I messed up tonight. My abusive ex made an Instagram profile recently and began "friend requesting" all of my family and friends, even though he never met most of them. To give some background information... He was diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder, or psychopathy, which explains how charming he was in the beginning, and how calculated he was when it came to the abuse. He would threaten murder-suicides constantly, he would keep me locked in his room for days on end, and I needed permission just to use the restroom(he would even mock me if I said "can i", instead of "may i"). I wasn't allowed to put my clothes back on in case he wanted more sex, and he would demand it 5-12 times every time I saw him, whether it was consensual or not. As I grew stronger, I started saying no, which is when he started forcibly drugging me. There will several witnesses, and I have testimonies from his friends, and girlfriends of those friends. He would drug me, and then brag to them about raping me. He has told me that his own mother would beg him not to hurt or kill her when they argue. I finally left two and a half years ago, but he still torments me. Even with a restraining order, there will be months of silence and then he will do something disturbing like calling me and telling me that I would be his "forever and always", or calling me every time he attempts suicide because it's my fault, just to name a few examples. His Instagram profile recently popped up in my "people you may know" section, and part of me panicked. I recognized many of the names of people he was following, and many of those people know what he did to me. I couldn't see what he posted, which made me incredibly paranoid, like what if he's talking about me? So I made a fake account, and I saw his profile. He would joke in the comment section with some of my former friends about how he wants to sue me because I am "spreading lies". He is incredibly manipulative, and I understand that these people who follow him are weak, but for some reason, it still hurts so much to see that they are friends with him, even if it's just to gain more Instagram followers. I feel hurt, betrayed, disgusted after seeing his face, and disgusted with myself. He is studying to become a defense attorney and is currently a paralegal. I am on track to become a clinical psychologist with an emphasis in somatic therapy, and will start practicing in a few years. Part of what sucks is seeing that this person who deserves a lifetime in jail, might end up being more successful than me to society's standards. And even though I know the truth, every time I see or hear someone that questions my story, I feel like I need to justify myself. But no one deserves anything from me, and I need to remember that. I don't know anyone who would want this to happen to them, or who would make any of this up. I immediately deleted my fake account, and my real one. I'm just in a dark place right now.
Tw since i last tried to commit suicide attempt i made a rule to myself that if ive made a active plan to kill myself i leave it exactly one week and if im still 100 percent certain i can do it. So far ive managed to aviod suicide more than once with this method because things can change i really do believe that since ive used that rule. I have my friends to thank i guess as they kinda helped...
it does to a person to not talk about it?i have shared only a little bit about my brother and about my ex with my therapist....it stutters out of me,and i can't look at him.change the subject...it has been a long long time but it still catches in my throat.