For me it's a process like the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Breaking the denial about who I am and who I'm not is key, and then going through the process to acceptance means getting to a place where I'm not good or bad, I'm just me.

I'm flakey with my PTSD when it comes to memory, so I have sticky notes all over my kitchen, I carry one out the door to work in my pocket, and I have notes to myself on my calendar on my phone. I teach using a computer up in front of class and this week I couldn't remember a function on it so I had a student come up and take over the keyboard and do it because I'd flaked out.

Forgiving myself because that's just me comes from processing my foibles using those 5 steps.

We're all kinda flaky. Nobody's not flaky in some way. What exactly is "valuable to society"?... You don't have to cure cancer or be a superstar, you can just be a quiet tax-paying person who doesn't do harm and be VALUABLE. B/c society is made up of all that, not just the "big ticket" people. That said?

I think everyone has "masks" they wear in certain situations. I'm a great "fake extrovert" if needed, but am a natural introvert (go figure, right?)... My mom used to say she was "putting on her Nurse Face" before she went to work. We are situational critters. It's normal. It's Nature. A bunny in the burrow is not the same as the bunny in the field, b/c the threat levels, etc., are different.

As for fundamental "selfhood"? I was told at age 17 that it is a neverending process to build a self, so chill out about it (very short version of that lecture from a much-admired teacher in my life). You can always ask a professional about this stuff, but IMHO? if who we are becomes rigidly defined, unable to be adpative to situations and life stages, we're in trouble.

That may be not at all the existential stuff on your mind, but it's what came to *mine*.

Do not seek the truth. Only cease to cherish opinion. ~Zen Proverb

The therapy thread which most resonated with me concerning my feelings of fraudulence is, "Imposter Syndrome." My life has been as far as I could get it from the circumstances I was born to. So who am I now? WHAT am I now? Works in progress. . .

Gentle empathy, Jenny. You are nowhere near alone on this one. Maybe we should *just* shift our tones to say, "I'm flaky and I know it" like it's a good thing. Flakes, too, have their place in the natural order.

It takes time-yr.s!! It takes grieving for the little girl you once were and the woman you are now(and still becoming). It takes grieving for your mother. The mother that you've NEVER had,always longed for,craved,and wanted and NEVER got yet you believe,think, and feel that you ALWAYS deserved,needed,and wanted! It takes coming to terms,accepting,and making peace with this truth(and with this reality),through the process of grieving,for you to be able to move forward in your own healing journey and for you to,finally get to the point where you realize you had the mother that you deserved,needed,and wanted ALL ALONG!!;Yourself!only by doing so can you have peace enough(and release) to be able to truly move forward with the rest of your healing journey. It,also, takes having a Higher Power and surrendering yourself COMPLETELY to that Higher Power! Allowing yourself to be(completely) open and vulnerable to this Higher Power,the healing that this H.P. can bring to you and help you achieve, and the wisdom that this H.P. wants to bestow on you and help you to achieve. It's hard work with a therapist,therapeutic books and workbooks, or both(it's better if it's both BUT it's not always financially possible). It's allowing for those all too human moments,allowing yourself to acknowledge those moments,and allowing yourself to forgive yourself for those all too human moments when you falter(or out right fail) and,though you allow for them, you DON'T let yourself become permanently mired in them!! Instead,even if it takes awhile,you get back up,dust yourself off,give yourself a good talking to,and you start out once more on that healing journey of yours. This is what it takes!
You'll,eventually(and gradually), get to that point where your true self emerges(as long as you stay the course).It's like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.
Best of luck to you and lots of hugs!!
P.S.: 1 of the songs I listen to for inspiration is 'She's a butterfly' by Martina mcbride

"Adds to the shame"?

Are you saying that you change your mind about things?

Seems to me that's a sign of an Open mind willing to adapt as the situation requires. Maybe?

Gentle hugs jenny

Gentle hug Jenny

People have written a lot of great stuff here.... I LOVE that Zen proverb Arf

I was also brought up with guilt and shame to control me.... I guess we shouldn't be surprised that it worked unfortunately

I think that the proverb that Arf shared is spot on..... xo