Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Merry Christmas Everyone, I know the holidays are hard on a lot of us, i lost a baby right before Christmas and this is 25 months since losing my Dad i was very close too. As well as many other losses. But i hope and pray we can all find some peace and joy this holiday. I am trying hard despite i am really struggling since getting covid 2 1/2 weeks ago. I can barely stay awake, i have very extreme fatigue and even higher pain levels than normal that at times keep me up all night or a good part of the night, but even the nights i do sleep i still struggle to stay awake during the day. I did FINALLY get the presents wrapped today but have not made the candy or cookies i normally do, i dont think i ever did not make them before. Not even Dads gingerbread men that are so important to me after losing him, but i just can not do it. Matt my fiance did make sugar cookies last night with the refridgerated dough, but i appreiate it so much! We did get some store bought candy as back up and im grateful for that. I am relying on a lot of help from others this year and thankful mom hosted Christmas eve tonight instead of me, but Christmas Day is here and mom offered to do it but Pain wise i am more comfortable at home. But a very peaceful moment tonight was my 2, 17 day old puppies sleeping on my chest for over an hour just snuggling on me making puppy noises (my mom owns the momma dog so they are with her until 10 weeks old) Was a very happy time to have them on me. This year its the simple things, as we are trying to focus more on teh reason for the season (i know its different for each person but for us its Jesus) and not so much on everything else. Very grateful i am not doign worse than i am from having covid, my Dr said my lungs already sound perfect again but i am struggling with my blood pressure and my blood sugars (i am a type 2 insulin dependent diabetic) sinc having covid. But i came thru it with no hospital stay or visit thanks to having oxygen at home from last time i was on it and from teh antiviral helping. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas or as good of a day as you can!
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
I find it hard not to have flashbacks of family when my own family disowned and left me homeless exactly 10 years ago taking away my house I had made payments on that was owned by the family trust. I had just gone through heart treatment and was recovering from a sudden heart failure. Money was more important to them than my own well being as my (not adopted) brother had his home foreclosed on and used the money from my house to buy a new million dollar property (the reason I am writing a book). I have not spoken to them since.
I have great guilt for my Dad passing during that time and not being with him. I felt my Christian tug of guilt last night that hit me like a toppling of bricks. I'm not sure why, but sometimes in comes in waves. His sister, my Aunt, has also rejected me now as they wouldn't see me while I was in Napa, my hometown. I think it is her punishment for my not being there for his death. She may have been part of the reason I lost the house, turns out, so I am grappling with some resentment too.
At the time, I was told in no uncertain terms by my therapist that I was to have no contact with my family because I was self harming (my 1 car accident I caused) because of their gaslighting and actions. It was an abusive family relationship that I had and being free of them, I know is in my best interest. But just the same, being adopted and alone at the holidays is very hard for me. I also was married to an alcoholic abusive husband. We had some very good holidays, but the occasions where he was angry, abusive and out of control took away those good memories. I have flashbacks of those times as well.
I share this in hopes it may help someone else. IF you are alone and lonely, you can get through it. My faith has always helped me get through knowing God/my higher power has something better for me. Christmas reminds me that no matter where you are at in life, wealthy (I've had extreme wealth and extreme poverty), that you will be okay. It's just one day to get through and next year may look very very different. Look at you being engaged. You are a walking miracle with your 6 little puppies!
Wishing you all a peaceful, comforting holiday, JP