Uh-oh. Don't start a downward spiral of patterns. I saw your words about spending others' money on frivolous things. Protecting their boundaries will make you feel better. How do I know? I also saw your words about (quote) "every conversation has a word or theme that sends me into my head" and I have the same problem (word or theme sends me into a past memory). Meanwhile, the seeming narcissist who did this to me was purposefully (purposefully) attempting memory permanence, purposefully attempting to anchor my memories so I couldn't heal, purposefully to cause my memories rubber-band back to them. Very annoying, huh? Like a constant nag, nagging, thoughts going back to a past memory? Can be depressing, too, I think you're not alone. The repeated nagging to the prior memory seems survival-based, to escape a possible repetition of the same events. I learned a few places I'm to not offer "un-solicited advice" or I run the risk of being a co-dependence guy. Meanwhile, I'm sharing with you a few events which seem to match your events (memories rubber-banding to the past, and how annoying such events are, annoying and sometimes depressing, because positive memories help us reach positive places). Do you have a way to create new memories? Maybe paint during sunshine? The water colors during sunshine, with music playing, created a memory for me (painting simple boulders on a stream) and at least I can share the memory with you, even if I'm not painting right now. The ability to create a vivid memory, maybe with incense (incense!) while painting, with music, would be better and better and better if you could even cause you have a dream at night (with the memory in the dream, seems ideal for healing). I also checked with a therapist to "disrupt my cycle of daily patterns" and he prescribed decades-old tried-and-true medication for using at bedtime, which actually is a double effect (VERY AMAZING how much better I felt merely 100mg gabapentin and Propranalol 60mg (both very low doses, and both with PTSD in mind, resulted deeper sleep at night for the double effect of interrupting a pattern and with added rest)). I was sooooo surprised at how much better I felt with better rest and a disruption (even though such low doses) of pattern, because even as time progresses, I also have the memory of things which "worked." Do have a good day, Jenny.

Thank you William, meds have crossed my mind the past few weeks. An antidepressant and something to stop the spinning thoughts might be in order for sure.

Hat eto say it, but ... if not for the chemical stuff I'd be seriously dead. No meds, no me. I DO NOT recommend you decide what meds you're taking based on anyone else's experiences, simply b/c we all operate differently, and there are meds that *must* be long-term to be effective, and those that aren't, and it may also take some other interventions. Therapy, something, b/c what you're experiencing? Is exhaustinng your *body* as well as your psyche. Which is going to leave your psyche more vulnerable.

IMHO, and this is my opinon only, sounds like you're using shopping, etc. Grounding-Here-and-Now distraction methods from what's in your head... So... don't distract. Cry, let it out, anchor yourself wth safe methods (I like ice water, aromatherapy oils), practice calming breathing so your body gets to rest a bit even if your thoughts are spinning. (Like mine still do a lot of times.) .... And please, please, ocntact a professional to help you sort this out, okay?

Puma support.

First, you have a lot of reasons to be having a rough time....so go gentle with yourself.

The painting idea sounds really good.

"So why can I say all this but have zero capacity to process any of It?"

Saying things which cannot be processed is my psychotic specialty. Wanna come visit my mud caves? The bee barge is scheduled to be in the topside port today. It'll be carrying lots of honeycombs in need of harvesting. We'll be having one hell of a lot more fun harvesting honeycombs than we will in this dreary yaddah we call reality.

Flashback loops are an entirely different phenom in my own psychosis. This just-a-patient favors the theory that those fixed moments I keep flashing back to are brain injuries. The way I keep going back to them is not that different to the way my hand might reflexively hover over a scrape on my arm. Plying salves to the injury is more effective than hating myself for having sustained an injury.

Dunno if that makes sense. I am still looking for the words for ^it^.

Gentle empathy, Jenny. Them thought loops are mean and noisy buggers. . .

Thanks and getting help tomorrow morning.