hugs, the pieces make nice mosaics with patience.

I am sorry the cottage dream was dismissed so fast. But at least you are working on the dream.
Hugs. J.

You're anxious now?

Or the anxiety is over now?

Love you Sarah, but moods go up and down, and neither the anxiety nor recovery from it is "over" forever.

No i am anxious actually. I was saying all those feelings had gone but im happy but i do sit with alot of anxiety and irritation. Im wondering what this hype hides.

My cpn asked me today if there was a suicide plan he was unaware of and him saying thats got me paniced. I know im not ok, im going to fall down hard and its starting. Im trying to tell myself im happy and hope it continues.

(((hugs)))

Did you talk to him about what to do if you fall down hard? Do you have support lined up?

It's okay if you don't feel as great as you were feeling. It's okay. You have gotten through bad feelings before. You will get through them this time too.

You always end up stronger and better than you were before. If you look at the big picture, you did an amazing job of taking care of yourself this Christmas. This is the hardest time of year for you, and you got through it really well.

(((hugs)))

As a "public instructor" I am qualified to help you handle your problems. -Matthew 13:52. Feel free to contact me.

Glen
(504) 655-2539 or labellaglen@gmail.com

A friend of mine had a pattern of suicide, and she learnt to recognise the warning signs of starting to go down that path and ask for help from mental health team

She's broken free of it now through therapy with both gender til she was ok with them, then AA

If that's not you and you feel ok, try not to let the concern over a possible suicide plan send you down the path of v thinking your in a bad place.

I personally have been suicidal loads but more of the depressed kind that doesn't cause strong urges so it's never been an issue
This once I had a therapist I was attached to in early days of ptsd recovery pressing my buttons all the time. That did cause overwhelming urges to just go kill myself
Was very scary stuff to try to survive
Is there anyone in your life repeatedly pushing your buttons? Time to cut out the rot???

I cant cut out the rot. The rot is me. I push my own buttons. Theres good and bad me. I argue with myself all the time in my head i push my own buttons into madness.

This is not fair to you, Sarah. You are the shit container for your whole family, guarding the secrets of your criminal dad who has assaulted you all your life so that the family could look good. That is the rot in your life. You just need sufficient support outside your family to be able to cut out that rot. But at least you are moving in the direction of setting boundaries with them.

that is correct, Our lillove. you are in no way the problem you have been made to believe you are.

that is all wrong - that is lies. non of that is accurate or true.

you have been the victim. then, you were used as the scapegoat.

you are good - you can learn to believe it as you have been beginning to.

it is beautiful to see the beginnings of this for you and with you.

the happiness you've felt and enjoyed is real.

gather together your support for the more difficult times.

we are here for you.

i think you are getting more balanced though. i don't think the times between are very long or very extreme.

((((hugs))))

((((love)))) You are not rot, not one speck of you! You may have learned some negative ways to stay alive, or deal with your abuse, but you are not negative or rot.

The abuse, the abusers, it , they are the rot.

You are amazing to me cause you are still here, and I see all the love in your heart for beany~
Love that nothing and no one was able to destroy.

and you keep going, good day or bad day~ that's a miracle to me~
that's strength
that's real courage

that is my inspiration to keep trying~
you are amazing to me~

triple hugs~

Thanks everyone and people who have commented on my journals too. My prn seems to have kicked and with all ur support too i have calmed a bit.
I want people to know i am safe here tonight and in no risk of harming myself tonight.