than reaching for the booze?    So many questions,  so few answers!!   Dam I hate this feeling.   I think this is what my therapist was talking about when she told me I need to learn to sit with the uncomfort.   I think I am failing at doing that.   I hate sitting with the uncomfort,  the pain,  the hurt,  the feelings of being useless.   Ugh!   I am being hard on myself,  negative thinking.   I can recognize it,  just cannot seem to stop it.  

Maybe all of this is because I am struggling with copying VHS tapes.   I thought it would be easy but a lady asked for multiple copies.   The first copy went well,  but the VHS I have seems to have tighten the tape went it did a rewind.   The noise is copying to the DVD.   I cannot seem to fix it and I cannot seem to figure out how to copy the good DVD I have.   I only have one DVD recorder.    This is turning into a shit show like almost everything I try to do.   Why cannot things go smoothly for a change?    My car has been one thing after another and in the last month I have had 1500.00 in repairs!    Now my beloved convertible is having issues and I am forced to put it away for the winter leaving me without a vehicle for 4 months and facing repars when it comes out in the spring.   I actually put it up for sale but it did not sell.   I just cannot afford my beloved convertible.   I bought this car with what i call blood money i go from when I got drummed out of my x-employers.   

Why I am I such a loser?   I made the mistake of looking at linkedin and seeing how well people I use to work with are doing.   They work,  they earn a living,  their careers are taking off.  I am crashing and keep going deeper and deeper into hell.   Each day keeps getting worse and worse,  yet I try to find a positive and keep my chin up.   I am tired of keeping my chin up,  life sucks and it is kicking the shit out of me.   

I am taking riskings,   I have a growth on my thyroid which maybe cancer.   I opted not to have surgery.    There is an 80% change it is not cancer so I took a chance,  but really there is a part of me that hopes it is.    That is a horrible way of thinking when you have kids.  What about grand kids?   Hell my knee needs surgery and I am too young for it so I will not be able to enjoy grand kids anyway.   I live in pain emotionally and physically everyday.   Why me?   What did I do to deserve this?   I believe everythings happens for a reason.   I must have been a very bad person in the past.   You know what I was a bad person,  career oriented and not giving a shit about much more than moving ahead.   A horrible person.   Uncaring,  cold and horrible.    Now I feel everything....pain of every person.   It is like a curse.    Funny how that works....living hell.

I work my first shift at the crisis line tomorrow.   Isn't that funny,  I am so fucked up yet I think I can help other people.  Hhahahahaha.   I am such a loser.   I cannot even help myself so how the hell do I think I am going to help other people.   Worse yet,  I will have people listening in on my calls,  tell me how badly I fucked up.  hahahaha.   I am going to get fired from this,  just like I go fired from every job I have had.  It is a volunteer job, but i will still get fired and I likely should.   If I cannot help myself,  how the hell do I think I can help others.  

I get into these moments of thinking I am smart and know what I am doing.   I am to afraid to take a chance,   I will quit within a month.  that is the way I roll, quit before I get fired.    More booze,  I can still feel the smarting pain of being fire,  rejected,  not wanted.   I can still feel the smart of my therapist dumping me.   I miss her,  I don't know why,  she never gave a shit anyway,  it was all a lie.   My pyscharist is still falling me,  he was suppose to dump me after 6 weeks of leaving the program   He is still following me.   I guess he thinks I am still a nut bar, which is true....just listen to this rant.    It does not sound like a sane person.   The booze is just letting out the truth...I am sick still.   Very sick.   I can fake it for a while, but the truth comes out. 

Oh god,  I am crying again.   This sucks.  Emotions suck.    I liked it better when I felt nothing,   when I was numb.   Feeling suck.  I do feel the warmth of my dogs body against my leg.   I like that.   he is my calming,  my strength.   He is sleeping so peacefully,  I wish I had his iife. 

My head aches,   I really want to hurt myself,  but I know I cannot do that.   I hate this.   I feel I am living some place between actually living and death.   Not alive, but the living dead.   I am a high functioning mentally ill person.   People think I am ok,  because I function at a high level and push myself.   I can fake it well.   People have no idea how bad it really is. 

what a fucking rant eh?  I have a friend how really wants me to find god,  she is pushing the idea of going to her church.  No way,  I don't believe god would allow this shit to happen to people.   War,  abuse,  sexual abuse.    why?   if he could stop it why won't he?   I cannot believe.   sorry I am evil,  pure evil.

my knees are aching,  pain.   I guess I deserve this some how.   I am a bad person.   I do not get along with others.   I bit the hand that feeds me.   For example I am so torn,   I have written the paper,  the mental health association I am volunteering for has fuck up the voluneer support line,  they do not have enough people, so I sent an email to the paper.   Why I am such a trouble maker?   I put my volunteer job in jepordiy by going to the papper,  and exposing my volunteer employer,  but it is not right.  They closed down a 50 year old organization that was doing this job to take over the funding for themselves.  They fucked up,  they do not have the volunteers to man the line.   The people with mental illness are going to suffer because they do not care about anything other than taking all the funding for themselves.   Fuckers....it is about caring for mentally ill,  not about funding.   Fuckers for putting funding before people.  

A lady stood up in front of our trainng group and told us that she let a person leave who was extremely sucidial.   This person attempted and ended up in the hospital.   This lady actually said she let this lady go,  knowing she would attempt, because she needed to attempt suicide in order to learn she really wanted to live.   WTF??????   Is this quality to of care.    This same lady told me that Borderline she calle their bluff.   She said one borderline said that unless she got a bus ticket she was going to walk out infront of a bus,  she told her to go ahead,  she hope she did not do that, but it was her choise..    Really????? wtf????????????????

I hate where we are with mental health.  They seem to think we know right from wrong.  Well I know I made a lot of bad decision well sick.  I was not thinking right,  my mind was a mess and I don't really think I fully understood right from wrong.    I was planning on killing my human resources person.   I had a plan,   it was a good one,  it would have killed her.   I had a break from my mental illness and that break landed me in the hospital.   That saved her life.   

I think I am done my rant now.    I am not sure this helped any.  I think I just made myself look completely nuts.   Sorry if I triggered anyone.   It is a bit of a drunken rant.    emotions coming out.   I hate myself for my feelings,   I know they are fucked.  

UGH!!!!   Fuck me...just let me die already.   i WILL REGRET THIS POST TOMORROW BECAUSE IT IS FROM MY HEART...THE TRUTH.   UGH!!!

I will likely end the night by punching myself in the head trying to knock some sense into me.    How did it get to be like this?    I hate it,  I hate myself tonight.   I hate who I have become.    I hate my life,   useless,  worthless, a shell of my former self.   weak , loser.