I got screened at the local women’s center to receive free counseling. Unreported sexual assault within the last three years means all my visits with them are covered. That’s amazing.

 I have seen 7 counselors in the last two years. One went on maternity leave. One was constantly going out of town. One realized she didn’t have what I needed and referred me to someone odd. The story goes on. I haven’t been picky, just not connected with someone who could provide steady support. 

Needless to say I did not want to get screened. Answered questions. We chatted about my whole life story. Would you know it was easier to talk about child abuse and sibling sexual/physical abuse, date rape and all that preceded hubby than it was to talk about hubby. 

I’m struggling with this feeling or thought that there is nothing wrong with him after all. I have this huge amount of self doubt and I know I’m not perfect. I also know he’s not but something there is not connecting as it should. Right now he’s cordial. Cordial is as close to kind as he gets but to me it feels like a bouquet of roses tied to a puppy who’s carrying a box of chocolates all for me. It makes me wish I hadn’t left. It does not make me want to go home and there’s no invitation but it makes me wish we still had this family unit - that my kids could have Mommy and Daddy under one roof because to them that is bliss. Because they asked if I’m going to their cousins birthday party and got sad when I told them I’m not. They’re going, with their Daddy. I’m not welcome. That’s hard for so many reasons. A lot of them make me wish I had not left him. Their little developing brains wouldn’t know what to do with the trauma so they really wouldn’t be affected for years. I know that’s exactly why I should not go back but it’s also heartbreaking in the moment.

 I got permission from my lawyer to split our insurance policies. My agent is amazing. He drafted something making hubs responsible for the car he sold that he shouldn’t have sold yet bc it’s still in my name and I am not legally allowed to give him the title until a judge says I can. Because doing so would condone the sale and we both signed something saying we wouldn’t dispose of or change anything so he could technically be held in contempt....as of tomorrow I’m saving $100 a month. I’ve been so upside down financially that I am a month behind. My agent is tacking the past due amount onto his policy and letting me start fresh. He doesn’t know anything really except for what I’ve asked his advice on concerning the car and the policy. He’s helped me know what questions to ask my lawyer and the police and he’s the only reason I’m able to absolve myself from this responsibility even though on paper it looks like I can’t. I’m so thankful for him. 

Having this freedom enabled me to see that the big picture of finances is not as terrifying as I thought. I have some plans to pay down some debt and I’ve been saving a little.

 I had a moment of clarity today.

 I have been insanely symptomatic (PTSD). My every move has felt surreal. I can’t explain with words the troubles I’ve had with dissociating. I have been triggered massively in the worst ways....

feeling trapped

there is no good thing to say, in fact I’ve been told not to say anything at all

being told I’m unreasonable for taking care of myself physically when not doing so could literally kill me (yay asthma!)

people not being who everyone thinks they are

Its no wonder I’ve had trouble concentrating. I’m living in fear. I don’t need to be living in fear but those feelings/thought patterns are triggers for me. Being without a good safe option is terrifying. No matter what I do I’m not safe. Except I am. It’s not as bad as it was two decades ago. People do believe me even if the people who matter don’t. I know who I am and I have people in my corner who would tell me if I needed to accept an ugly truth. They have told me I was very reasonable. I kept looking for a way to hear that these words were true but they’re not. They’re just not true. I’m proud of myself for not owning them but all this stuff is still very triggering. I’m trying hard to come back down to earth. Practicing grounding and mindfulness. I love playing with the kids. It keeps me present. But then they go to sleep and they definitely don’t come to work with me. 

I can’t explain everything but it’s been a hard week. At least I recognize the need for self compassion. Maybe I will sleep better tonight.