I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I was prescribed Lithium and a small dose of Xanax with Trazadone at night to help with sleep. So I thought because I take Lithium, I was just naturally Bipolar. My official diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder along with PTSD caused by early childhood trauma. So I asked my Doc. if I wasn't Bipolar, then how can I feel just fine and all of the sudden feel like I got run over. He told me these diagnosis are not hard and fast. They give you a benchmark diagnosis so if you move, the next provider will have a good starting point. He told me we have our major diagnosis, but we can flow from one to the other at given intervals.

I have been taking a medication for about 10 days now for OCD compulsive, non-stop thoughts. It is called Clomipramine and so far, it is showing good results. I am definitely getting relief and it feels good. You start off slow and work your way up to the clinical dosage. I am on the starting dosage and I can feel now that I am ready for an increase. My body is getting used to it.

I hope you are feeling better soon. We all know how tough it is. You just have to take one day, one moment at a time. I hope you are able to find the right combination of things that work for you.

Hang in there. I have been in therapy for almost 2 decades continuously. I have seen improvement. And yet I still will have those feelings of "Will this EVER get better?" It will and it does. Breathe

For me... I learned that there were two separate questions.
When (if) I will get *better*
When (if) I will get *well*.

Better is relative. Better than what?
"Well" means---healed? Whole? Functioning? Not-sick? It's a fuzzy word. Wellness for me tends to be "highly functioning with minimal discomfort".

I strive for wellness. Meanwhile, I am better than I was before (XYZ date)....

And in a year? I look back and check again.

One breath at a time, Cecil. I have PTSD with anxiety/depression, and I may never totally shake any of it, but I can hopefully come to some point where I can co-exist with it enough to enjoy life fully.

I type that for you because, frankly, I need to remind myself. I'm one bad day from crawling into a dark place....

Hugs,
Leo

gentle hugs Cecil ((((hugs))))).
each day is a moment in time. breath deeply, find joy in in moment. relish the little loves you find. smile for yourself.

Cecil, I am still here. Now with both husbands the good and the bad of them gone. I know how painful it seems....Grief over a lost dream of him maybe getting better and the dream of happily ever after.... Well I am all that's left of it on both counts.

Hugs and my heart, you are so much more than what they ( ant of them) did to you.

Had it not been for friends like you here... I couldn't have made any steps in this...But I like you am so much more than what they did to me. I have to count the small steps each time to give me a reason to stay. Thank you for being one.



My heart Cecil.
Jewells.

TRIGGER WARNING

Cecil, I thought long and hard on the paragraph you wrote here that says, " I wish and hope for death but only because I don't see any other way to feel better. I would want to live if I could be happy or content. I hurt mentally and physically and I am so frustrated with feeling this way. I am living in an in-between state where I lack the commitment to die but at the same time my life is miserable."

I relate to what you say there. Because I do, I have tried never to argue with anyone about their feelings of suicide. All I ever do is ask people to consider postponing giving up. nohelpnow spoke of an experience similar to mine in speaking of being in therapy continuously for 2 decades. And nohelpnow said that it does get better. For me it has, too.

TRIGGER WARNING

I never could have the goal of becoming "normal" through therapy, whatever that is. I set a personal therapy goal for me based on my own life and death experiences alone. I use therapy to reach one particular goal: to cheat violent death. I was raped at 11, beaten by violent parents, and I dodged a bullet twice at 16.

The gun at my head jammed twice as I was forced to my knees to die during military torture in the war zone I grew up in. You say your husband's death broke you. I know what being broken is like since I broke that day. The officer holding the gun laughed and released me when he saw me break and pee my pants in terror.

I'm still broken but I live to stage a better death for myself than that when my time comes. My recurring nightmares and flashbacks to that moment on my knees remind me daily that I broke that day, it's a fact. But my staying alive broken and still stealing happy moments between flashbacks every day since has been my personal revenge. I just got back from my annual birthday trip to Uruguay to spit on the spot where I broke, since I've made it from 16 to 57 broken now.

You have every right to be frustrated, Cecil. I know how tough living broken is. Thank you for all the support you've given me here at DS PTSD. It's helped broken me through another day toward my goal. I hope our support can help you toward your goal, whatever you decide it may be. You're a truly good person and we're rooting for you.

Here's a song that keeps me spitting: "Badlands"

"Talk about a dream, try to make it real You wake up in the night With a fear so real You spend your life waiting For a moment that just don't come...For the ones who had a notion A notion deep inside
That it ain't no sin To be glad you're alive Wanna find one face That ain't looking through me Wanna find one place I wanna SPIT in the face of these Badlands, you gotta live it everyday Let the broken hearts stand As the price you've gotta pay Keep pushin' till it's understood & These Badlands start treating us good" --Bruce Springsteen - MetroLyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFYMl_OhiEs

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I'm 58 and have been in therapy off and on since I was 25. I have good days and bad days...more good days now. I spent years in complete darkness.

The death of your husband would naturally send you into deep grief. I don't think diagnosis matter. We are survivors of abuse and the docs give us labels because that's what they do.

I hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself as you go through your grief and healing. I've wanted to die so many times. Yet once I get through the worst of it was so glad I made it.

Hi, I hear you.... when my husband died I believe I died too... well obviously not in the physical sense... but in every other way! Wishing you peace! Blessings!
MJ

I feel so sad for you Cecil. I am happy to see you here posting what you are going through. I have found a lot of comfort and helpful information I do not think I would have gotten elsewhere.

Those dark days and hours are so difficult. I have a dx of bipolar 1 and PTSD and the two can overlap and make things confusing, then add the physical pains we have.

Always here to support you hun.

I don't know if what I can add will be helpful to you or not. I am 56 years old and I have been in therapy my entire adult life. I did make a lot of progress between age 19 and age 40 ... and then it all started going backwards again.

Recently I began again with a new therapist, with the explicit intention of working on the sexual abuse and incest in my past. The path to healing that I am taking now is all about my inner children. My goal is to transmute rage into love.

For most of the years of my life, I have hated myself and run from my inner child as if that wretched, detestable child was the origin of all my pain in life. My goal then was to distance myself from her and become someone else - someone worthy and lovable.

So now it's all about finding and loving the child inside, the baby inside, the teen inside. Finding them, listening to them, comforting them, and loyally loving them. It is taking me to new places, and I believe it will take me to healing. To a state of love inside of me instead of bottomless rage. I'm not very near there yet, but I believe that's where I'm going.

I haven't had your experiences in life so I don't feel qualified to advise you on what direction to take. I'll just say that I've heard you refer to yourself with a lot of anger and disgust. I hope that before you reach any conclusions about your ability to heal, you will be able to say without hesitation that you have committed to a path of self-love and self-compassion. Because if not, those could be the missing ingredients. I can't say how to transform self-hatred into self-love. There's no easy formula. But it starts with the commitment to do so. The will to love.

Thank you all for the supportive messages. I try to remind myself of the small tasks I have completed. Sometimes it is as simple as showering and dressing. I am still working though I want to walk away from it every day. I'm afraid someday I just won't have what it takes to keep pushing through.

So many times I rise up then land smack on my face again. 2 steps ahead, 3 back. I beat myself up because I perceive myself as failing and forget that I am doing the best I can right now and I need love, not judgement.

There have been so many times that I have thought I would be happy if I was thin or had more money and I have realized that this depression just haunts me and being thin or having a lot of money to spend wouldn't get me out of the bed in the morning.

I am thankful for people like you that understand these feelings.

BTW, Badlands is one of my favorite songs :-)

Aw, Cecil, the fact that Badlands is also one of your favorite songs is so validating to me!