first the venting rant i am attempting to focus this morning. just venting. no advice, please. thoughts, opines and experience welcome.

hubs published a website for our llc (limited liability corporation) this past week. it is coached in the royal we, but it is his website. he likes writing in the third person plural. i have tried to publish websites for our efforts, but they suffocated in awkward silences and never received so much as an acknowledgement. business as usual between us. hubby is a bit of a myopic control freak. so am i, but i work out my control freakitis in my therapy circles. hubby would never call himself a control freak and expects his minions to just read his mind and follow orders. i'm pretty good at following orders, but my mind reading skills are nonexistant. can we have that in writing, honeybunch?

a web presence is a basic necessity in today's business climate, whatever the face of the presence. hubs' website is quite adequate. it remains a works in progress, but it is off to a clean and healthy start. may the works progress. the question i ponder this morning is the focus of my interest in the work. for certain, i am not a full collaborator. my attempts at collaborating disintegrated almost immediately into the domestic tit for tat we have 44 years of habit with. thanks but no thanks. i'm trying to kick those habits. they make no sense, whatsoever, but here we are. so far, he seems to be handing out assignments without clarity to the focus and flow within the overall website. read my mind, head minion.

this morning's meditation from "meditations for people who worry" by anne wilson schaef is resonating loudly enough for me to go for the reinforcement of typing it out in order to share here.

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understanding

if you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are~ zen proverb

how much emphasis we have put on "understanding"! we have felt confused and bewildered and we have believed that if we could just understand what is going on that we would be okay. we have sought and clutched on to interpretations and reasons, feeling if we just knew what was really going on or why someone behaved as they do, we would be all right. yet, when we found an explanation or interpretation for ourselves or another, this interpretation, in the long run, really didn't make much of a difference in the way we felt.

indeed, if we look carefully at what we are doing, we just might see that the "understanding" actually resulted in our leaving ourselves and what we were feeling. this understanding helped us abandon ourselves. remember being hurt or angry and then thinking that the feelings were "unjustified" when we "understood"? our feelings just are. they will lead us to where we need to be.

nobody ever healed by understanding.

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hubs and i started our relationship in a collaborative spirit. i believe that collaborative spirit was already being challenged before we formally tied the knot. my first interpretation of the challenge was, "guys will say anything to get laid." in the 44 years since, the interpretations have cycled through a host of romantic stereotypes and psychobabbled analysis, none of which have been adequate to reclaiming the collaborative spirit of our prenuptual projects.

just sorting. repeat, no advice, please. there are too many important details even the most omniscient of advice-givers can be aware of.

today i leave the mood icon squarely on "okay." yeah, i'm confused, but? ? ? it must be a day that ends in "y." ^it^ is what ^it^ is, whether i understand ^it^ or knot. methinks i'm doing well with mindful awareness that i am psychopating.