oh for Clarity. yes...i have struggled with thinking and feeling in black and white pretty much my whole life... i am doing a *little* better at it than i was in my twenties....when...disappointment and anger led to self destructiveness.....now,more raging pages in my journal,for which i feel guilt about later,when things are resolved......or,to be numb....which in the past also led to self destructiveness......i am still confused about feeling different feelings about the same...issue,or person...my therapist says it's natural,and ok.i sit,i walk through it,but he anxiety it causes me is overwhelming...not only do i crave clarity...but utter security...which i doubt i will ever feel......ramble ramble morning ramble.....

Nothing is black and white, people do horrible things that mark them for life but still are funny, generous, ect. What I'm saying is it's hard to focus on the unhealthy when there was a slew of healthy as well. This confusion is extremely annoying and frustrating but on the same token it proves I'm not borderline or whatever label was thrown my way. I have the ability to look at both sides of the coin. Sorting that out is a whole other question lol but the confusion and anxiety that arises also forces me to look at certain things that would be easier to ignore. It forces me to make informed decisions rather than impulsive and irrational which only leads to shame. I do do the irrational quite well but afterwards is when the clarity begins.

It's hard to sit with two conflicting emotions, a balance is possible but the how's are not in my vocabulary other than giving it time to settle down and respond vs react.