Arfie, my MIL and I connected.... after more than ten years of marriage to her son on my part. (Until then, I was not addressed by or referred to by name. Fortunately, my huby's sister committed two marital disasters in four years, and I looked a *lot* better after that. *sigh*)....

Anyway---take it as you can, as it comes. Can't do more, and as for Radical Acceptance.... to me, Plain Acceptance is tough enough many times. (As with my ongoing mama drama.) I want to know and understand and so on but... I won't. Ever, possibly. All I can do is offer my support as you limp forward... or in circles. Whichever.

Hugs arfie...early here.
But being one of seven my brothers either married an example of the mother or the total opposite.
When your son (pivot point) brought her into your home, she was now placed in second order to the mother, so he probably backed her more to help the balance, but by doing so he created you as the opposition in the home.But is still your home.
I am not so sure anyone that thought they would be a partner in a life with another can easily step back to be the third in the decisions made when moved into a child's homestead.
My own daughter held her first marriage completely in her dad's home, that ended in divorce when the two men in the home clashed, she sided with her Dad, as opposed to with her husband.
She started her second marriage the same way...but that changed when her father passed. Her second husband was allowed to grow with out the constraints of competition for attentions and watching her dad give her what he couldn't...yet.(sad but true)
He acted out a lot in those years which his mother condoned..
It has been 7 years now and they are more balanced as parents and as a couple, but the distance created then still shows it's face. His mother has been banished from their life, by my daughter. He married a materially spoiled girl, but they are both working together now. But how long? in my mind still remains a mystery, she is still hurt by his acting out.

I'm not sure this has any comparisons in the MIL/DIL conflict or closed doors, just an observation from this MIL.
J.

Four adults in one home is a tough dynamic to begin with. Two couples? Two families? None of us were expecting a free ride. Perhaps the biggest surprise is that it took 3 years for the blowout to happen.

I find myself drawing analogies to my internet experience. I started in 1974 when "Digitally Integrated Networks" were cutting edge technology. RAM was still a decade or so away from being invented. There was a whole lot of "Failure to Connect" going on. Still is, on this world-wide internet, but we have found a plethora of ways to cope with it.

I think the "Failure to Connect" summary might be working for me. It seems to be letting me consolidate quite a few of the echoes without closing my mind to future developments. Once consolidated, I can set them aside and await further development, if any.

We see. . . Still processing. . .

Yes. It does look like a failure to connect empathetically with each other.
:(
She acted very pushy and entitled...maybe because she felt a lack of control living in someone else's home?

( got sick, moved back home...that's what I felt, a loss of control, it was angering and depressing...)

You guys felt stressed and invaded ( bless you Mom, you're awesome )

It really grieves me to see you in so much pain over this. I know it is a huge loss for all involved. If there is any hope of conciliation then nobody who loves you and any of the other parties should stand in the way or withhold their support. There can be no excuse for that. NONE.

There is one thing for sure in any situation such as this where one side or the other uses children as pawns in a game of Gotcha. There is always one guaranteed loser, the child. Being a weekend warrior father who spent thousands of dollars in attorney's fees only to be given the norm, every other weekend and a 2 hour visit during the week, I know all to well how this story plays out.

I never, ever missed a weekend with my son. There were days I would drive 400 miles plus and finish my deliveries to the hotels. And then drive another 60 miles one way to pick up my son, sometimes to find his dearest mother playing games and neither be home when I got there. And no, I do not deserve a metal or accolades of any kind. I did what I did out of love for my son.

But 4 days out of the month and two 2 hour visits is no match for 27 days where a mother brainwashes her son into thinking his father is a no good son of a bitch. And to her credit, she won the battle. I give her all of the credit in the world. So now my son and I have no relationship of any kind. His Mommy was so sweet she made him his own little bedroom and lets him smoke his pot in her house. I am sure the two of them share a bowl from time to time. Tender moments are tender moments.

Would I have done anything differently hind sight being 20/20. Absolutely not. I did the right thing and that is all that matters. Artie, there is nothing than what your in-laws are doing to you and your hubby by using the grandchildren in a worthless game of gotcha. Don't play the game. Accept some short term pain for long term gain. Just let it be. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Why? Because nobody knows what the pain feels like better than I do.