Ever since I came here to DS PTSD 6 years ago I have learned to my great relief that it's OK here to talk about our abusers--all of them.  Recovering as I am from trauma in 3 categories (combat, sexual assault, & domestic violence) mine are numerous.  Nonetheless, as a guy, until I came here there was one abuser about whom I had not yet spoken enough:  my mother.

I still love my mother, I've loved her dearly ever since I was a child.  That is why it was so hard for me to understand the grim moods that would come over her every week.  During those moods she would either beat me mercilessly herself, breaking pieces of wood on my body as she did so.  Or she would have my father beat me bloody for her while she stood behind him watching with a cold eye.

In therapy I learned my father was probably an untreated bipolar who was manipulated by my mother, who was probably had an untreated case of borderline personality disorder.  That was a really useful insight to me  It explained the madness of my life with them as they moved from one combat zone to another overseas until the last country they moved had enough of them and deported them.

My mother's birthday was this week, October 4.  I was very mindful of my grief as that day came and went, and ready to ask for DS PTSD support to get through it as a traumatic anniversary for me.  My mother never stopped trying to beat me even when she was in her 80s, so the day is quite sad for me, a son who always tried to love her to the end.

My issues with my mother led to issues in my marriages resulting in two divorces and my current decision to stop dating as an adult, so the aftermath is ongoing.  Yet, this October 4th I found myself not to be as affected by my PTSD fight/flight/freeze response as my mother's birth date rolled around. 

I wanted to thank everybody here at DS PTSD for supporting me over my 6 years here to make that happen.  Thank you for letting me talk about abuse from a mother.  "Mom and apple pie" are two untouchable topics for criticism out there in the society we live in today.  So for you to grant me permission to find my voice to speak my truth, all of it including the sad story of my mom, is something I am truly grateful for.  

Next year, who knows?  I might need your help before her birthday on Oct. 4th to get me through.  Grief is funny that way, it fluctuates.  But I do know for certain it's a step forward for me in my PTSD recovery for me to get through this one this year as I have, and I have you all to thank for it.

Gracias.