Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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most of abusers together? TW

cjpfaz
cjpfaz
It was summertime. A party outside. There is watermelon. I try to like it, but don't. N. Family is there. My family. M. Family? If so, then the three main families that sexual abused me were there except one that I have not touched on much in my memories. I was around 8 or 9 years old I think. My mom's brother and family there? They did not abuse me.
Last Saturday, in therapy I felt a memory coming towards the surface. At first I said that I wanted to say something but I did not know what. Then came the start of self-anger. Later that day I felt very sad driving to work. Then anxious. Sunday anxious and self-hate. Twice tonight and this morning around 1, I cut my self. As bad as it sounds I drew a pictue of the abuse I remember in my drawings on Saturday with N. Family boys and brother in N. Family above ground pool and it felt like it something bad to me happened. I do remember as I kid not wanting to use their pool, which is unusual because I love the water.
Fighting with my impulses now.
bluedragon41
bluedragon41
Try to remember you are safe NOW. Breathe deep and slow. Relax your body. Drink a glass of water. You already survived, unfortunately you have been traveling with the stuffed-down feelings. Remember hating yourself is a Part of the memory.

Feelings can and do feel horrible, but they pass. Keep breathing and allow the feeling, like a big wave. It will pass. Don't act on thoughts of hurting yourself. It's ok to scream and cry.
My mr Crazypants called the sort of crying I was doing when I was getting memories back " keening ". I guess at one point he had done it himself.
As he put it, it's more like the cry of a wounded animal.

I am so very sorry you have to go through this, this stuff hurts so indescribably badly. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
But I can tell you going through this and out the other side? I am finally fully here in my own life, I am a lot lighter, I can feel so much more happiness without all that frozen shame and grief.
arfie
arfie
Giving up the fight helped me allot with healing my memory blocks. To carry on bluedragon's logic to remember that hating yourself is part of the memory, fighting the memory and all its relative emotions only makes it harder to sort what is memory and what is present day. When I focus on simple, non-judgmental acceptance, the sorting goes much easier. Those memories will never be pretty, but now they are reduced to stains on the wall which are literally ugly as sin, but they have no power over my current day.

Gentle support while you sort, cj. Healing happens. Let it happen to you.
joneszy93
joneszy93
Like arfie mentioned, for me it has helped to not fight the flashbacks and such. I've noticed that for me, when I feel them coming on, I just let them happen. As crappy as it is to go through the flashback, (for me) I've noticed that it has helped me gain back more memories from other abuse that I've endured that I've forgotten. It helps put that puzzle together. And like bluedragon mentioned, try to remember that you're safe now and that you're not in that abusive situation anymore.
LeoX3
LeoX3
I also do better if I just take a drink of ice water, let th flashback come, write it down, then just go ahead and have a good cry if necessary. It's horrible, but fighting them ends upworse in the long run (as I know too well)....

Gentle hugs.

I hated family gatherins. My dad's family was hard to take one individual at a time. All together? I frankly used to hide.
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