Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Hello all,
I have come to this board to get some insight, hopefully, into what a loved one is going through at the moment and whether I have any hope for salvaging the relationship. I'll try not to make this too long, but I apologize if it drags on.
My daughter's father was in Iraq in 2005-2006. He returned with PTSD and TBI. He was in a bad way for a long time, but has been making progress for about the last 3 years. He still has flashbacks and bad dreams, and has his depressive episodes. I refer to him as my daughter's father because we're not together, but we're very good friends and spend a good deal of time together.
The last few weeks he's seemed to be doing really well. He just got into a new rental home which is beautiful. He wanted to get me on his bank account to help him control his money. He was making plans and getting on track.
Last night my daughter was going to spend her first night with him in the new house. She has an overactive imagination and got herself into a mindset of being scared to sleep in her room and wanted to sleep in the living room with him until she was used to the house (he's been sleeping on the couch as he doesn't have a mattress yet). He said ok, and told her to wake him up if she was scared. She woke him up and he started yelling at her. She's very sensitive, so she started to cry. He called her horrible things, told her she's spoiled and only cares about herself, etc. She's 10. He brought her over to my house at 1 AM and told her to get out of his fucking car. He then told me he was finding new homes for her pets tomorrow, which devastated her. He gave in to letting her have her dog and her snake, but I guess the bunny goes. He says she doesn't deserve anything. His texts to me have been heartbreaking, the he's dead to her and he will not have a child who acts the way she does. I admit that she's spoiled and gets upset when she doesn't get her way sometimes. But I think he overreacted in a huge way.
All of this happened just hours after the three of us had dinner together and he told me he just wanted to take care of his children and hang out with me, not get involved with any women due to the drama they inevitably bring into his life. He also called his mother and mentioned that without me and our child, he probably wouldn't be here. Now he's not only cutting her out, he's cutting me out too. All I've done is help him and support him the best I can, especially the last few months when he was evicted and stayed with me until he could move into his place.
I know there are setbacks with PTSD, but this was such a complete 180 from where he was just hours ago. I have my own depression that I have to manage, and this makes my situation more difficult as well.
I guess what I'm here for is to ask what could have happened. How did he go from loving, playful father to practically disowning his daughter and cutting me off in such a short time? It's like when he fell asleep, the second she woke him up a switch flipped. I should add that he does drink a lot, primarily to go to sleep. His drink of choice is whiskey, but someone gave him some rum which he usually doesn't drink. Could that be a factor as well? This ended up long...but any input would be very appreciated.
I have come to this board to get some insight, hopefully, into what a loved one is going through at the moment and whether I have any hope for salvaging the relationship. I'll try not to make this too long, but I apologize if it drags on.
My daughter's father was in Iraq in 2005-2006. He returned with PTSD and TBI. He was in a bad way for a long time, but has been making progress for about the last 3 years. He still has flashbacks and bad dreams, and has his depressive episodes. I refer to him as my daughter's father because we're not together, but we're very good friends and spend a good deal of time together.
The last few weeks he's seemed to be doing really well. He just got into a new rental home which is beautiful. He wanted to get me on his bank account to help him control his money. He was making plans and getting on track.
Last night my daughter was going to spend her first night with him in the new house. She has an overactive imagination and got herself into a mindset of being scared to sleep in her room and wanted to sleep in the living room with him until she was used to the house (he's been sleeping on the couch as he doesn't have a mattress yet). He said ok, and told her to wake him up if she was scared. She woke him up and he started yelling at her. She's very sensitive, so she started to cry. He called her horrible things, told her she's spoiled and only cares about herself, etc. She's 10. He brought her over to my house at 1 AM and told her to get out of his fucking car. He then told me he was finding new homes for her pets tomorrow, which devastated her. He gave in to letting her have her dog and her snake, but I guess the bunny goes. He says she doesn't deserve anything. His texts to me have been heartbreaking, the he's dead to her and he will not have a child who acts the way she does. I admit that she's spoiled and gets upset when she doesn't get her way sometimes. But I think he overreacted in a huge way.
All of this happened just hours after the three of us had dinner together and he told me he just wanted to take care of his children and hang out with me, not get involved with any women due to the drama they inevitably bring into his life. He also called his mother and mentioned that without me and our child, he probably wouldn't be here. Now he's not only cutting her out, he's cutting me out too. All I've done is help him and support him the best I can, especially the last few months when he was evicted and stayed with me until he could move into his place.
I know there are setbacks with PTSD, but this was such a complete 180 from where he was just hours ago. I have my own depression that I have to manage, and this makes my situation more difficult as well.
I guess what I'm here for is to ask what could have happened. How did he go from loving, playful father to practically disowning his daughter and cutting me off in such a short time? It's like when he fell asleep, the second she woke him up a switch flipped. I should add that he does drink a lot, primarily to go to sleep. His drink of choice is whiskey, but someone gave him some rum which he usually doesn't drink. Could that be a factor as well? This ended up long...but any input would be very appreciated.
Your daughter is at stake here.
PTSD does not necessarily comes with an abusive personality/
If he drinks to cope with it. He is obviously not recovering. He is self-medicating and self-destructing.
Yes we who have PTSD have a lot of anger issues (a lot of us) but taking that anger on a 10 year old???
He doesn't sound like he is in recovery. He sounds abusive to the max and dangerous.
I would protect my child first of all PTSD or not.
He needs help. Help that you can not provide. I agree with Tusitalo that you need to keep your daughter and yourself safe first and foremost. I pray he finds the help he needs to recover.
I also hope that you and your daughter will also find the help you need to recover from what he has done to you. Even if this was one episode with him and your daughter, it can have lasting effects on her. She is 10. Please find her help now before this festers for too long.
As for alcohol...it's a dangerous drug to add to the mix. Is there a difference between whiskey and rum? There may be in his body. The men in my family can not drink hard alcohol or they become violent. Wine and beer are fine but whiskey or rum...no way.
Please don't let the label of PTSD be an excuse for him to abuse you and your daughter any longer.
I can sort of understand all positions in your dilemma more or less. My father is mentally ill (Bipolar) and extremely psychologically abusive, I've got an 11yo half-sister and PTSD myself (from all sorts of crap, don't know if it's partially my father's fault as well).
You probably don't need to be told this but your daughter, her safety both physical and emotional, is your first priority.
As I've seen with myself and my sister, she's in a very difficult position for a child. On one hand she's hurt, but on the other she still loves her father and she'll probably still want contact with him. My father said horrible things to me and manipulated me into doing whatever he wanted by threatening to commit suicide or harm people I love (he still tries it today, but I don't buy his shit anymore) as long as I remember, but at that age I still loved him and wanted him to be happy.
With my sister he was never quite as bad as with me (no idea why, but I won't look a gift-house in the mouth), but he uses her to manipulate me. The more I avoid him, the worse he is towards her (yes, he's a c*nt), so I have to talk to him to prevent that and shield her from the worst of it.
I wish I could protect her from him, make sure he never even thinks about contacting her again, but I can't. Also, my sister still loves our father and wants contact, even though he hurts her sometimes, so all I can do is be there for her, support her and make sure she doesn't believe his bullshit and knows that I love her.
Then there's the matter of my own PTSD. My sister doesn't know about it as so far I wasn't necessary to tell her. I have my bad days (though probably never as bad as your ex's) but I make sure I stay away from her then. I could never hurt my sister.
To let himself go in the way he did in front of your daughter is unforgivable. Having a mental illness is no excuse for being a nasty piece of shit. Yes, PTSD is a pain in the arse. It messes with every molecule of your life and can make you feel horrible, but still, he had no right to do that.
I reckon the first thing you should do is talk to your daughter, explain to her that he's sick, that he probably didn't mean it but make sure she knows that it was wrong (there needs to be a much stronger word for this!) of him to act like this.
The drinking is bad. Really bad. I guess he's not in therapy then? Make him get help. Tell him you won't let him see his daughter again unless he does and be prepared to follow through on this.
If he gets better and him and your daughter want to see each other, do it on neutral ground and be there the whole time, but only if you know he's really putting effort into getting his life back on track.
I am neither in therapy nor on meds, as I am fully functional and despite everything my case isn't that severe. But he sounds like he really needs it. From what I've heard they can help a lot.
There's a chance that he's in denial, if so don't let him near your daughter, my mother made that mistake. Not until he sees reason and gets help.
I am really sorry that you're in this situation, I know how much this sucks. I hope I could help you, if you've got any questions, just ask, either here or you PM me.
I wish you and your daughter the best.
This is tearing me apart, I don't want my daughter to lose her dad, and I don't want to lose my best friend.
And her pets stays he can leave.
His has severely abusive behavior.