Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I’m not sure what’s wrong. Is it possible to feel lonely....just alone in my feelings? I think I don’t like pretending I’m okay when I’m not. No, I know I don’t like that. That was my childhood. Despite what was going on under their nose, at school or anywhere else, children should be seen and not heard, grin and bear it, if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. I kept silent. It was a perfect storm. Everything was always fine at the end of the day. We were both always loved and accepted regardless of what happened and no matter what we both were expected at the dinner table. Peace. No complaints. I wasn’t allowed to be angry. I wasn’t allowed to be hurt. I wasn’t allowed to be scared. Now I have this new trauma that’s behind me - as much as being out of the house puts it behind me. And my parents know I left and that he has problems he’s not willing to face bc that’s all that’s safe to tell them. My mother adds flare to everything and takes on everything as if it’s hers. It’s her pain not the person who’s actually hurt. She literally made a huge deal over spilt milk this week....more often than not, whatever happens is the worst thing ever. So they know nothing. But Mom acts like she knows all. Kids went with dad today even though they’re still recovering and still contagious. She says, in front of them! that she hopes they give him a bunch of slobbery kisses! She says things often that indicate she’s mad. I’m not mad at him. I feel incredibly sorry for him. I see his own past in his problems and his inability to face it says how much it hurts. I’m hurt. I’m devastated. I’m rebuilding emotionally, mentally, and financially. I’m a little lost and confused but I don’t hate him. I get mad at him when he doesn’t feed the kids enough or something but I don’t hate him. I’ll never say anything bad about him in front of them. He’s their Dad. He made mistakes. They were big ugly mistakes that damaged my ability to function in relationships - I held back tears having a conversation with someone a few weeks ago. Someone I barely knew. They were not being cruel. I’m just that emotional, so I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t know how to deal with things and it feels like I should know. I’m in my thirties. I’ve been here before. But instead of knowing what to do I am frozen and feeling the past all over again. I’ve been isolating a lot. I’m not saying I’m back for good but I’m back for now. At my worst, I never know what to say. So I know today at least I’m not at my worst.
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... observed a solar eclipse.
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Mornings or Nights?*You can’t say both (or neither), or add stipulations, or make substitutions- just commit and pick one of the two choices!
Everyone loves kids...well not everyone, but some...but from a distance. Actually pitching in and helping out...even in the smallest of ways...just very seldom happened.
It's not easy...I wish you all the best.
Finding ways to be honest about how I am doing without falling into hopeless melodrama ranks pretty high on my strictly personal recovery road.
Continued support while you find what works for you, Marah. Keep sorting. Your own answers are in there.
Luck and healing luck to you....
I wrote on Arfie's post about not knowing who to trust about an unbiased opinion, well seeing my mother with my kids...I suddenly saw that not only wasn't I "not making it all up" about my mother. But that I had WAY diminished it.
If my mother had said that stuff to a child in childcare, she'd have been fired before lunch.
Breaking the cycle...is hard pioneering work. You will probably make plenty of mistakes along the way, but give yourself a HUGE amount of credit.
I was so used to having my feelings ignored that it carried on to extremes outside of the home. I went to summer camp that year when I was 9 and broke my leg on a hike. I hobbled around on my broken leg all day until a camp counselor spotted me and took me to the ER to get a cast put on. Then I still didn't call home to tell them, because what was the use?
It made me learn the difference between solitude and loneliness. Solitude is very full of life to me, rarely lonely, I keep myself good company, having learned in that bedroom over the garage as a kid. To me, the greatest loneliness was being lonely with others all around me.
You say that your relationship with your parents is too complicated for you to try to resolve while you're there and I agree. My parents weren't bad people, either, they were also just confused and set in their ways, as you say of yours. They remained set in their ways for the rest of their lives.
Pretending everything’s fine when it isnt is a terrible concept and one that was bequeathed to us by our parents’ generation.
It is so common for people like ourselves with our background to feel that we should “know better by now” but the fact is we ventured forth into the world in a very vulnerable state and we were also bankrupt because we had no coping methods and were still under the influence of oppressive and repressive parental influence.
Isolating has been given a bad rap but it is my personal opinion that there's nothing wrong with it and that it serves a function in our lives of helping us recuperate and recover from life itself.
You are a very articulate person and this is going to serve you well as you move forward slowly, taking care of yourself every inch of the way and, when it’s safe, sharing your story with others.
Please use caution when selecting people to confide in on a one-to-one basis ... trying to get emphathy from the wrong person, who doesnt have it to give, is an extremely painful experience. Trust your gut on this.