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I was estranged from my abusive family from 1992-2000. From 2000-2010 I reconciled with my family, during which time I nursed my mom through years of cancer treatment until it went into remission. After more violence at a family Christmas I've been estranged from them again since 2010. Tonight I got a hangup call from their area code. I called it back and got a hospital's front desk.
It could have been a test call by an estranged family member from a hospital where my mother is hospitalized for cancer. I heard the cancer had returned. My mother could finally be dying. Have I prepared myself for this? The unresolved issues are huge. because my mother was at the center of my lifetime of abuse. She's a Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy mom, to put it simply. That means that, to begin with, she has always manipulated medical situations for attention, even if it harmed her family.
So I can only say this here and be understood. A part of me is sad my mother is dying and a part of me is feeling glad she's dying and leaving this earth without another piece of me. Of course, part of me feels guilty about that. My other abusive family members would pull out all the stops to make me look bad if I didn't respond conventionally by taking their calls and attending the funeral, etc. But, honestly, they don't deserve to see my grief at this point.
I've had to live twice for years with the loss of them because they are such violent, dysfunctional people. The death of one of them doesn't change that. I would rather share my grief with people on DS PTSD than with anyone else who wouldn't understand my mixed feelings. They can understand some of those feelings are grief because my mother may be dhing. Some, though, are feelings of relief at knowing my life with my abusive mother in it may end.
This could be a false alarm. Or it could be a big emotional step about to happen. Would you go to her funeral, knowing what I've shared here? When I left the family in 2010, despite how hurt I was I worked with my therapist and wrote them a loving letter of goodbye forever. I could let that stand as my final word. Or should I?
It could have been a test call by an estranged family member from a hospital where my mother is hospitalized for cancer. I heard the cancer had returned. My mother could finally be dying. Have I prepared myself for this? The unresolved issues are huge. because my mother was at the center of my lifetime of abuse. She's a Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy mom, to put it simply. That means that, to begin with, she has always manipulated medical situations for attention, even if it harmed her family.
So I can only say this here and be understood. A part of me is sad my mother is dying and a part of me is feeling glad she's dying and leaving this earth without another piece of me. Of course, part of me feels guilty about that. My other abusive family members would pull out all the stops to make me look bad if I didn't respond conventionally by taking their calls and attending the funeral, etc. But, honestly, they don't deserve to see my grief at this point.
I've had to live twice for years with the loss of them because they are such violent, dysfunctional people. The death of one of them doesn't change that. I would rather share my grief with people on DS PTSD than with anyone else who wouldn't understand my mixed feelings. They can understand some of those feelings are grief because my mother may be dhing. Some, though, are feelings of relief at knowing my life with my abusive mother in it may end.
This could be a false alarm. Or it could be a big emotional step about to happen. Would you go to her funeral, knowing what I've shared here? When I left the family in 2010, despite how hurt I was I worked with my therapist and wrote them a loving letter of goodbye forever. I could let that stand as my final word. Or should I?
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Maybe if you go to the funeral, try to not think of it as letting your other family members see your grief. Because it shouldn't be about them. They are hurtful and their opinions don't matter. It should be about you feel about it.
Then again if you don't go at all you could just avoid the whole situation with your family. I guess it all depends on if you think it would do any good for you to go. And remember, don't just do it for your abusive family. Make the choice that you think would be right for you.
I totally get it that you are relieved. It is going to be weird to have that mix of grief and relief. I don't know what that's like yet but I've thought about it. I wish I could help more!
One thing that I do have to say however, I found that when my father died, I thought I was prepared for it. He had been sick for a long time and was suffering. We had our chance to say good bye and spend time with him. When he finally did die, I was not prepared. It hit me like a tide wave a few weeks later. I lost my job and ended up in the hospital for a month. The actual death seemed to have triggered a relapse of my PTSD symptoms and it really caught me off guard.
Just take extra care of yourself during this time and for a few weeks after. Know we are here for you
My sis.
My dad.
Hit me twice.
Honestly? I feel more guilt/ambivalence on my sis because 1. I had less to no time to resolve anything in myself (I was 21 when she passed.) But with my dad? I'd come to a sort of peace knowing: He'll never, so I can't, and it's that grief more than his death that haunts me.
As for my ssiter.... I never got to find out if she'd ... anything. So that is the unfinished business for me.
In your case, you've been estranged for years, for good reason, and IMHO only... the choice here is: What will help *your* healing?
My concern is that your family, like my dad's, will turn it into such a melodrama and such a triggering event that your grief will end up lost in the shuffle--- and it's an honest grief, whatever form it takes, whether for what was, what wasn't, what could've what might have, etc..... THat's what I think, anyway.
Grieve as *you* see fit, Muji, and know that whatever you do, we're here. :-) Heck, wear a Groucho Marx disguise to the funeral, or sneak into the hospital at 4 AM, whatever----just know we're here.
Softest purrs,
Leo
As for grief, I would think you might grieve for the mother you never had, and for the miraculous change of heart that never happened, but it doesn't sound like there's much more for you to grieve there.
After my father died I felt grief at first because he was playing the part of a nice old man. Then a lot of buried rage and hatred began to rise to the surface - and I began to work on the sexual abuse in my past. So sometimes a person's death doesn't give rise to grief. Sometimes it allows other feelings to rise to the surface.
If this is the real deal, then, I don't think I'll go to the funeral. Not out of spite, but because it might undo good grief more than aid in good grief. I'll be crying here with my friends instead.
Thanks, everybody.
That said, I have been estranged from my family for years. My niece told my mother that I was running a brothel out of my house that was always filled with teenage girls. The fact that it was not true and I did everything in my power to protect those kids never came into the matter. That was 8 (?) years ago?
Anyway, several years ago we not notification through one heck of a grapevine that my sister had died. The first reports we got were that is was my middle sister - and we actually threw a minor party in celebration that she could no longer hurt me. A couple weeks later it was corrected that it was my oldest sister... and though we felt a bit sorry, we were more upset, I was more upset, that my middle sister was still alive.
Then, about a year ago, the same grapevine got it through to me that my dad (the one who has beaten my sisters, but always was wonderful to me) was dying in the hospital. With hubby's help, I reached out, established contact, spoke to him, told him I loved him. He did not die, but pulled through with brain damage.
When my sister and my mother die, if my father is still alive, we will bring him up to live with us - assuming we actually have a place to live.
I would rather die myself than to allow them back in my life, even for a day or two.
yadlim
I was what she needed, objective help, not being one to ever be weak, but the ways she was strong? Well I am here on DS for many reasons.
After she passed, I was numb, for the person I seen in the last months was not the person that had been in my life, she was different. I'm not sure I can help in any way, since that confusion still rocks me 15 years now. But it did make an impact on how I veiw myself. That I was strong enough to do what was expected as a bloodline daughter. Both the beliefs of my heart would not let me do otherwise. Te native side, for what ever she was, I am here because of her, and the catholic side of honoring our parents. It was my lat chance to prove to me that I had the ability to let things go for a while long enough to let her pass with some peace.
It still plays a part in the battles I fight, regardless of the choices I made.
Much of who I am is a result of what she taught me. Things to never do to another. I would not have known the ramifications of that ,without her.
I don't think I would be as understanding of things that people do when hurt. I would not recognize it so easily.
So parts of me that others think are caring, insightful and empathetic...are all there for her legacy in me, because of what I was taught way too young.
Among the others in my life she was definitely one of the first to have control of how I learned these good traits.
So anyway, hugs and we are here.
J.
Thanks for your support as the week goes on. If my sister's calling using the hospital number for cover, that means my mother's in the hospital still and we're not in the funeral stage. It'll be interesting to see what number she calls from then in her cat and mouse game.
Meanwhile, I'm not playing, just observing. My goodbyes were said long ago, and I'm at peace as I talk about it with people like you who care.
I'm going to get all armchair psychiatrist on you and ask you, "If one of your students were to ask you the same question in your Death and Dying class, what would you say?"
I'm the type that could not stay away from the funeral. But that's because I'm addicted to drama and a glutton for punishment.
You say there are unresolved issues still. Would going to the funeral help? Disowning is one thing b/c they are still alive. Maybe you'll feel a lot better if you actually can go and see her no longer with us on this earth. Just the fact that the hangup stirred things up in you and you have doubts may mean you need to think about it more.
I know you don't care about the rest of your family and I understand that. But if you don't go, you may regret it more than going, wishing you hadn't. But if you really think it will injure you more to go, then stay away. Who all would be there? Would they harm you more, or would you not going give them even more ammunition?
You could also plan to go and take it from there. Maybe only stay in your car and watch across the street. Go to the graveyard after everyone leaves. Enter late with you own support and sit in the back and leave early. There are ways to compromise if you are conflicted.
I will be in your corner no matter what you decide. And I'm sorry this even has to be given so much consideration, but I understand.
When I left my family in 2010 and worked on my farewell with my therapist, I took four months working on the wording of the letter because it had to be the last word. I knew that it had to be closure for me, it had to represent my grieving and not a door slammed in anger. I specifically said I didn't want to receive even a death notification, that it was that final. My final word was that I loved them and I was sad we had to part forever.
And so it is.
I hope you have peace of mind. If you do, then that's all that matters.
It's between you and God. Your mother will have to deal with that, too. I pray for her sake she rights her soul. Here's a question you may or may not want to ponder... She's on her death bed. She's praying to God, asking for forgiveness for all her sins. God tells her to seek you out. (Maybe God wouldn't do that, but let's say God does.) What would she have to say to you for you to give her pass over in peace? (Can only God forgive our sins, or can we do that for each other?)
If that's too deep, feel free to ignore.
I know that I'm working on my relationship with my parents and what has helped me heal is telling them where I feel they did wrong by me. But they had to hear and understand me, and CHANGE the behavior. That's the key. Using that criteria, forgiving my mother on her deathbed would be more of a gift for her than it would do anything for me, b/c it would be too little, too late, but I'd hope I'd have the grace in the moment to say, "It's okay now, Mom."
Wow- I wonder where all that came from...
As for me, this test is proving I I prepared for this better than I thought,. I'm doing ok with it so far, as much as it is an extreme circumstance. I'm not cold about it, but I really got my closure when I said goodbye a few years ago after all. I'm glad that when put to the test, it really meant something. It did. It turns out, as much as I"m grieving the loss of the mother I never had, closure regarding the reality I have to deal with is not just a word. That's a blessing.
I've been looking at the reply's and support and wondering what I would do. Mostly because the day is coming that soon I will be in similar shoes.
I cant and wont get closure with my mother with her in my life , even on her death bed.
The closure that will come for me will be from within me.
The other is for her to deal with.
I do however bow my head in regret at times that I wasn't able to get thru to her how much I loved her. But to be subject to ridicule and those awful things that were done to me , lets just say I don't want my subconscious to even be looking for any I'm sorrys , because that would undo all the process I've gone thru to move forward.
Ill wait until she visits in a dream NICELY.(LOL) Or she can still be on her way.