Wow, you have a lot to deal with. I am glad you are in therapy and it will take a while to get well. Try to open your mind and really try to do as they suggest.

I take meds for my PTSD, but they are not miracle drugs for sure. They help a bit and you have to do the rest. Still I could not have comes as far as I have without them. So here do not like meds and that is fine, it is a personal choice. As for what meds are best, you need to discuss that with your doctor. Again there is no PTSD miracle drug. You will must likely have to take a combination of meds that help the symptoms of PTSD, anger, racing thoughts, anxiety etc. Make an appointment with the doctor and he can recommend what meds you can try. Also keep in mind, not all drugs work for all people, so be prepared to try something else. It is a bit of hit and miss until you find something that works for you. Something that allows you to function, yet gives you some relief.

Hope you find some relief soon.

You do have a lot going on. Sorry for all you have been through. It is possible to heal from what has happened to you but, as CrazyCanuk said, meds help but you have to do all the rest. Therapy is very helpful as well and I am happy to see that you are working with someone.

Please keep in mind that 90% of healing work takes place outside the therapists office. And going through the healing process is very difficult because you have to allow yourself to feel the abundance of feelings you have been repressing all these years. That numb feeling you have is very common because we shut off our feelings so we can survive. The healing process will help you start to feel them again and that is very scary.

I am pro-meds as an aid to help people through the healing process. I am against meds when Doctors prescribe them to keep a person numb. From what I've witnessed, keeping a trauma survivor numb does not help them heal. But if meds are given to help take the edge off a very difficult process then I am all for them. No one should have to continue to suffer. It's bad enough we went through the trauma and suffered at that time...we shouldn't have to suffer through the healing as well.

I hope you can find what works for you so you are finally able to heal from your past. You deserve to heal.

Crazy part. . I wrote a short entry to save the read. I really have alot more to deal with.. but if there is no miracle drug, i believe weed is depending on strain effects.. My issues were minor & i connected with the world. Once i got into my legal troubles, i had to take 15 steps back because i had nothing to suppress the inner fire & it became obvious to the outside that a ticking time bomb in me was about to explode. At the time i couldn't smoke or drink. & all i felt was gray area & anger.
How would you guys feel again. i have a beautiful lady that shows me many emotions but for me to really feel them i have to really put my mental guard down, completely vulnerable to everything for her to make me feel the way she does. But currently we going through a long distance "relationship" & ive never found those to work :(.. really don't want to lose her. Old me stopped feeling & went to something new. But she sees more in me than most ever had. So i really don't want to lose her.
90% of it. i have to want to heal. But i don't know what to heal from or to.. almost 18 years . My issues been ignored & for me to ask the question now places a greater weight than it did before.
18 years... from bullies & confrontations, misunderstandings & unsettled situations, cries for help with no response, being left alone to live than learning to cope. It's the hardest thing in my life. I have so much ambition & potential locked away by my mind being so 2 dimensional

I am not sure I am following everything you are saying but I can understand that you have a lot going on, that you have not told us everything (and you are not required to unless you want to) and that you have had multiple traumatic events in your life. If you don't heal one traumatic event the next one does seem to just pile on top of it and make things worse. Many (probably all) of the people here have the same experience of multiple traumas.

I am so happy that you have a girlfriend who understands and is supportive.

You say you don't know what to heal from and I understand this feeling because it can be so overwhelming when there is so much that needs to be healed. I would say first, it is important that you find a place that is safe. Not wanting to be vulnerable and let your guard down is a survival mechanism you used as a child. Hopefully you feel safe with your therapist. If you do not then working towards trusting and feeling safe with him/her I feel is essential if you want to heal your past. Once you do feel safe it will be a little easier to start talking about your past and allowing yourself to become vulnerable (aka cry, feeling the feelings, show the anger, etc) in front of your therapist.

I always say that healing is in the feelings and not in the memories. Memories have a place in healing but the feelings that go along with the memories are what need to be healed. So if you have a memory that makes you feel angry then you need to process the anger. This means you need to release it in a safe way that doesn't hurt you or anyone around you. It is also important that the anger be directed at the person/people you are angry with - but not in person. What I'm talking about is yelling and screaming while focusing on who you are angry with. Punching a pillow while focusing on the person who hurt you. This slowly and safely releases the anger. Once you feel safe with the anger you will be able to feel the rest of the emotions and you will not feel numb any more.

Healing is like peeling an onion. Every layer holds more information. Heal one layer and the next layer appears. This is a slow process but it is one I have found to be worth while.

And there is no time limit for having to go through this process. You are not too old to heal your past. Many of us here did not do any of our healing until we were in our 40's or 50's so it can be done at any age. The only requirement is that you are ready to do the work necessary to heal.

Yea LuckyEmpath, i didnt share everything because i dont feel like it would be beneficial. But ive been ready to get the help i needed, but when i go to the insurance cards and need to talk to my parents about it. They are still on the back burner. they believe their child grew up fine. but they ignored everything about my growth, other than keeping my eye sight up to date. I only have 1 eye to deal with left, so i understand their focus.. but still ignored the actual development of everything else.. It really is alot for me to deal with. A therapist could help me but 30-60mins a week, wont solve anything. The sessions are over by the time my guard is finally down to express how i feel. Sad thing is i need to really learn how to connect with people on a different level than just vibing out a room. Being able to openly have no discomfort about the approach that im giving off. Im not a unfortunate person of looks, but still your eyes is the most looked at, and with 1 doing its own thing, the awkward vibe always applies, which i got used to feeling before even talking to someone. which is probably a hold on my mind believing that someone may be feeling a type of way. but the facial expression is usually the same... My anger issues, have died down. because i've matured mostly from retaliating and lashing out at people. i dont want to hurt anybody, and the reason for my retaliation and anger is always different than what the other person may be fighting me for. which never ends well :(.. I dont want to hurt people, so i really learned how to bottle that fire and keep it tamed while i have been in college.. My next step im going to need my own location, my own place to be able to meditate and medicate myself and get my own self right.. Hopefully soon, hopefully soon.

This is my issue, every post i write.. more comes out and more and more gets frustrating to me and just recirculates and i have to relive those memories and emotions.

Lord i need help..

What you need to heal to?
Be aware of your feelings and feel them without flipping out, also known as distress tolerance.
Know why you feel the way you feel.
Be able to be vulnerable with people, even if this results in getting hurt at times ( it will ).
Be compassionate to yourself and most others.
Have a more centered and less noisy brain.
Being able to adapt more fully.

Something like that...By the way? The prefrontal cortex is still growing until age 25. It is the area of the brain that governs impulse control. Meditation has been shown to help increase gray matter in this area over time. ( the study ran for 6 months)
So your brain is still growing...omega-3 fatty acids in the form of your choice are even more a really good idea.
I found Zoloft less sedating and faster acting than Prozac...whooo, Prozac...Wellbutrin may up anxiety, but it perks you up if that's needed. The SSRI class of drugs does tend to lower sex drive.
With a long distance relationship, that might be a good side effect.

Hi
Finding the right therapist is very important. If you find it difficult to open up to a therapist it might be that it just isn't the right one for you. I have trouble with the clock watching also. My current therapist lets me txt and email whenever I need to communicate with her. She responds as soon as she is able even on weekends. She even bought me pizza for Xmas. However I easily went through 30-40 wrong ones before I found her. It also took like 2 years of trying.

As for meds. It is just as important to find the correct one for you. The psychiatrist will adjust your medications to determine what is best and in what doses. I take the max dose of Wellbutrin that is allowed. Zoloft and a few others did absolutely nothing for me. I have ADHD/ADD also so I take Ritalin. I was taking a high dose of it but the insurance guidelines changed in Sept and my dose was reduced by 20mg. Many drugs that make people drowsy have the opposite effect on me. So I have to be careful about taking anything that will upset the med balance. Antibiotics will negate my Ritalin and cause my insomnia to get worse. If I drink alcohol I get extremely hyper. Like stop climbing on the book shelves hyper. It is important to be honest with your psychiatrist and very few psychotropic meds are fast acting. The process takes time.

As for the emotional numbness. A lot of members have similar experiences. I was a cutter as a teen and still have periods where I go numb physically and mentally. I have difficulty actually I have extreme dufficulty retaining and emotion beyond the moment. I remember planning with my son yesterday and having fun doing it. But today I had no emotional memory of the event. My therapist has me make lists of things I did for enjoyment in the past because right now I don't look forward to doing anything. Nothing gives me enjoyment or excitement. I can't plan for vacations because I don't want to do anything.

Spike, just want to add my welcome. You've already got a lot of good advice here from people I've known for a while now here on DS PTSD who get it. I myself am in lifelong recovery from repeated trauma in 3 categories, childhood molestation, childhood domestic violence, and 6 years in a combat zone. Was carbombed.

Recovery has been complicated for me as I've gone to therapists and support groups that emphasized one category of trauma but not the other. Because I was a civilian, I was in weekly therapy without fail for 12 years before my combat trauma was really addressed.

I took meds all of those years, but it was a therapist in that 12th year who made the difference. Since then it's been 5 years and finally I feel I've made progress. It's slow, but it's in all 3 areas in which I need it. People here understand all 3 and support me no matter which area needs attention.

Meds were an assist for me, but therapy was the key, just speaking for myself and my long delay before making any real progress with PTSD recovery.

That's a ton to cope with, and I can't improve on above replies. Just adding my hopes for you rhealing.