I’m overwhelmed and relieved.

I was not happy with the trajectory of this divorce. It felt like my lawyer told me I needed to admit that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

I have worded some things differently and told her we need to amend our petition for divorce, that I want clear boundaries as to how I expect him to behave and care for the kids when he has them. Big things like no illegal drugs and no convicted felons around them.

 I heard something that would have stung if I weren’t so self aware. Almost twelve years ago exactly my apartment was broken into by a man who thought I was his baby mamma who he had harmful intent towards. I as a great witness in that case. Bold. Strong. Focused on the facts. This lawyer told me I’m a terrible witness. I need to figure out how to find the words to articulate what has happened and why I’m concerned for their safety. I can put a lot of words here but speaking them is a different story. 

And the reason why is because I was not allowed to speak of the awful things I went through growing up. If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. No one taught me feelings or boundaries so I just sat silently and did my best to physically defend myself. And they still want him to be a part of my life. I can’t cope. I don’t even have words with them. Of course I’m broken. Everything was so similar. I need to find a real life human who will listen at my pace, not blame me or talk over me or try to finish sentence or push me to say more when I don’t know how to. I have not found that person. I have changed counselors so much - not really a ton but it feels like I am hesitant to even trust this new and great one because will she stick around? Health issues, maternity leave and then recently one realized she wasn’t the right fit for the help I need. That’s so hard when so many people have been in a position to help and they say they can’t or I realize I can’t afford them. My appointments with S are paid for by the women’s center. I have 18 more left. That’s a LOT! And then next year I will have insurance. That’s good! I need to articulate verbally what I’ve only able to write. My kids future literally depends on it. I can not crumble or freeze or fumble for words when a judge talks to me. 

I want him in their life but under these circumstances. He needs to get the help he needs and then they can be in his life. 

My friend who introduced me to the lawyer is E. I trust E. I’ve known him a long time. We worked together for about five years. E is now my boss. I’m also now a single lady and he’s a husband. He is a kind friend and one of the only humans I know who would never take advantage of me or use anything against me. He’s offered to help, knows so little but because he knows some I was able to ask for help finding a second legal opinion. He’s offered to be an outlet. I don’t really have any - except you guys. My in person support groups are full of people just like me. They don’t want to talk. They’ll text. They don’t honor their word. One was supposed to show up and let my kids play with hers while I met this guy. She’s let me down a few times in this area but never as it involves the kids. I don’t have outlets, but it doesn’t feel appropriate for him to have even offered that let alone for me to accept it. It’s weird working for/with a friend. 

I absolutely need an ear. I’m going to literally just read most of this to my counselor...I’d rather start with her than blur boundaries with a good friend/employer