mom has gone into Southern belle mode. She's going to diet until she's 140 lbs. or a size 14 at least, she's doing leg lifts on the bed, in preparation for her breakfast with a self-proclaimed Apostle she's met at her church. At Waffle House. I'm happy for her, but hubby says it's too soon after my father's death in November. 

Had a nightmare. It was me feeling frightened and humiliated in an abandoned movie-set freak show trailer. The trailer seemed to be alive and it wanted to hurt me. I wondered if this was about my humiliation at being kicked in the butt/groin by a man when I woke up, but my thoughts turned to my mother's past. 

Mom's version of her life: my uncle raped her at age 5, and he was sent to live at my great grandmothers. (I know he WAS sent to live there, but not when). She was popular and in gifted classes, but mostly known as her twin's sister (my other uncle was a professional athlete; not going to say the sport for privacy reasons). All the boys liked her, but she kept turning them down. Her parents didn't let her take her road test because she got too excited and sat in the back seat. (Gap) then, she was selected by President Kennedy to help retarded people. She talked about helping them and shaking at one of the home dances while dancing with a black man she said was her boss. Because she was so afraid of black people, she says.? 

When I woke up from my dream, I wondered if she had in fact been sent to the home and wasn't a helper there. She has so much rage at her family, even to the point that she is glad my grandmother died because of the inheritance. She also had an extreme reaction when I was in the psych ward and had always refused to let me get any psychiatric treatment after my uncle assaulted me. Could that be why? It is hard to find the truth when she has lied to me so many times. 

I remember at my father's memorial, my rarely seen ex-professional athlete uncle telling an anecdote. My father was an abrupt teenager appearing in the house in a white t-shirt, scaring everyone. My mom's version? Her family didn't like my dad for "no reason" and they had to elope because her family wouldn't let her change her major. 

Her stories messed with my head my whole life, what is true???