(This is related to PTSD because my relationships with men are affected by my uncle’s sexual abuse)

we’d been talking for months, heated conversations about literature that felt too intense, but he really pm’ed something that hurt me.... “My character’s not beautiful either, but she’s a force to be reckoned with.”  now the either didn’t quite refer directly to me, but I felt angry that maybe my opinion was being sought (he aggressively sent excerpts over a course of months)  not really as a writer, but as a “not beautiful woman” sort of focus group. I didn’t even clap back like I wanted to; I said the next day that I ordered a book he’d specifically shown me and that I was a bit jealous of his having literary parents when mine weren’t.  I’d even RSVP’d no to his Christmas party, (my husband’s office party was the same night) so he “liked” a bunch of my statuses on Facebook and quoted poetry and was lovely... and then proceeded to block me. His profile is now invisible to me and my gut is telling me I was blocked. 

I don’t think his friends liked that I’d sent him an edible arrangement when he was really sick. I got a few raised eyebrows and a couple of them asked about our relationship at his party. (I’d tried to get the dance group to send him a get well thing; hoping they would chip in, so I sent it myself.)  I remember trying to just say goodbye politely at his party and Michelle from dance rushing over first; it really seemed like she didn’t want me to talk to him. Ironically, I really sent the edible arrangement because I felt guilty for being a pest and wanted to be a better person. 

I’m starting to think Michelle isn’t my friend though. One more reason not to go back to Monday’s. I don’t feel guilty for having a crush or being my twisted self. I really tried to not bother him because he’s just too handsome, but he came back into my life and it threw me for a loop. I’ve been weeded out, but maybe, deep down, he knows I’m just as good a writer as he is. And he can’t handle it. Or, he kind of liked me, too. He did send me a love song once.  He really is confusing. But he works in cyber security so I’m not surprised he would block me if he felt any sort of sour vibes. I guess I should be flattered by being called “not beautiful?” That seems fair. Well, the whole experience was interesting. At least my crushes have become more manageable and I’m handling rejection better. 

I really need to just focus on my husband.