Alexxxxm, I wonder if you could turn those fantasies into visions of rescue and empowerment? So that you're not just destroying those men, you're destroying them and rescuing the boy you were? Saving him, letting him triumph over them and walk away unharmed?

I know all about anger because I was also sexually abused, by my own family, and I tend to find it very painful. But one of my counselors says she views anger as FUEL. So I'm wondering if you could turn those fantasies of destruction into fantasies of empowerment. I don't care what you do to the men, but the important part is rescuing and empowering the boy. Let him walk away triumphant and unharmed.

There is no statute of limitations for child sexual abuse in the UK. You can still report them.
you could try to put them in jail.
That is a hard challenge that you may not be up for now, or never be up for. And that is ok. Your first responsibility is to yourself, to keep you alive.

I used to fantasize about killing my dad...I did this every day for years. So it's normal to be this angry.

I understand the strength of your anger. Something that helped me was to use my imagination to release it. That is, I'd imagine my grandfather standing in front of me, I'd use a beam of light from my belly to him, and pour my rage into him. I'd really get into feeling it go into him - and suddenly he exploded into a thousand pieces. This is only one idea of many ways to get relief. Is there somewhere you could go that's private, and have a good yell or scream? Talking it out, writing it out are other ideas.
I'd just like to share one more experience I had. I was incredibly angry one night about paedophiles and the pissy little jail terms they get - I wanted to kill a few. I rang a few people to express my anger, but this didn't help. It got stronger. I was highly disturbed, and then I thought 'oh, why don't I hand it over?' So I said 'OK god, it's up to you whether I kill anyone.'
And it was like someone pulled the plug - my anger drained out of me, leaving me in a state of peace.
all the best.

Anger's a stage of grieving/loss. We cycle through each stage, and over time, eventually---or so I'm told!---acceptance dominates.

That said, channel the anger. Use it to motivate yourself to improve your physical health---to build something (hammering nails is very anger-relieving for me)---to take the pain they caused and transform it into something that gives *you* peace.

I told my one abuser if she ever touched me again I'd effing break her nose. I never *would* have---but oh, it felt good to say! So harmless wish fulfillment is okay too--- I sketch a face, tape the paper to a pillow, and kick the shit outta the pillow, for example.

Just my rambling ideas, sorry, I'm not doing great today.

Alas, all of our feelings need expression, whether we want to do the expressing, or not... Including anger. Especially??? Better with words than self-harm and a kajillion other forms of compulsive expression anger always seems to find... Who knows? expressing it here might even help you find a coping tool or two.

I have been experimenting with "Reframing" during my latest rounds of anger. Well... So far I am still surfing more than actually experimenting.

Gentle support while you sort your own, Alex. Healing happens. May it happen to you.

Reminds me of my therapist's adage "hurt people hurt people." He would ask me if I was willing to do what it took to break the cycle. In my family tree, abuse and resulting PTSD go back generations on both sides without a break.

I want to give the world, and myself, a break from my gene pool's damage. Along those lines, I really like the scenario donnawanda suggested. What do you think?

Sorry you're feeling bad. I believe that what people think, feel and believe isn't important but what they do is what counts. It's natural to feel angry and want to hurt those who hurt you.
You might be able to find other, nonviolent courses of action, like writing a book or letter to a news paper to help other people not be hurt like you were. Or legal action if it's available.

My therapist always encouraged me to get my anger out at the person I was angry with - the abuser. I got a punching bag and would punch away at it while screaming "I hope you have a cancer that is rotting you from the inside out. And not killing you. Just making you terrified. I pray to God you are terrified". I also bought a body size pillow and drew a face and neck on it. I would punch, throw and strangle that pillow all the time. All the while I was focusing all my anger at the abuser. In time, the anger did subside because it got it all out. I got it out safely and I directed it where it belonged. Once it was out of me I found that I wasn't triggered as much any more. There was nothing to trigger because I processed it all.

If you don't have a punching bag you can buy the body size pillow and try that. Someone here suggested ripping up cardboard boxes which is a great idea. I tore up phone books. Pretty much anything that is difficult to shred with your hands is great to use.

I hope you are able to process all the anger you have because the only person it hurts now...is you. And you don't deserve to hurt any more.

I agree with you 100%. They deserve castration and worse. They deserve to be tortured. I also get very angry like this and want to cause pain. They are very hard feelings to deal with. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

Yep they do.

I had thought like that about the person that hurt me, worryingly enough it makes me feel better, still have slight thoughts now but not as bad as about 2 years ago. I know I was angry but can't remember to what extent. My anger is actually starting up again now but in a different situation.
I find writing helps me get out my emotions, I d other things too but they're not helpful in the slightest.