RR-

My mother is a great lady, but ... in my childhood ... was kind of a lousy mother. She wasn't abusive. She simply turned a blind eye toward too much abuse that was going on under her nose and roof.

My wife's mother ... is a horrid woman, though.

I recognized it the day I met her ... almost 18 years ago. Just ... bitter and broken.

While I always describe my wife as "the most normal person I know," she's broken, too.

When the world came crashing down around me ... the source of my Complex PTSD ... my wife really sat idly by ... despite my constant pleas for her help.

That's what she learned in her family of origin: every man for himself.

Some of us were raised with an understanding of what "family" and "community" and "inter-dependence" mean. Some of us were raised as ferals ... law of the jungle.

The feral/jungle thing ... is an infinitely harder row to hoe.

I'm sorry for your experience.

I hate my mother, and I hate that I feel that way even more. I dread Mother's Day each year for feeling like I have to kiss up to my mother or she'll take revenge in that subtly devastating way of hers while I am disgusted by my own phoniness but unwilling to create an ugly rift with repercussions on people I do love. And Mother's Day makes me sad because I wish I'd been well and together enough to be a better mother to my kids.

I wish I'd had a mother that was what people think that word "mother" means. I wish we all had, sincerely. I'm glad we have each other.

My mom did a great job, but she also had her flaws.... Cmpared to my dad and sis, small potatoes. And she had a father who was so derisive that the good influence of her mother's family didn't completely negate it. So she wound up unable to cope with our home situation with my dad and sis....

I adore my mom but with clarity about her falws. Yes, she drank. She also taught me the life lessons that kept me going and have given me the exposure to mental health and family health I otherwise would've never had.

I'm grateful to her for so much.
But when I needed her most? She didn't know how to do it without endangerous her life/sense of safety, without triggering her relatively "simple" PTSD.... but now, when I need her? 90 percent of the time she is there and will help me determine reality of emories, will hear me out if I say, "You need to back off on this", etc....

And my MIL has been supportive as well.

That said? Mydad's mother makes a cobra look like a good parent. So....

Ryver, so sorry you have no reasdon to treasure your mom on this day----but come Father's Day, watch me fall intoa pile of conflicted pain! *sigh*

I am glad that I have no kids. I am terrified I would've ended up continuing the cycle. Eep.

Gentles hugs to you, and to David, and to all whose mothers violated the trust that should never be violated between parent and child.

Healing to us all,
Leo

Wow, ryverrat, what you wrote matches my own experience to the point that I wondered if you and I might be related!

I, too, wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the good mom's here, but I have a mom who was so Machiavellian it will only stop when she no longer draws breath. I spent years trying to reconcile with her, and even with the support of a therapist to assist me, never touched her heart one time. She just doesn't have one, at least not for others. She is a chilling character of nightmare quality.

I pity her, though. She engineered her life to cause everyone else to suffer for her, and in that she did succeed. She caused us all great pain. The thing is, accepting your own portion of suffering is, it seems to me, part of the human condition. My mother will die without ever knowing the human experience and without ever being connected to love, joy, understanding, solidarity, compassion.

She could care less, I know. But the one thing she could not engineer was for me to be like her, try as she did. I'm glad I'm human, even if it means I feel pain and loss on Mother's Day.

I'm glad someone started this thread- I was going to, but it's so validating to find this.

My mother tried. But she was weak. She used that weakness as a crutch. Now that I'm grown, she's used that flaw to somehow justify a lot of very poor behavior. Her inability to have any insight and keep playing the victim and own NOTHING has alienate both my brother and me.

I feel guilty not calling her, but I just can't muster up the pretense. Same with my brother. So I know it's not just me.

If she'd just say she's sorry and admit that she currently needs help. But no. And my father enables it. Total dysfunction and I'm starting to cry just typing this. It's so sad that they have no clue how to live a life of dignity, respect and joy.

I'm a mother now and my biggest fear is that my children ever feel one ounce toward me of what I feel toward mine. And the kicker is, I even allow my children to see their grands (my parents) just so I'm never accused of alienation.

My son's taking a nap. I just cleaned the floor (a weekly ritual that is great therapy for me) and I'm going to go out front to our community parking lot a run up and down the hill until I get some sort of clarity about it all. A clear mind and tight buns. Win win for me, even if I don't have a reason to honor my mother on this day.

My mother was an alcoholic with a very bad temper. But I knew that she loved me. When sober she was very loving and compassionate. Unfortunately I watched my step-dad murder her in front of me when I was 8. I've spent 48 years wishing every day that I could have my mom with me. Earlier today I was asked to write down one thing that my mother did for me. Unfortunately my mother was around for only 8 yrs but in that time she gave us a lot of things. Perhaps the most important of these is my younger sister. Yes she is the most important thing that my mother gave to me. Thank you mom for giving me such a beautiful and special sister, a wonderful sibling. One of the most important people in my life today. It is too easy to find fault in those around us, especially when they go out of their way to reveal them. It is a hard thing to find something good and remain focused upon that.

Parents are just people who had babies. The hormones don't change their past life experiences, bad habits or anything. It's a wonder the human species has survived this long. Of course, even with a perfect parent there is no predictability that the children will be perfect.

My child is just lately getting some perspective on me as a human being muddling along in life, and forgiving me for my mistakes. My own mother has passed on, and it's been a process for me, also, to get perspective on her life and forgive her for her horrible behavior.

Each generation has to kind of survive their childhoods and figure out how to be better than their own parents were.