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Hey all... I know this was not my idea, but I think it is a great subject.
Being female, I can only tell you what I think and what I see.
From my perspective, I see my hubby as SAFE. He is strength for me to curl into or to stand between me and the world. Around him I am SOFT. Alone I can stand on my own, but when he is around, I defer to him to take care of me. I find this trait, of not being able to stand on my own when he is around as annoying and sometimes it can be more than he wants or can do.
He can be aggressive, especially when cornered. He wants to lead, to stand, to be counted - though he does not like people anymore than I do.
So how do I define masculine?
Strength - be it physical or mental. Masculinity to me means that there is a power there.
Confidence - again, physical or mental. The confidence does not mean 100% of the time, but when I see a man as the most masculine is when he is feeling confident about what he is doing, even if what he is doing is embroidery.
Drive - the want to DO or to GO or CREATE or whatever. Just hiding does not impress me. Now I feel I need to specify that I am not talking about people who, like me, are trying to deal with issues, but someone who has given up. (I see that people here are TRYING which requires DRIVE and thus is very masculine in my mind.) My hubby has stated to me that he feels the least masculine when he has nothing to do. I also see my apprentice, who is supposed to be helping me make product for an upcoming show, give up on going to high school, give up on learning to run a business, give up on trying to get healthy. He is not impressing me right now, yet when he was trying, as a mentor I saw his potential as a young man. Now he looks like a boy.
So, those are my thoughts. I do not always see any given man as masculine 100% of the time. I do not see myself as feminine 100% of the time - well, most of the time.
Being female, I can only tell you what I think and what I see.
From my perspective, I see my hubby as SAFE. He is strength for me to curl into or to stand between me and the world. Around him I am SOFT. Alone I can stand on my own, but when he is around, I defer to him to take care of me. I find this trait, of not being able to stand on my own when he is around as annoying and sometimes it can be more than he wants or can do.
He can be aggressive, especially when cornered. He wants to lead, to stand, to be counted - though he does not like people anymore than I do.
So how do I define masculine?
Strength - be it physical or mental. Masculinity to me means that there is a power there.
Confidence - again, physical or mental. The confidence does not mean 100% of the time, but when I see a man as the most masculine is when he is feeling confident about what he is doing, even if what he is doing is embroidery.
Drive - the want to DO or to GO or CREATE or whatever. Just hiding does not impress me. Now I feel I need to specify that I am not talking about people who, like me, are trying to deal with issues, but someone who has given up. (I see that people here are TRYING which requires DRIVE and thus is very masculine in my mind.) My hubby has stated to me that he feels the least masculine when he has nothing to do. I also see my apprentice, who is supposed to be helping me make product for an upcoming show, give up on going to high school, give up on learning to run a business, give up on trying to get healthy. He is not impressing me right now, yet when he was trying, as a mentor I saw his potential as a young man. Now he looks like a boy.
So, those are my thoughts. I do not always see any given man as masculine 100% of the time. I do not see myself as feminine 100% of the time - well, most of the time.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
My husband is fascinating to me because he does not seem typically masculine. He is ridiculously softhearted and doesn't care about posturing at all. Yet he has that drive alright. He is confident and comfortable with authority and responsibility. He is kind, generous, and paternal in the sense of wanting to help and guide others, and he is also comfortable receiving guidance and help.
It feels awkward to talk about these things because I want to qualify everything, since none of it is absolute ... because we do all possess masculine and feminine qualities. Males are not exclusively masculine nor are females exclusively feminine. It is healthy to have a balance of these qualities in the individual and in the society. In fact, people with a high degree of both qualities are generally very attractive.
For me, masculine had serious negative connotations when I was young, as masculine meant strong, intelligent, aggressive in all senses, stoic, and unyielding. It meant feminine was weak, emotional, passive, vacillating.... ergo, contemptible.
Now? i just see it as how society defines behavioral norms.
My husband is a man, as in male. He is masculine in the sense he is protective and intelligent. but mostly to me, he is a person. Human and humane.
My dad was a man as in male, as in my above definition of masculine, and a total ahole. A cruel person. Human but not humane.
Just my addled view.
At first what I said was...I'm not sure that's a good idea...then I realized I could either naysay or cheerlead, because he is jolly well going to beat his head against it until he gets a job.
I think he needs work for his own self-respect, really.
He loves me and values my input a lot, but he is going to do what he's going to do, and that strikes me as a very guy sort of thing.
I don't know that I like gender roles, because they turn into boxes people get forcibly, nastily shoved into...but I note that gender and gendered behavior's a real thing. Little boys really do act differently from very little. I think social expectations end up exaggerating this quite a bit, but I've observed it in kids that weren't channeled into any gender choices.
Strength. A real man has strength, maybe not necessarily of body, but of character. Strength implies the ability to be gentle, because only the weak need to victimize others to make themselves feel powerful.
My husband and I are a good balance. He has taught me patience -something I didn't have at all. He has taught me that I don't need to fight for everything and I have taught him that he doesn't have to NOT fight for anything. We balance each other.
I like what WalkingBuffalo says in the feminine thread - that the goal is to find the internal balance.
All that said, what does it mean to me to be masculine? He must be a protector. This is also influenced by my past - and probably society as well. And as I sit here thinking about it...my husband is not a protector. I am the protector. Maybe this is why I can't find my feminine or understand it. This has been a very educational post for me. I am going to go ponder this a while.
:-)
Then last month he got a job from left field... within a week he went from too sick to leave the house most days to strong, confident, and working 12 hour shifts. It threw me for a curve ball! I was trying to protect him and with just a push of not wanting to BE protected he jumped in and is doing great!
So have faith. I am betting your hubby will do the same.