I have had enough quiet, somehow, to recognize why I think people younger than me are much smarter than me. 

I have ptsd yes. Sometimes big decisions are terrifying. I feel triggered when I feel trapped. And I freeze. Trying to figure out what’s right or which way is up vs down, is like trying to walk through a cloud made of peanut butter. 

Hindsight is 20/20 is not just about making mistakes. It’s about having enough distance to see the whole picture. That’s a problem for people who don’t have ptsd but it’s a bigger problem for someone like me who’s triggers keep me from being able to process information. I have experienced processing lags as short as a few minutes and some ad long as a few years. It’s hard to remember that I am not stupid when I can’t figure things out. That’s something I’ve been working on all year. I’ve made a lot of in the moment decisions just because sitting and feeling trapped was awful and just as messy and hard as making mistakes.

As messy as the situation was, I wish I hadn’t sold the car I couldn’t afford. I was legally allowed to after mediation which, as proud as I was through that, it was a horrible deal. My lawyer was a terrible terrible lying liar face. She was telling me I was trapped and I was too scared/trapped to hire an attorney I would be paying for. I felt doubly trapped. My parents offering to help financially when the last time they did that they also brought my abuser back into my life without asking or warning me. And I lived with them at the time. I felt triple trapped. I have hired an expensive attorney now that I’m experiencing legal issues because of things my soon to be ex husband did. He’s not stuck to any terms of mediation and this one has filed a motion to have the agreement dismissed. I need someone who’s on my side, not someone who just wants to close a case. And I have no idea how to pay for him. But I know I need to find a way. 

So ive realized the things my friends do, the ones who I somehow look up to though I’m even older than them, are things I also need to do.

 I need to prioritize my family, my self care, our schedule, our money and our time alone with each other. I do lots of those things really well but I do not prioritize us as well as I could. I focused so much on the idea that maybe my husband would change and/or ask me to come home. And when I realized he wouldn’t my priority was controlling what happens when they’re there even though I’m not there. I’m so concerned for their safety (rightfully so, older child doesn’t understand it so much but says things like “I hate mommy” and “daddy hate mommy”) and when they’re sick he just doesn’t act, at all. He hasn’t been to a single appointment for littlest even the one after she’d been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and knew wed be discussing surgery. He doesn’t follow doctors orders. She says he doesn’t give her the nasal spray but she’s also 2 so who knows if that’s true. She comes home exhausted and mean. Oldest comes home quiet. I need to focus on us when we are here and even when we are not. How can I work for us while they are away? How can I make sure they are safe, happy and loved while here with me? Friends abusive husband set up counseling appointments for them now that she left him. He wants more of her time and she says no, she’s working full time and going to school and she’s now a single mom. There’s literally not time. There are some things I need to say no to, and I’ve done better about that these last couple of months. It’s take me longer to learn that than it took her. 

The biggest difference I see is that she has safe healthy people in her life who she can ask for advice. I don’t have that. My parents have an agenda with everything I give them. They expect me to do things their way. They’re judgmental and mean when I don’t listen. And their money often comes with strings attached. I feel bad meeting them for dinner because I can not afford to do that every other week and they pay. I felt bad accepting birthday gifts but my mom had some subtle things she did to be cruel. I’m not even sure she noticed them. Our relationship is just weird. I feel bad for not being able to see them as much as they’d like but they don’t live close and they don’t actually prioritize the kiddos when they make plans. I have to think about snacks and nap time. They also get offended if I say something is okay even if they don’t like it. They get equally offended if I say no to something they’re fine with. But I’m the parent. A lot of that is normal parent child relationship issues but our story comes with bits and pieces of what led me to have ptsd so the associated feelings are surrounded by fear. 

I have felt as close to suicidal as I’ve been since I left my husband, but I’m taking care of myself anyways. Showering, eating, spending time with friends. And now that I realize I don’t have wise safe people in my life, maybe I can find some? 

Maybe that would help.

I am much less terrified of people than I was this time last year. But still quite hesitant to trust.