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methinks the meanest aspect about a psychotic episode is that there is no clear ending. some of my episodes have even gone covidic and stretched for merciless, unclear years. where's my finish line?!?!?! where's the winner's circle?!?!?! it's okay if i am not worthy of standing inside the winner's circle. the closure of standing outside the circle and/or slithering off-stage like the loser i am will suffice. just let me know when ^it^ is over.
the dominant theme of the current flashback series seems to be suicide watches. suicide watches were fairly standard with my 10 siblings. i quite literally handed 3 of my elder siblings razor blades and told them, "do it or lose it, whiney pants. the drama is getting old." the years of suicide threats are more tedious than my impatient nature can handle. i recused myself from suicide watches for the younger 6 siblings. it's a strictly personal choice. one of my more conflicted guilt spots is being a bit proud of my two elder brothers finally took decisive action.
just venting. . . it is what it is. . .
still leaving the mood icon on "okay." it's no fun and NFF, but i the therapy tools seem to be working. i'm still able to do what needs doing with appreciation for the good stuff. one of those tools is imaniging the wish for a clear finish line in my magic wish garden.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Another_Grey_Area
When I start thinking can't stop sinking
Everybody left me holding the baby
Everything's the same no-one took the blame
That's the colour of another grey area
That's the colour of another grey area
Another grey area
Another grey area
That's the colour
That's the colour
onward through the fog. . .
I think some people have this as an option for problems and leave it on the table unfortunately
For me if someone called and stated they were going to commit suicide I would call 911 and leave it to them to help period
If someone states they are going to commit suicide I think they're reaching out for help so I would leave it to professionals who would be on top of it around the clock
I would do it every time someone said this is what I'm going to do
This would be awfully hard on you.... xo
i hold suicide as a valid option. i rather admire the imagery of a warrior falling on her sword. i even like to believe i am warrior enough to do so, should such an extreme become necessary. as i hod it as a valid option, i decide every day that it is not the best option in my options closet. at least, not today. i'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
alas, i have precious little patience for the tedium of constant threats and failed attempts. if you're gonna do a thing, do it like ya mean it. don't waste my time with idle chit chat. having grown up hearing more suicide threats than optimism, my callouses run quite deep. how awful is it that i feel like calling 9-1-1 is a waste of taxpayer dollars. it somebody wants to fall on their pill bottle, let 'em.
works are still in progress to stretch my patience zone, but i am far from ready to extend my community service to working the suicide hotlines. nobody gets to be good at everything.