Yesterday started out great.

 I showered, got us all to our places on time and enjoyed my interacting with clients. Prior to break someone told me to call the boss ASAP. I did. He asked for my uniform and shoe sizes because my promotion is here! That felt surreal, like I shouldn’t be excited for it because I’ll still believe it when I see it - the new uniform, the raise, the fully covered insurance, etc. and then there’s the fear of failure....

Then my copareting app showed me that soon to be ex had paid off a credit card. Mind blowing.

Hes done some things lately that make me think maybe he’s not so bad.

ehem, TW........

He threatened me, called me everything under the sun, didn’t let me access our money without going through him, blew up my credit, sabatoged my ability to work and raped me. On the scale of 1 to Abuse, he was abusive. But I still have trouble admitting that. It’s hard to wrap my mind around sexual violence that didn’t seem violent but no is no and 150lbs more than me didn’t require violence, just strength. It’s also weird to try to sort out the marital aspect of marital rape. It’s all so confusing. I’m still looking for my fault in the situation and I’m not perfect. I have learned some things about me but I had clear boundaries. He just didn’t care about them. Hurt me, rape me, he’d feel better. And maybe it’s his words more than his actions. He would tell me I was controlling and crazy and all this stuff and now suddenly he’s being reasonable. Reasonable, by the way, is responding after months or if I’m lucky, weeks, of asking the same question over and over again. I am a mess. 

I worked with someone who’s a lot like my primary abuser yesterday. I work with him often but he’s vocal about having been through his own traumas and yesterday was clearly a hard day for him. He was a mess. So I was a mess. At one point (I think he was joking but you never know), he said something like “marah if I do this and it works I’m going to be so angry, you’ve never seen me angry....” I avoided him for ten minutes or more and then got to avoid him for the rest of the day bc a director wanted to shadow him because he was off...so I swapped with her and worked outside and she worked with him. Thank God! I also asked someone else how their weekend was and apparently it was terrible. He said everyone was unhappy and I asked if it had been a rough week at school. He judged the size of my small family and said I’m lucky bc a family as big as his it’s hard to keep everyone happy.

that hurt a lot.

 I know life is not about being happy but about being safe and getting through the hard days but it hurt a lot that he thought I have it easier. I am a single mom. My 2.5 year old knows the meaning of sad and cries for her dad regularly. 2.5years old. When she’s with him, most of our phone calls are spent with her crying for me for the first half of the calls. I have a small family and no spouse because I chose safety over culturally prescribed peace. And the rest of the post alone will tell you my weekend was not easy without even mentioning my weekend. But I enjoyed my weekend. So much time with them. Fun free events, cuddling and watching Frozen, eating our favorite foods. I am doing my best and I guess it shows because the whole world thinks I’ve got it together. And that’s what hurts. Not that he was angry and unkind with his words but that everyone in my life thinks I’m fine. I am not fine.

But, here comes Tuesday!