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okay so recently i have been really anxious but that's normal. but what's been happening is that when i'm with my boyfriend hugs are okay. kisses or okay sometimes. but anything more than that terrifies me.
which is weird because i' never like that. but that happened a couple of months ago and i didn't really think that much into it because it went away.
but this time i've been paying more attention to it and we were talking and when it happens i act little. it's this weird thing that happens when i'm scared. i say i'm little little. haha. but basically i think i'm a little girl. well i already talked about this, but for people who don't know, when i was three i was at my babysitter's house and her ex husband broke in with a knife and her 3 kids and i had to hide in the closet. so i stopped going there.
but my boyfriend started thinking that maybe i was molested when i was little and that's why i won't let him touch me.
and i started thinking about it and my babysitter had 3 kids. 2 boys and 1 girl. and i remember that one of the boys was really mean to me and i was always scared of him, and the other boy wasn't really mean but he didn't do anything to help me.
but they shared a room and they had a bunk bed with power ranger sheets.
and i just realized that every time i hear about someone being molested or i'm reading about it or something, i picture the bunk beds with the power ranger sheets. i was trying to remember anything about that, but i don't know if i'm making it up or not because i was only 3 and also i block bad things out.
and i remember that sometimes my babysitter would leave and have the kids watch me and i remember being in their room a lot and scared.
so is it possible that he molested me and i forgot it?
he was 7 or 8 at the time, but he was really evil and he bullied me a lot and was really mean and i remember being terrified of him.
which is weird because i' never like that. but that happened a couple of months ago and i didn't really think that much into it because it went away.
but this time i've been paying more attention to it and we were talking and when it happens i act little. it's this weird thing that happens when i'm scared. i say i'm little little. haha. but basically i think i'm a little girl. well i already talked about this, but for people who don't know, when i was three i was at my babysitter's house and her ex husband broke in with a knife and her 3 kids and i had to hide in the closet. so i stopped going there.
but my boyfriend started thinking that maybe i was molested when i was little and that's why i won't let him touch me.
and i started thinking about it and my babysitter had 3 kids. 2 boys and 1 girl. and i remember that one of the boys was really mean to me and i was always scared of him, and the other boy wasn't really mean but he didn't do anything to help me.
but they shared a room and they had a bunk bed with power ranger sheets.
and i just realized that every time i hear about someone being molested or i'm reading about it or something, i picture the bunk beds with the power ranger sheets. i was trying to remember anything about that, but i don't know if i'm making it up or not because i was only 3 and also i block bad things out.
and i remember that sometimes my babysitter would leave and have the kids watch me and i remember being in their room a lot and scared.
so is it possible that he molested me and i forgot it?
he was 7 or 8 at the time, but he was really evil and he bullied me a lot and was really mean and i remember being terrified of him.
forgotten. The mind has a very powerful defense system. If you
are having difficulty with physical touch--and you remember being
terrified of the guy, chances are, something happened. The body
often remembers even when the conscious mind does not. It's called
body or muscle memory. There are wonderful books out there about
repressed memories and how to safely allow those memories to
surface. Good luck, honey.
Hard to know when one experiences sexual abuse at that age.
1. As a child, the conscience will "tend" to accept what happens without questioning it. This makes sense because a child's conscience is not developed enough to discern.
2. Like many memories in early childhood, they are muddled by virtue of the fact that children are simply not developed enough to discern. The memories do stay however.
I was molested at an early age (5, by an uncle in front of a bunch of people), by a neighbor (who invited me into his home for a little hot cocoa and a game of hide and go seek), and later by siblings, who took me into their beds repeatedly at night. I also molested a sibling and neighbor once. These incidents may have contributed to my vulnerability, and susceptibility to the rapes that followed, but did not (in themselves) result in my PTSD.
We do draw associations still. For instance, I was in the neighbor's yard collecting pine cones when he invited me in for cocoa. Still, to this day, pine cones bug me. In contrast, however, it had no impact on my interest in hot chocolate! LOL
Molestation of a child is a sick thing, yet for children it can (and often is) moreso childhood exploration...and not molestation (usually). It's all very subjective and depends on how you, as the subject, interpret it.
Point is that, it is possible you are drawing some associations here. The fact that you also shift into a childlike state also suggests to me that something is being triggered from your childhood. I'm just guessing. Only a therapist would be able to assess.
I presume it is representing a problem or issue for you and your partner. If so, have you considered therapy?
My PTSD is from 3 incidents, including 2 rapes. I have not been sexually active for over 22 years, although have touched and kissed (seven years ago LOL) and that did not seem to be a problem. I am worried about if/when penetration occurs. I will need my husband (if ever I do marry) to be supportive, obviously and anticipate that I will be in therapy then.
Good luck this weekend!
and thanks.