Arfie, reading your post here, I just realized.... What I wouldn't give for a mom who wanted me in her life. Whose hands weren't held out for cash. Who just wanted to sit and talk casually, lightly, about TV shows maybe, or the news... Who would tell me what was going on in her life and I'd share the same to her, because family is about sharing the burdens and the joys....

Coming at it from the other end, so to speak? I'm trying to unpick the tapestry to find the first snarled thread, and so far the weave of it all defeats my efforts. I too await the next kaboom. She is angry that we told her to call once a day to let us know she's okay. That we said if she wants us to visit, let us know. And the silence on her end is hurting much more than my ears.

I had family. The good kind. I really miss it. The balance it gave me against the rest of the world and against my dad's family... is why I'm not in prison, or a grave, or worse, to be honest. It wasn't perfect on the "good" side. Squabbles arose, but they were forgiven. COmplaints were made, but concessions, too.

All I wanted as a kid was to have that for myself in my home as an adult. We brought Mom into it. It worked out well for several years. Now we can't co-habitate and I don't even know why. The more I try to untangle the threads, the more clueless I become.

Support as you sort, Arfie. It is hard when hearts full of love run into hands full of Gimme and mouths full of Fukkoff. Being the naively optimistic fool I am, I shall continue to hope for us both that good hearts will prevail.

Soft comfort,
Leo

Whatever mistakes you have made or continue to make, by the time your kids are middle aged they are co-responsible for the relationship, assuming you are not actively and deliberately hurtful and destructive to anyone - which I do assume. You can and do blurt shit out at times, but I'm pretty sure you're willing to own it, which means you can be worked with. So it's their job to work with you. And be grateful that you're willing to own your behavior and be grateful that you can be worked with. Because some mothers (like mine) are always innocent and respond to reproach with an attack and are not safe to be around.

'With all the dysfunctions attached, I still find myself wanting these grown-up-children in my life. All of them. I find myself thinking that family is not about being innocent or being guilty. It is about being complete?'

I often feel this way. I find it so strange that although my mom continually makes horrible choices when it comes to my welfare (working on this) and how I was raised by her dysfunction I still feel myself wanting her in my life.

It is very confusing and can be excruciating at times. I understand what you are saying and I can only say how I deal with it and that is blow by blow treating each situation as its own. Resentment? Yes. Anger? Yes. I do find that although it is miserable at times I find accomplishment when I work it out.

I hope that all makes sense, because yes she is very dysfunctional but I try.

From DW:

Because some mothers (like mine) are always innocent and respond to reproach with an attack and are not safe to be around.

Very much like mine

hoping for a good outcome

easy does it steady as she goes Arf