Right now I feel like I can't think. And i really hate this feeling. It's pure torture, My mind is never clear. I never ge a moments peace. My anxiety never leaves me alone and it's very frustrating. I wish that there was an on/off button for this anxiety/OCD/PTSD. Because if there was i would keep it off at all times. I cant stand living this way anymore. I cant. I want to live. I want to be a normal 22 year old. But its just so damn fucking hard with all this shit going through my head all DAY LONG.

I don't know what to do with all these memories that keep on popping up that i repressed over the years. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to do with the Elementary school memories. The real scary ones, the ones where im being picked on in the girls bathroom and all of the girls telling me i had a disease, or that im ugly, or that no one should use the bathroom stall after me sometimes their exact words would be, "eww, she has a disease, dont use that bathroom after her, eww," and they would all laugh. The ones where im having my hair pulled while sitting in a circle during show and tell, the ones where the teachers actually forgot about me during show and tell and i was never able to show off what i brought to school specifically for that. The ones where i would end up being picked on during gym class because of was afraid of the ball coming and hitting me right in the face, or the ones where the stupid boys would fling rubber bands at my bare arms. Or the ones where the teachers wouldnt listen to me when i was telling them i was being picked on. The ones where i was picked on on the bus until i would get off of the bus and walk home from the bus stop crying because of it. or the one where my coloring book was stolen from me, and the kid lied to my face and said it was his and i cried and cried and begged for that coloring book and he still wouldnt give it back.Or the time when my sister was picked up from school to go to England with my aunt and i was watching her walk away with her and remembered that i would be going home after school and felt unappreciated. Or the time that I fell down outside at before going into to the school with scrapped up knees and no one helped me at first until i actually walked into the building. Or the time i was picked on on the playground and walked off crying by myself. The time that every single time people would choose partners, NO ONE would chose me. The time where no one wanted to sit next to me in class. Or be my buddy when we were go on a feild trip. Or the time someone had to pick me up during a fire drill because i was to terrified to move. The times i was called four eyes for wearing glasses, and they all called me ugly, and they used to say they would flush my glasses down the toilet. And the time this one girl told me to shut my mouth because she didnt like my breathing.. and there are more that i cant really describe, but i know deep down inside happened, like being molested by my guidance counselor.

I also have a lot of memories about my sister being mean to me coming to the surface too..
Like the time that when i would have a group of friends she would steal them from me. The time that she would lock me in the closet for a few minuets and then leave the room and then let me out when she came back. The time that she would put her hand over my mouth and i felt like i was suffocating, or dying. The time that she would make me be the monster when her and her friends would play power rangers. The time that she would steal all my barbies from me. The times that she would laugh at me. The time she would throw toys at me. The time that she talked me into stealing from Six Flags. The time one time that i went over to her friends house with her. That one was real bad. I remember it like it was yesterday, all the feelings, the emotions, the sadness, crying. I ended up going with her to one of her friends houses, and my mom stopped over to bring me over my stuffed Penguin that the only teacher i liked gave me, and i was going to go say bye to her and they ended up shutting the window on me before i even had a chance to say bye. The feeling i had that whole entire night was unbearable. Her and her friends tried to get me to SMOKE a ciggerette, and i was only 8 years old or somewhere around that time and i ended up hiding in a closet for a little over 30 minuets. and that night was terrible. I remember CRYING the whole night even in my sleep. I had the worse headache from crying. I can faintly remember my vision blurring out from crying. I slept on the floor that night and i remember my sister and her friends saying," why doesnt she stop crying. Shes needs to stop crying now, oh my god its so annoying... I remember them yelling at me to stop crying. but i couldnt stop. I remember being so cold and scared and i just wanted to go home the whole time. It felt like the room was moving on me. I couldnt handle it anymore. I still remember the feeling of the floor underneath me, the coldness of it was horrible. I remember being wrapped up in my blanket and not being able to move because i was so traumatized. They didnt care at all. When i finally fell asleep, the sun had just came up. Thats how long i was crying for. That's one of the most painful memories i think that i have of some of the things my sister did to me.