I am scared of my ex. The one that abused me. the father of my one year old. I can not stand what he has did to me. and it causes me thoughts of anxiety I am constantly thinking about it and seeing it in my mind, and hearing telling me to shut the fck up, fck you, you're fat, or if you don't loose the weight you'll be like your mother (who is overweight, and i only weighed 150 after having his son i was 105 before getting pregnant), and also saying get the fck out of my house or ill throw you out the door myself (he meant LITERALLY throw me out) and that he was going to keep our son and kick me out, and he tried to pin me down on the couch while holding my wrists done, i was completely TERRIFIED. all i could do is scream "please don't hurt me, over and over again, and then he finally let me go and i ran into our room and he followed after me, and screamed I fucking hate you, you never do anything ( mind you our son was 2 months at the time and i took care of him 24/7 with Post partum depression), all you do is sit around, and that's when he threatened to kick me out and keep our son with him. He walked out of the room, all i could do was cry.

Another instance that is always stuck in my mind and i see him my head all the time is him trying to choke me while i was holding our almost 5 1/2 month old at the time... He was pissed because all i wanted to do was go to target, and i kept on asking him if we could go. He started getting pissy and i was on the phone with my best friend at the time, and i remember him saying are we gonna go yet over and over and over, and i told him to spot because i was on the phone. He then grabbed the phone from me and hung up on my best friend. HE went NUTS. Started screaming now you're not on the phone are you? and thats when he tried to choke me. HE put his hands around my neck and SCREAMED i fcking hate you, and i would kill you if i could! I cried so hard and i was so terrified. i felt like i was going to die. thats the day he "broke up" with me. :( He continued to abuse me after that because i still lived with him and i had no where to go, and i thought he would take our son from me if i were to leave.

I had already planned to go see my mom, and i am out of his physical reach now, because i just decided to stay with her. BUT hes still mentally abusing me, and i can not handle it anymore, especially sense i have to take care of our son and my poor son is a trigger for my PTSD so i always have a constant reminder. I love my son, but im emotionally numb, i dont feel the love anymore.... Im so afraid that his father is just going to come take him from me :( Im terrified of loosing my baby and im also scared my ex is going to kill me one of these days. I cant stop thinking about him wanting to kill me. the thought will not leave my mind, and the fact that i hate him so much makes me think that i hate my son, when i know i don't.... I could never hate my baby, hes too precious, but im emotionally numb, so i dont feel the love :(

I'm sorry this was so long.... I guess i just needed to get this off of my chest. Im so angry at everyone and i take everything out on my mom. I feel so bad about it, shes been helping me more than she should with my son, and im mean to her....god i feel so guilty. sometimes in the back of my mind i wish my ex would have just went ahead and choked me to death, just so that others wouldn't have to suffer with my anger. :( especially my mom and son.