I was born and raised in the USA until my missionary parents took me to where they served in a war zone in South America.  That made me bilingual and bicultural forever after that, in addition to giving me the gift of PTSD from age 9 when we all survived a carbombing in one of South America's funny, dirty little wars nobody up here every heard about.

I made the most of that funny, dirty little background of mine by getting a doctorate and from 1988 on having a 12 year career as a Spanish professor first.  Then when democracy returned to South America, peace restored, I went back to grad school in 2000 and became a hospital chaplain in 2 USA big city ER's to use that PTSD of mine meeting front line North America trauma patients at the ER door.  As long as in 1995 I'd gotten diagnosed with CPTSD, the kind that's for life because trauma over years was mixed with child brain development, I was going to make it pay.

You all know the rest.  Kidney disease took my 2nd career from me in 2011, so my third act in life has been to teach psychology classes on death and dying to community college nursing students.  Kidney disease didn't just take my hospital chaplaincy career to give me death and dying teaching in exchange.  Kidney disease also took away all of my PTSD meds--all antidepressants, antianxiety pills, everything I'd taken since 1995.  

When I went cold turkey into withdrawal from them and feared I'd lose my battle with PTSD without meds and teaching death classes on top of that, I came here.  I made a commitment to be as compliant with coming here every day as I'd been compliant with my meds.  

For 4 years I didn't get to take a single psyc med, but coming here kept me steady as meds somehow.  I got tenure teaching my psyc of death classes, too.  Then a new pill for PTSD nightmares came out that was processed by the liver, not the kidneys, and I was allowed some medication relief again, at least at night.

Kidney disease is progressive, though.  Though I'm early stage 4 of 5 (5 being transplant or death), I've fending off dialysis by keeping to a strict diet and health regimen.  I haven't  been able to stop the nerve damage that happens when you only have 40% of kidney function.  60% of your blood isn't filtered, so as they lack oxygen, nerves in the extremities die.  The pain is called neuropathy.  It's like electric shock, fire, and a sharp exposed toothache nerve all at once, but in your feet or hands.

This week I've been having sharp neuropathy pain day and night for 3 days now in my left foot so bad that even with my cane I have trouble walking.  That's unfortunate, because tomorrow I've got a plane ticket to go to Mexico.

It's become obvious to my kidney doctor and my psychiatrist both that I'm not going to be able to keep high functioning indefinitely, that slowed but surely I'm losing this fight.  To keep my hopes up, we've begun to target my holding on, instead of until full retirement, until early retirement at 62.  

I just turned 59, so the countdown has 3 years to go now.  It's what we talk about now at every single appointment with my psychiatrist; he insists on making the details of the planning our therapeutic business because it keeps my hopes up as my nerves continue to die.  Mexico's the choice for me because retiring at 62 will sacrifice some Social Security retirement income and knock some working years off of my workplace contributions to my private pension.  It's cheaper and I have Spanish, so that's the deal.

The deal's between my psychiatrist and me.  He doesn't speak Spanish, but he's going to retire in Panama if I will retire in Mexico.  He's already flown to Panama this year, picked his retirement spot out, and even gotten his resident visa, his Panamanian green card.  So tomorrow it's my turn as I fly to Mexico to pick out my place to land next in 3 years, and to get my visa process going.  Yes, my city in Mexico is safe from the drug cartels at the other end of the country by the US border.  It's in a lovely city high in the mountains near Guatemala.

This will be my third time visiting there this year as I scout a place to buy or rent and where to do volunteer work and a place to worship--all of the elements to transition into retirement there, looking for a last place to land.   But this time I will be going in the midst of a major kidney disease neuropathy episode.  I've never done that before.  Since I don't have family, nor a spouse or a partner, I do the whole thing alone, too.

These episodes make me vulnerable to more PTSD flashbacks and fear than usual.  So I'd just like for everyone to know that I'll be on the road in Mexico for the next 2 weeks.  I'll try to log on every day like I always have for the past 5 years now, whether on vacation or not.  If I don't, though, don't worry but do please send me good thoughts, because as I write this I'm having burning neuropathy and nerve spasms that are hurting and shaking me up a bit.  

In the morning, I drive myself to the airport, park the car, and chase a couples of flight changes on my cane on unsteady painful legs.  I'm not going to click the "I am having a crisis" box here tonight because I've known this was coming for 3 days now during this neuropathy episode.  Not sleeping well during the night because the nerve damage is so raw, though, my PTSD symptoms are on the rise, so your support is very welcome, y'all.