Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.

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activebrain 07/01/2019

I don't even know how to get into this whole sordid story. I don't want this to be a giganticly long post, so I'll try to sum up the past few days. I've been feeling extremely lonely and lost and insignificant. I keep mentioning to the people who are my basic support group that I'm lonely and need people to keep in touch with me when I'm unable to get out and about and I've only had one or two people keep in touch with me on these instances. I recognize that everyone is very busy and it still hurts because I am just feeling like I am totally unimportant. So I happened to ask one of my support friends what I need to do in order for me to be able to get more support without making people feel guilty about not doing enough. I know he meant well and was simply trying to encourage me and still the words hurt my feelings. Because what I got out of it with that I need to change before people are going to support me and be willing to be around me. When I got out of what he said is that bottom line I'm high maintenance and people don't want to deal with that. They're willing to be friendly acquaintances and they don't want to get too close because then they're afraid they'll have to be responsible for me and all of my moods. So for the past few days I've been feeling like they would all just be better off if I simply didn't exist. It would be much easier on everybody because then they wouldn't have to worry about my moods or dealing with any of my problems or not being there for me or being there for me for that matter. I recognize this is not a helpful thought pattern and I keep ruminating on it. I also can't get it out of my mind because it seems so true. Yes I know if I were dead they would grieve and I honestly believe and feel that they would secretly be relieved because they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I love them all dearly and it kills me to have to say things like this because I don't want to hurt anybody in any way. And yet I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of people giving me the impression that I'm too sick to get any help. I'm tired of people expecting me to change before they'll just accept me for who I am. People are constantly telling me how loving I am and that I have a heart big enough for the world. Why can't that be enough? Why do I have to change all these nit-picky little things in order to be accepted? In order to get support? In order to have friends who truly care and view me as important? I'm feeling very miserable and lost and completely hopeless right now

EvergreenDreamer 07/01/2019

Hello active. Im sorry you are feeling so lonely. I dont know if you are in therapy or not, but if you are not, i would encourage you to consider it. From personal experience, i know that sometimes our own mental illness that overwhelms us does also overwhelm the people around us. It doesn't always mean that we are not loved, or that others dont care. Quite often , its more about them than us, but as humans we tend to self internalize everything, especially those of us that mental illness makes more vulnerable.
Also, sometimes our mental health colors our perspective and our own emotions actually lie to us. They make us believe things that may not be true.
Sometimes when we are feeling suicidal thoughts, it makes it impossible for us to see or feel anything but darkness and negativity.
I hope you keep writing out these feelings, because expressing them is important to healing too. Triple hugs of support.

patti22 07/01/2019

I was once told that I was a "black hole" so I know how bad it hurts.

At the same time I agree with evergreen, we can be too much for others at times.

I'm tired. I wish I could say more or say it better. But hugs.

mujicaptsd 07/02/2019

I've been through two divorces over this issue, and I quit dating after the second one and live alone just in acceptance of how it's hard for others to live with me and my PTSD symptoms. For example, my PTSD startle response is high, meaning if anyone comes up behind me in my home, I'm likely to jump. That sort of thing. It's .manageable stuff, but it does have to be managed, and not everyone wants to.

SimpsonsOK 07/02/2019

Active, sounds like time to bring more people contact into your life. Volunteering is a good start as interacting let's us feel less alone. I always interact with folks at the store. Yesterday, they had big bags of tomatoes in the produce markdown area for 99 cents. I shared that with three different people. Those brief conversations make a difference. Sometimes, our friends feel helpless. I space out calls to friends, I make sure the conversations are two way streets. I try to clearly spell out what my need may be, and how they can help me. DS is here for us to give and get the support that we need. Glad you found us. There are crisis lines listed here for the worst moments. Consider using them. Comforting hugs.

eli_mom 07/02/2019

Hello Activebrain,
I’m very sorry you are struggling right now.
I pray for God’s comfort and strength be upon you as go through this loneliness. Please remain strong, we are here for you.

Are you seeing a therapist?I hope you can get the help you need to stay well.
Please keep us posted. God bless.

activebrain 07/11/2019

Doing much better now, after two inpatient stays recently. Got a higher perspective and feel much more rational than before. It's understandable and the Christian thing to do to try to make changes in ourselves to help others. They're not asking me to change who I am, just change the way I act at times. I was just very vulnerable when my friend told me that then. Doing so much better now. Thanks all.

mujicaptsd 07/11/2019

Thanks, Active, for writing that line here you wrote saying: "They're not asking me to change who I am, just change the way I act at times." I got PTSD from very close combat experiences (as in soldiers inside my house) for 6 years straight living in a war zone overseas where my missionary family raised me from when I was 9 years old until I was 15.

So PTSD isn't all of who I am, but it's hard wired in there with all of the good stuff, too. It can't be unscrambled now that I'm an adult any more than you can unscramble eggs. However, it doesn't get to dictate my response to how I feel.

As you say, I can change the way I act at times. I appreciate your adding "at times" there, too, so I don't have to try to change the way I act perfectly, either. There's no way I could live up to that. I'm grateful that you did write about what I can live up to instead. Glad you're doing somewhat better today.

SunCloudJD 07/12/2019

It sounds like you're doing much better Active.... What a lovely update...… Big hug.....xo

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