We all do that sometimes.

The idiot factor which causes me to push people away is a habit of rejecting before I can be rejected. Even if the rejection never comes, why would I trust anybody could love anybody as unlovable as me? I try to treat it like an factor more than an IQ score. Albert Einstein's idiot factor list was even more impressive than the math behind "E=MC2" and he knew it. He often said, "There is a fine line between idiocy and genius."

But that is me. . .

Continued support while you sort your own, Sarah.

Say what's really hurting instead of displacing the hurt. I am here partly from losing 6 friends and family to death so close together, but they knew I cared to their last day. I understand that if it hurts, it's easy to push away newer people, or just not be visible. I do it until I can grapple with what's really hurting me. Today is today.

Like donnawanda said, we all do that so it doesn’t make you an idiot it makes you human. I did this for years, so I know what it’s like. I obsessively hid everything I’d ever been through from my friends and pushed away efforts to get to know what was going on in my life forcefully. Prayers; you’re brave for powering through, and pretty much everyone does this kind of stuff at some point.

Big hug for you sweetie..... We are here..... Deep breaths..... xo

hugs, gentle hugs.

you are not an idiot. we often do things to hurt ourselves because we don't know how to do better, how to feel better. it's called self-sabotage and you're not the only one who does it and you shouldn't knock yourself for doing it. sometimes when the best thing for us is NOT to be alone, we isolate, afraid of showing our feeling and vulnerabilities, too miserable to want to even to try reach out. you recognise what's happening and that's a big positive and very important. now, you have to try to take the small steps toward reaching out for support and company and moving beyond isolation. keep talking. we're listening.

Ok, this is my 5th time trying to post this before it gets eaten.

I agree, you are not an idiot. Like bookmaven has said here, its self sabotage. I do it too. What I have found when that is happening is that I am lacking in something I need like self care. Giving my body attention, going out and mingling with people as scary as it is. Taking a walk or when depressed forcing myself to shower and do the entire routine etc.

Bookmaven said much of what i would have recommended myself but its also something I have a bad habit of not doing. I also isolate a lot.

I find strangers to be the most comforting or non-threatening to be honest. They do not need pushing away because they never have an 'in'. You are doing good and making a lot of progress. I have seen it a lot in the last year or two.

Thanks everyone. Im trying to slow myself down im starting to go at 100 mile per hour over thinking things.

okay you are in a fine classic car and letting up in the gas peddle,breathe
the car is gearing down one level at a time, breathe

the trees are not so blurry and you can guess at how many are along the road,
down another level. breathe.

You no longer have to keep your hair from snapping in your eyes.
one more level down, breathe...