I just realized last night that I think I got raped twice by my ex after my first rape (ugh, how awful to say that), if we're going by the definition that rape is non-consensual sex and not by legal definitions.

One incident involved BDSM, in which I agreed thinking that it was basically going to be light spanking or whatever, but he was aggressive with me, ordering me to do to him, slapping me, blindfolding me, and having anal sex. I was so scared and didn't know how to say no to him. I never would've consented to what he'd done if I'd known beforehand. It was definitely very traumatic and I didn't remember it until like 2 years later. 

Another incident was very short and I didn't even think anything was wrong then. I just remembered this incident last night. I'd just returned to his place when he made me give him a hand job, and possibly also a blowjob. I was mad at him for just using me like that without asking if I consented, but I didn't say anything, since I already felt like I had no control or rights after the first sexual assault. He wasn't aggressive with me but he wouldn't let my hand go, and I think he also guided my head down to his crotch and put a hand on my head while I was doing stuff to him. 

I'm at a loss as to how to process things. Do you guys also think that what happened is rape?

I feel like what happened to me with my ex is also rape, since I started to have PTSD symptoms, like freezing up, teeth chattering, shaking, etc. My brain is struggling to comprehend how my ex, whom I'd fallen in love with, could have done these things to me.