The new schedule is hard on all of us. We are used to having a week day off together to regroup and relax. That is no longer a thing and I’m severely depleted after this week. 

It’s not just the kids. Parents are both home this weekend also. That’s so much. There’s so much going unsaid and I know saying anything to [Mom] wild really just cause more problems. They’d want to parent for one thing and I can handle that. It’s my life. It’s my decision but worst of all they’re incapable of being emotionally supportive so I’d be making all the wrong decisions in their eyes and I would not have any space to cope. My business would also be all over town. It’s a small town. Not saying anything is wise but it’s lonely and emotional. It’s hard to live with people who you can’t trust with your emotions. I don’t have energy to do anything but I’m always a Mom. We made waffles this morning. They both said the chocolate chip waffles were their favorite but one kept eating the blueberry ones and didn’t seem to like the chocolate. We are currently “feeding” baby and cow. They’re “drinking” milk and eating the kids leftovers. I’m over here hoping there’s something magical about the K-cup coffee my parents bought me for Christmas. Because I can’t today. They’re dressed. I’m a morning person. I always have been but in the aftermath of this marriage, where my tools for triggers we ineffective, where I was hurt and made to feel like I had scared him, like I was responsible for my own pain because wanting to press pause or ask him to slow down was unreasonable and warranted his intense reaction....I feel crippled. I think my problem now is not so much the triggers but the self doubt. Is it actually really okay to take care of me or am I being unreasonable and worse, how will this person or these people respond to my self care? It’s never okay for someone to put their hands on me the way he did but for a long time I believed they was a normal reasonable response because I fell for his mind games and I guess I still live in that la la land even when he’s not the trigger, even when the trigger is a very safe reasonable person who’d never touch me at all, much less intentionally hurt me physically or otherwise. It’s been an exhausting week full of triggers from reasonable people and I didn’t handle them well. And I am so worn out, so completely exhausted, stretched way too thin, hoping for a magical burst of energy to jolt through me the second I finish my coffee. But that won’t happen. That’s not real life. I need to get dressed and take these kids somewhere. If I have triggers at home too, I will never find rest and come Monday I’ll be back in the mix of it all, so far from okay and even worse than this next weekend. I need to take care of myself.