Please talk to your therapist before making any life changing decisions. You may be feeling that where you are at is not healthy only because your mind is tricking you to do what subconsciously you already want to do and that is to leave.
As a survivor I have to wonder if this has to do with your trauma. When things get tough and scary we want to run. Self preservation at all cost.
Maybe you should try something I do quite a bit. I get a sheet of paper and put pro in one column and con in the other. Then I list everything I can think of regarding the situation. If there are more pro I would leave, more con then I would stay. Alot of times this works because I know I am making a decision based on logic and not my mixed up emotions which can mislead me.

Exactly. I moved up here more to get away from the situation there, not to be here. At the time, I had 2 people leeching from me that needed to start taking care of themselves, and a house I could barely afford to keep. It was definately time to move on, but one of the other choices would have suited me better - but the PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. made it difficult to see the choices clearly and choose accordingly.

I don't want to make that mistake again, but the emotions are pushing me and I need to nip that in the bud before I do something else dramatic that I am going to regret as much as I regret this move.

Thanks!

I do make lists, by the way, and they do seem to help - but they do not calm me down.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to a therapist or counselor first before making such a big decisions again which could make things even harder for you. Esp in this economic issues we've been having. HUGS I hope this new yr goes better for you and you can make some healthy and wise decisions.

Again - exactly. I need to get this UNDER CONTROL before I do something drastic. The urge to run is with me most of the time, but the doctor has given me anti-anxiety meds and I'm working with the therapist to deal wtih the PTSD so that that never happens again.

I did the dramatic when I left my parents house; I did the dramatic when I left my husband; I did the dramatic after my parents recovered from their car accident; and I did the dramatic when I moved up here. I cannot do it again. I need this under control, and really need to be calm - actually make a decision based upon what I want rather than what I do not.

Well the good thing is that you see the pattern in your behavior and are taking a stand to try to resist it so that you make decisions based on what is good for you.

But it might be helpful not to see your current situation as a part of a long string of bad decisions or even bad luck. Your dramatic moves were efforts to deal with untenable situations. It seems that they did not pan out the way you would have liked, but it is not your fault. Any one of those choices might have worked out swimmingly.

I made a couple of choices about a decade back that were based on trying to deal with the pain and injury from my childhood, pain and injury that crippled me, but that were not acknowledged by any family members. And it had even reached the point where my then-husband, who was basically a nice guy, had been co-opted by my family's point of view, and saw me as Jan, the defective one. And he started to use me in the way that my family had. He wasn't flat out abusive, but if he could focus on my emotion issues and my pain and see me as the defective one, it was a distraction from his pain and his issues. And after years of being the family superfund site where everyone dumped their issues, I could not handle this. When he refused to acknowledge his share of the problem, even after seeing two therapists, I finally left. It was very painful.

Then I got involved with a slick and charming monster, and the next seven years were increasingly stressful, cumulating (Is that a word? You know what I mean though, right?) in an incident of abuse that came within a molecule of destroying me.

So much of my pain in healing has been wrapped up in the what if's. What if I hadn't done this, what if I had done that. I felt ashamed of my choices. I felt all those old family labels stick to my bones.

Friends, the real friends I had, the insightful ones, tried to tell me I had not been irresponsible, but rather courageous and that I had been trying very hard to do something positive. Even my ex-husband, who remains a dear friend, has said this.

I could shake off that guilt, that horrible feeling of shame, a lot of the time, but not all the time. It was difficult stuff. It is like a toxic stain that got into my very bones due to all those formative childhood years of emotional abuse and manipulation.

So I decided on making a change in my perception, something of a paradigm shift! I decided that how I got where I am is rather irrelevant. The point is I am where I am. All that really matters is the now. Yeah, it is useful to have some understanding of the past in order to avoid repeating past mistakes. But if I carry that heavy burden, that gruesome load of guilt, guilt I was conditioned to carry, with me, I will never get anywhere. It is like trying to run to while dragging a half dozen dead bodies on a sheet. I have to let go of it all.

In hindsight, I can tell you half a hundred things I would have done differently, everything from relatively recent stuff, like not getting involved with the monster to old childhood stuff about how I would have handled my parents. Yeah, stick my adult mind back in the past in my childhood body and I would not have that needy but natural desire to have a connection to my parents. I would have emotional barriers the size of the great wall of China in place. I would still suffer at their hands, but I wouldn't be pouring all my energies into playing their games. I would have focused on my schoolwork, all the better to get the flying fuck out of there as soon as possible.

But you can't go back in time. Thinking "If I had known then, what I knew now" might be a common thing, but it is meaningless in terms of the real world.

I am sure you made all your decisions based on what you understood at the time. Yeah, in retrospect, you might have done something different. But EVEN Buddha admitted, when he finally returned to his family after years of being away, that he could have found enlightenment at home. He didn't have to slip away in the middle of the night, leaving his wife and child. Even Buddha! And he only admitted that after his wife called him on the carpet about it.

And if someone who had the capacity to actually find enlightenment could make a blunder like that, who are we to beat on ourselves about it? I'm sure there were times, wandering the world, trying to figure out how to deal with the reality of pain and death, that he wished he had never left his comfort zone. But if that was all he focused on, he would have never made the discoveries that he did. And if, once he got back, all he did was beat up on himself, he wouldn't have been able to become the Buddha, the teacher that he was.

You and me, we aren't saints. We're just folks. We need to cut ourselves some slack from the past and move forward. Think of our lives in terms of "From this point forward." Realize that while the past has use as a reference point, it is not something we need to drag along in the form of a super-huge deeeeluxe set of matching Samsonite luggage, ya know?

I'm a crab and a snob. I can't abide tacky coffee mugs with inspirational sayings on them, or posters of dangling kittens with mottoes like HANG IN THERE BABY. (I prefer this sort of thing: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dantekgeek/522563155/ which simply affirms my geek cred.)

But that said, today IS the first day of the rest of your life. And happy New Year.

Also realize that a huge number of people are in crisis now. Businesses are tanking right and left, and not just small ones. Many people are losing their jobs and homes. You are not alone. In some small way, you and I and all the people here with PTSD have an advantage in these coming hard times. We know what it is to operate without a feeling of stability.

You need to know that stability is all an illusion. There's no point in hanging on to the edge of the cliff. The cliff is NOT THERE. We are all always falling, falling, falling. But knowing that, we also have ask ourself what is the difference between falling and flying? It's all in your head.

Yep, yep, there's no ground underneath our feet and it seems super scary. But we keep falling, right, we haven't hit the ground. So make a big paradigm shift. Your life starts from this point forward and if you look back, you sure don't have to hold on to the guilt load and yes yes yes, this is not falling, this is flying. Kind of scary, but also kind of exciting!

culminating

dang. I R a lousy spellerer!

Only words of wisdom I was told in the same situation is, when you are lost or not sure what to do, "Stay put".
Give yourself a chance, you know running away usually doesn't help and just creates a new set of problems.

My plan is to consult with the therapist, get a job, and meet with the social worker to get her to keep me on Mainecare so that I can see the the therapist until I'm a bit more stable. My girl needs to keep meeting with her therapist, as well, so Mainecare is essential.

Next week I have an interview, only the 5th interview I've managed to get in 3 years, and hopefully this will result in a job. I'm going to stay put as long as I am able to, and do my utmost not to panic and run.

I really need to be able to somehow deal with the panic, in the meantime, so that I can actually function. Should I actually become functional, maybe then I can re-examine my living situation and come to a rational decision about it.

Wouldn't rationality be a refreshing change?

Sounds like some good choices I wish you the best of luck with it all and this new yr.

HUGS

I RAN IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE ,I THINK IT WOULD BE EASIER IF I KNEW THE EXACTLY REASON i RAN IN THE FIRST PLACE , REALLY THINK THIS OVER MAKE SURE ALL LOSE ENDS ARE TAKEN CARE OF IT WELL PROBABLY CHANGE BEFORE LONGHUGS MINNINE

I have PTSD. I am new to this awesome site. And what I read in these posts today 'struck home'

I am done with all but one family member, my stepmom, who lives far away. My own children, 26 & 29, are abusive. I'm 56 and disabled. I live in an area where I am barely surviving.

I have searched for places to live for the past year and I am packing now. I will be able to afford a small apartment. I hope to return to school and find a job. But, at times when "triggers" bring me to a 'frozen' state ... I wonder if I will ever be able to work again. Being hypersensitive and crying nonstop is not acceptable in the workplace. I do fear that might happen.

I'm moving to new place, where there are 4 seasons, and the winters are cold. That's okay with me ... the sun shines about 300 days and as long as I know there is sunshine I will be okay.

Now, that I am following through with moving away from abuse, I am filled with hope. Maybe my PDSD will go away. I can hope. Also, I choose to only surround myself with positive, kind and loving people. I have zero tolerance for abuse of any kind.

Janthina, your reply is so right on. Your post makes sense to me. You are an inspiration as is everyone else here.

I'm trying not looking back anymore. I try not to let my mind revist the constant and forever abuse I have taken.

I have made my family aware, "No one in this family is ever going to abuse me in any way, shape or form. Ever. And, unless you can act 100% genuinely kind, do not call me."

I have horrendous anxiety and need to address the issue. I am dependent on Xanax ... not good... and will have to ween myself off ...this scares me. I am looking for a
psychiatrist who will hopefully find me something else to bring me back to normal, which to me means, not 'freezing up' and going to bed and pulling the covers over my head.

Hope and my faith keep me going, one day at a time.

God's peace.

Swandy52, I feel your pain - I really, really do. i went through 14 years of counseling only to be treated for the depression and not the anxiety. With PTSD, the anxiety is the key, I think, because it is that that makes you want to run and hide, or simply freeze up.

I've found that when confronted with an abusive situation I freeze - I completely do not know what to say to make it stop and I have no words to answer with. The worst, I think, is that the trigger can be anything, and once triggerred, the smallest things will make me so anxious that I cannot deal with situations properly; I can't think; I can't focus; I can't function.

I don't have a psychiatrist - my doctor is helping me. I was lucky enough to find a doctor that doesn't whip out the priscription pad at the first sign that there's a problem. She's helped me to determine which herbs can help with the depression, and listens to me - rare enough in a doctor.

Good luck with the move. I hope that you can find peace! It took alot of strength to tell them all to stop abusing you.

I used to cope by moving. I positioned it (to friends and family) that I was moving onward and upward ... but in all honesty I was just running away. I know that urge, that feeling, to get away and start over. It's a strong urge and I've caved into it many times. Thing is, after a few months all of my old problems came right back. Since changing geographic locations is good only if the problem zip code doesn't reside between your ears (as mine did).

I agree with what has been written before me. Talk to your therapist before making any major life changes. They should be able to help.

Last year I found a great therapist who focuses on trauma and uses EMDR as part of my treatment. It's helped alot. EMDR isn't easy but I highly recommend it as a treatment option that works.

That said, I still have those old feelings pop up from time to time ... but it just seems that I'm better equip to deal with them now. Be honest with your therapist and most of all with yourself. You can get through this.

Oh and one trick I use, when I feel like running, to help me want to stay in my current location. I make changes to it. Rearrange the furnature. Change the cupboards. Do a deep clean, one room at a time. Donate that clutter to a charity. Paint a piece of furnature. Go garage saling on the weekend, find a piece of furnature for $20 or less and then take it home and repurpose it. Make an art piece for your wall ... and then hang it up! You may be surprised at how things just feel better after you make minor changes instead of major ones.

From one "mover" to another ... hang in there!!!

I don't know what EMDR is, but I've talked to my therapist today. I ent on a job interview today, and it went well. I should know by the end of the week if I will be going to the second round of interviews, but there were two good signs from the universe: When I got in my car to pull out there was a volunteer fireman license plate from my town - which means that I have a potential commuting partner, and the second was when I pulled out of the parking lot, the cross street was "Westminster Street", which was the street in my old life that my good job was on.

I don't want to move unless it is to something. That is why I'm here - trying to get your help. Thank you, all, because it is helping me to calm down a bit.

The problem zip code is definately in my head! I like that description, because it really says it all. The problem is also with my family, as swandy52 said, because they are abusers that have no respect for me.

A big step came today, when my daughter had a talk with me regarding some of the "abuse" she's given me over the holidays, and I think we've taken a big step towards discontinuing the behaviour. She has finally admited that I am the girl's "parent", no matter who's house she is currently in, and she should have listened to me when she got into the hour long argument with the girl.

Progress is being made here, and it is partially because of all of you advising me. Thank you so much!