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As I've previously said, I've been in California for a few months, helping my mother to "rebuild," after a 3/2012 neighbor's condo fire thrashed her house and life.
It's been a very difficult trip for me.
Let's flash back (pun ?) a few decades, though, to one of my EARLY traumas.
I was serially molested by my oldest brother, while I was in grade school.
I repressed those memories for years.
Flashing forward to a bit over a decade ago ... I needed a place to "live" (really: park my motorhome, and plug it in), while I pursued the answers to my life-long medical challenges. I was disabled, but hadn't prevailed with Social Security, so ... I was going broke.
In many ways, what my brother and sister-in-law did, during my 1.5 year stay in their yard, would be considered torture. In every way, it would be considered serial and repeated trauma.
This weekend, my mother wanted to see my brother and sister-in-law's son; my nephew. Good kid. Nearly 13.
He stayed with us, and ... on Sunday ... we were bringing him back (half-way) home. Actually, a pre-arranged meeting place, where his parents would pick him up.
I, of course, would be "hiding" at a nearby coffee shop ;-)
Over the weekend his parents went online, and checked his school grades. Bad grades.
Each parent (one was traveling on business) phoned my nephew, and read him the riot act. He was miserable and frightened.
On the way home, my mother and I were asking him what happens when he gets in trouble.
He told us that his father, often, would stand him outside, in the dark and cold, and spray him with a garden hose.
"You mean he hoses you down, when you get really dirty ?" I asked.
"No. I mean he just makes me stand there while he sprays me with water, and then makes me stand outside, in the dark and cold."
My mother is considered a "Mandated Reporter," and used that term, after hearing what her grandson said.
But she was unwilling to accept that this COULD be true.
Not me. I knew it COULD be true. I simply didn't know whether or not it WAS true.
I called my uncle (Great Uncle to my nephew), who's close to the boy.
My uncle told me that the boy often does lie, and that his parents would NEVER do anything like this, but that -- even if they DID -- there must be more to the story; some "good reason."
Then, my Uncle told me that I "needed to try to stop fixing the world ... to make everybody else 'be better people,'" adding, "look how well that's worked out for YOU [me], in the past."
My brother -- more than a bit ironically -- is a teacher ... AT his son's school.
Do kids lie ? Sure.
Could my nephew be lying ? Ayup. He could.
But what DO we do with this information ?
And ... I don't know about you, but ... along with everything else ... I'm really stinging from the notion that ... saving myself from continuous and ongoing harm ... is really the same as "trying to fix the world."
I've just tried to save myself from harm, whenever I could. When you're disabled, fleeing is often NOT a viable option.
I'm about thoroughly convinced that there's NOTHING I CAN do with what my nephew said to my mother and me, and that there's nothing anybody else will do about it, either.
Though my nephew lying about this would be a very bad thing, if he's NOT lying ... well ... we all know how much worse THAT would be.
I'm planning to leave California at the end of the month, and planning to fly to Central America in late March.
None of those dates ... can get here quickly enough ;-)
Thanks for listening......
It's been a very difficult trip for me.
Let's flash back (pun ?) a few decades, though, to one of my EARLY traumas.
I was serially molested by my oldest brother, while I was in grade school.
I repressed those memories for years.
Flashing forward to a bit over a decade ago ... I needed a place to "live" (really: park my motorhome, and plug it in), while I pursued the answers to my life-long medical challenges. I was disabled, but hadn't prevailed with Social Security, so ... I was going broke.
In many ways, what my brother and sister-in-law did, during my 1.5 year stay in their yard, would be considered torture. In every way, it would be considered serial and repeated trauma.
This weekend, my mother wanted to see my brother and sister-in-law's son; my nephew. Good kid. Nearly 13.
He stayed with us, and ... on Sunday ... we were bringing him back (half-way) home. Actually, a pre-arranged meeting place, where his parents would pick him up.
I, of course, would be "hiding" at a nearby coffee shop ;-)
Over the weekend his parents went online, and checked his school grades. Bad grades.
Each parent (one was traveling on business) phoned my nephew, and read him the riot act. He was miserable and frightened.
On the way home, my mother and I were asking him what happens when he gets in trouble.
He told us that his father, often, would stand him outside, in the dark and cold, and spray him with a garden hose.
"You mean he hoses you down, when you get really dirty ?" I asked.
"No. I mean he just makes me stand there while he sprays me with water, and then makes me stand outside, in the dark and cold."
My mother is considered a "Mandated Reporter," and used that term, after hearing what her grandson said.
But she was unwilling to accept that this COULD be true.
Not me. I knew it COULD be true. I simply didn't know whether or not it WAS true.
I called my uncle (Great Uncle to my nephew), who's close to the boy.
My uncle told me that the boy often does lie, and that his parents would NEVER do anything like this, but that -- even if they DID -- there must be more to the story; some "good reason."
Then, my Uncle told me that I "needed to try to stop fixing the world ... to make everybody else 'be better people,'" adding, "look how well that's worked out for YOU [me], in the past."
My brother -- more than a bit ironically -- is a teacher ... AT his son's school.
Do kids lie ? Sure.
Could my nephew be lying ? Ayup. He could.
But what DO we do with this information ?
And ... I don't know about you, but ... along with everything else ... I'm really stinging from the notion that ... saving myself from continuous and ongoing harm ... is really the same as "trying to fix the world."
I've just tried to save myself from harm, whenever I could. When you're disabled, fleeing is often NOT a viable option.
I'm about thoroughly convinced that there's NOTHING I CAN do with what my nephew said to my mother and me, and that there's nothing anybody else will do about it, either.
Though my nephew lying about this would be a very bad thing, if he's NOT lying ... well ... we all know how much worse THAT would be.
I'm planning to leave California at the end of the month, and planning to fly to Central America in late March.
None of those dates ... can get here quickly enough ;-)
Thanks for listening......
Sure you need more evidence before you can act. But simply dismissing what a child says because an adult contradicts...that sounds like taking the easy way out, doesn't it?
I know you would do the right thing, and I agree that without more evidence there's not much you can do.
I also agree that the "trying to fix the world" comment is a way of deflecting and covering up. It's what we used to call a "cop-out".
I lied as a kid when I didn't feel safe and didn't know how to communicate my actual experience... That people wouldn't understand and think I was crazy... I wanted to feel safe sharing crazy thoughts... Instead I disowned a large part of who I was and lied to everyone. True honesty is a learning process, but I'm digressing sorry.
CPS has to investigate ambiguous cases all the time and decipher truth, it goes with the job.
Sounds like your concerned and exploring how to handle it.
If you make the call it can't further disrupt stuff w/ you and your brother- nothing left to disrupt, and it will avoid their wrath descending on your mom.
Just my opinion.
Can understand your relief at your upcoming departure.
Richie and John: very sage words ... for which I'm truly grateful.
I probably wasn't "married to the truth," in MY youth, but ... looking back ... I never told THIS kind of lie ... if it IS a lie.
I lied to self-aggrandize, or to avoid consequences, but it's my sense that adolescents, now, tend to appreciate the implications of a false accusation of physical abuse.
Meaning: if it's a lie, then it's a whopper !
Letitbe:
"If his parents are evoking fear in him about grades, well sorry but fear interferes w/ someone's ability to learn and remember."
That was a much better characterization of one of my 'incidental' feelings: either way, there's something really awry, here.
I've known a handful of kids (of my friends and family) who -- ridden too hard -- started showing serious fracture lines, of one sort or another.
And his parents -- with as much objectivity as I can muster -- are incredibly controlling people.
Jen: Ahhh, Jen. You've "been there and done that" altogether too much, haven't you ? Mileage. I tend to think I've got mileage, too.
Mileage may be overrated ;-)
I like your plan. I like your analysis. I like the fact that YOU ... DID throw that proverbial grenade (Major kudos for you for doing so. Those decisions may be 'simple,' but they are very rarely 'easy.')
And my decision ... is fairly straightforward, but fraught with incredible complexity -- the timing of which would BE made easier if it were a "depth charge," set to go off when *I* reach 37,000 feet.
But huge decisions ... when they can ... should be made after a fair amount of thought, consideration, and contemplation -- something I now need to do.
"Freedom's just another word for ... nothing left to lose." Do I buy that ? Could I do that ? Not quite sure.
I'm looking at the practicalities and possibilities of leaving the west coast MUCH sooner than planned -- probably leaving Mom in a fair number of small lurches, in the process.
I can't un-hear this, though, and ... no matter what I do or do NOT do ... it has hit me like a massive trigger.
I never believed I could save the world, make other people be better people, etc., etc. But ... this one kid ... he's my nephew. My only nephew. And I know too damned much ;-)
Thanks, all. I'll keep you posted. Big hugs to you.....
We may not wish to find the proverbial "skeleton in the closet", but if we are humans of good conscience, once we've opened that door, we can't pretend we didn't see it.
The options you are confronted with all involve trade offs, but I think you may find a partially successful way to set that "depth charge". It is wonderful that you care so much about your nephew that you are unlikely willing to turn a blind eye.
Mine are simple sadists. They like to hurt people. My mother, my father, my sister, some aunts, uncles, and cousins, too. It works for them. They feed off of hurting others, they savor the last time they did it, the brag to each other about how they got away with it, and they salivate in expectation of the next time they'll get the chance to do it again.
It's all they really talk about. The power to hurt spiritually, sexually, professionally, and personally is the center of their world. It's what everything revolves around for them. They are completely committed to it in life and lifestyle. Hurting others is even sacred to them.
I learned this by listening for 10 years, rarely arguing back, not judging. Trying to adapt to the truth as it built up its pattern brick by brick for a decade.
Then the jury was in. One Christmas what I saw them do to an innocent among them was too brutal. The verdict was in: guilty.
The fact that the innocent that Christmas was me is not the point. It's that it was undeniable. My mother told lies behind peoples' backs that started ugly family fights. My father punched me in the face at Christmas. My sister abused her kids. In her absence, I babysat them one evening over the holidays and caught the kids abusing each other in turn. It was sick.
It's embarrassing to me, to say the least, to know this about my own flesh and blood. But it's the truth, and I said I was an adult and the truth is what I wanted. So I have no reason to whine.
Needless to say, I moved on from my family of sadists and live in safety and peace. Knowing the truth is important; acting in accordance with it is important, too.
Blessings on your next move, David. Enjoy Central America. I grew up down there. Growing up was hard with a family of sadists, but growing up in Latin America was beautiful.
[and I say that knowing that you're ordained clergy]
One thing about this site, and SO many of its members, is that there are some really phenomenal writers among us.
Which is a shame, because ... what you wrote, in the way in which you wrote it ... raised goose bumps over every bit of my body.
Meaning: our stories can be dramatically intensified through the "gift" of good writing.
So ... Why ??
Did you ever come to any conclusion about ... why these people -- YOUR people -- ARE the way they are, or ... was that fact -- that cold, hard, intensely painful fact -- more than enough ?
This brother of mine is really the only one in my nuclear or extended family to whom I'd ascribe sociopathic/narcissistic/sadistic tendencies.
But ... one's plenty, no ?
And that's the stock in trade for the BULK of YOUR family ??
Just ... Wow.
Thanks again for the well-wishes on my travels.
When I head back home (to my little hotel room), I've got about 3wks of prep time, prior to the tentative departure date. This afternoon, I crammed that three weeks full of counseling sessions.
I'm going to cram as much metaphorical "good" into my backpack as I can. Maybe not quite so much of the "bad" will travel with me if I box it out ;-)
I hope you're back to (your) 100% after your procedure. I hope the cause of any bleeding has been found, and is a polyp or a diverticula, or something annoying, but non-threatening.
And ... as always ... I wish you peace, health, and strength.