I have PTSD also. Mine is over a loss in my life that I am still grieving over and have not moved on yet. I know your stunned existence. I had that for about a year or so. You need to grieve for your mother. You need to have the time and space to do that. You need to give the love and care for your sons. They may not be receptive but tell them you will be there when they are ready to come back. Watch the addict son as he might steal for drugs. Love but not a welcome mat.

My heart goes out to you in your time of grief.

Thank you and prayers for you.

A parent with pancreatic cancer is one of many Ts in my PTSD. It is ... a tricky situation you are in. And please, take time for YOU, and just YOU. Then you and your sons, if they choose. If they choose not, then you have done what you can. As AlAnon taught me... "Love from a safe distance". It's hard, oh so hard, but it's also sanity and safety. They have to make their own way, their own mistakes, and if you did your best, no one can ask more. NO one.

You never stop being a mother. (OK, mine did, but it involved a huge brain tumor...) The trick seems to be allowing the adult-age kids be... themselves, and love them anyway. You don't have to love their every action or belief or mood (who does?!). Just... be there. Meanwhile, let them carry their own burdens, and tend your own. Maybe re-think how you define "motherhood"? My mom once told me that whenever a kid moved to a new stage in life, the motherhood rules changed, and trying to keep them the same only made everything worse. She got more freedom, too. She could step back a bit, "catch up on my stuff", as people say. She got extra certs for her work, for example.

And, as Thor2008 said, hide anything that is exchangeable for drugs/booze. My family once resorted to only keeping cash in the house if it was Canadian. (We lived on the border.) US drug dealers didn't like taking that to a bank to exchange, turns out. Sounds silly but... You do what you gotta.

Luck an dblessing and sympathy to you.

Leo- thank you for those words. Very hard to hear but I know you are right when it comes to motherhood. As far the trauma of seeing someone transform and decay and what comes along with all that is unimaginable if never experienced. My mom’s was so bad that she held on for two weeks on no fluid and what a body goes through is unimaginable, even hospice was in disbelief and told me she had gone longer than any of their patients on no fluid. I feel like I will never be able to forget and it plays in my head day by day most everyday of my life. Again, thank you and prayers for you

Yeah. Watching cancer? The day my husband was diagnosed with a rare lymphoma, I just fell apart. COmpletely. He's never gotten "sick" per se (we caught it before it manifested, it's one weird variety) but... Every three months, that blood test takes me back to my dad, to the toll it took on him, on us. I was there when he took his last breath, and I'l never not hear that.
It's normal. Find a therapist who specializes in PTSD. There are therapies that work better if the trauma is more "recent". And with the other stuff? You need somewhere to go to vent that's only for you, and your concerns. I learned that lesson too late, alas.

At age 46 I moved in with my mom from 2004-2007 to get her through breast cancer. Double mastectomy, shopping for wigs when her hair fell out from chemo, driving her to chemo and sitting with her through it, then holding her head over the toilet while she was sick after chemo. Three years of that. So I can imagine what it was like helping your mom with her pancreatic cancer for years.

As you see, others can relate here too. It is traumatic to be a care giver when the grind of a close up seat on a loved one's suffering is you lot day after day. There are a couple of different kinds of PTSD, the kind from a single catastrophic even like a plane crash.
Then there's "Complex" PTSD that accumulates over time, like when growing up in domestic violence (which I did, my very mom herself being one of the perpetrators) or when exposed to trauma as a care giver, like when working in an ER (which I also did) or being a care giver to a mom, as we've both done.

A link about Complex PTSD from therapist Pete Walker was given to me when I got here to DS PTSD years ago, so I pass it on to others now every chance I get. It really helps answer a lot of questions about this particular kind of PTSD.
http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html#complexPTSD

Mujicaptsd- thank you for your input and the link. Glad to know others understand and not alone. Prayers lifted up for you:

You betcha, TaylorMade. You're not alone. We're with you about this.